CU

well. it turns out someone DID throw me a bone.
I GOT INTO CU!!
I am really excited. but i am also having a mix of emotions. I am happy because this is what i wanted, but i am sad because i will miss the girls i am living with right now so so much. they have gotten me through these last 2 years and they mean so much to me.
I'm also really stressed out now too because i have a LOT to get done. lets make a list of everything i have to do this summer:
-switch my financial aide
-register for classes
-go through orientation
-find a place to live
and besides those enormous things, i still have to:
-finish classes
-take finals
-pack up my room to move
-drive home
-find a job
It is going to be one hell of a busy summer, thats for sure. but i have a feeling this is all going to be worth it in the end. :)
I'm happy. I made my decision and i am standing by it. CU here i come!

judgment day.

I feel like its judgment day. Honestly. I have the most horrible anxiety waiting for these people to be done with my application.
What if they don't have a decision today? I don't think I can push it back any more. I'm going to end up making a decision without knowing, and I'm gonna have to stay here to be safe.
I really can't deal with this anymore. Like, my chest is all tight as if I have heart burn, and my stomach is all in knots, and my mind is just everywhere.
Won't someone throw me a freaking bone and just help me?! GAHHH.
I might cry! .......AGAIN!

fingers crossed.

So, I called the lady AGAIN at CU today, and told her I needed to know by tomorrow if I am accepted or not. She told me they were going as fast as they can.
Whatever the case may be, I just really don't want to have to call her again tomorrow. She probably hates me by now, but what else can I do?? I have been waiting on her decision for over a month now and my roommates are about to kill me for not knowing where I'm going next year. Basically, If I don't know by tomorrow, I will have to make a decision WITHOUT knowing. And I really can't do that. As unhappy as I am in my current situation, I will end up having to stay here, and that'll be the end of it.

So...fingers crossed I hear back from her tomorrow.
And toes crossed that I get in.

i miss the past.

omg.

WHY IS THIS TAKING SO FUCKING LONG?!?!?
I have done everything I can possibly do to speed this process up, and NOTHING! It's been over a month now and CU is like taking their sweet ass time getting back to me!
What the hellllllllllll!
I am going to end up owing someone $300 if i get into CU because of how long this is taking. And that is a months rent here. This is seriously bullshit.

vent.

One of my biggest pet peeves in the WORLD is when someone tells me to "calm down." If I am crying or having a melt down, then sometimes those words can be comforting. But when I am clearly neither crying, nor melting down and someone uses the sarcastic "CALM DOWN, CHELSEA" is when I get pissed.

There is absolutely no reason for anyone to ever tell you to calm down unless they are trying to comfort you. When people say that to me, it MAKES me freak out. It's like, you don't know my life! And I'm sorry but frankly I take offense when someone tells me I need to calm down. Don't tell me what to do, and don't accuse me of over-reacting. I am reacting the way I see fit, and you should keep your opinions about it to yourself.

UGH.

420.

I came up with a quote to sum up this day:

"It's a joyous day all around! Hitler was born, Columbine happened, and now pot smokers of the planet can unite and get stoned and celebrateeeee..................nothing."

Seriously? like why is this even considered a holiday for some people. It's quite pathetic if you ask me, and in all honesty, it's ignorant. I mean, lets celebrate drugs! or not?

People seem to forget that on this day, Hitler was born. Now I realize that Hitler has nothing to do with smoking weed and getting stoned off your ass, but if anything this should be some kind of Holocaust remembrance day. 10's of millions of Jews were killed because of a man that was born on this day. Does anyone even acknowledge that while they are getting baked?

Which brings me to my next point. Today marks the 10 year anniversary of the Columbine massacre. Being from Colorado, this is a scary time. It's also a time to remember the innocent high schoolers that were killed because of ignorance, just like the ignorance you pot smokers put on display on 420.

Does any of this even matter anymore? Everyone is so concerned with gathering together to take that magical puff of weed on the exact moment of 420, and celebrating what? The fact that you are partaking in the usage of illegal drugs? OOOOH REBEL, REBEL.

Does it make you cool? No.
Does it make you ignorant? Yes.
Far be it from me to tell anyone what they can and cant do, but get real people. There is no reason to get excited about a day that has so much tragedy attached to it, and forget what has happened in the past in order to feel something that you could feel just as strongly on any other day of the year.

aunt marie.

Well, my Aunt Marie passed today. It wasnt a shock, but still. Its hard. I wish i could go home and be with my mom but i cant. im stuck here in kans-ass and cant do a thing about it.

its not that im upset about my aunt dying. i mean i am, but thats not my biggest issue. i wasnt THAT close to her, and granted it doesnt matter WHO in your family dies, its gonna be hard no matter what, but i wasnt as close to her as i was with my grandpa or any of my other relatives. she was my moms aunt, so my great aunt, and my grandmas sister. the thing that i am most upset about is my grandma. she just lost her husband and now her younger sister.

i wish i could be there for my family. thats my biggest concern. i want to give each and every one of them a hug and let them know im here for them with open arms. the only thing i have is the phone and email because neither me or my family can afford to send me out there. i understand that, its just hard.

everyone says i can support without actually being there, but its not the same. when my grandpa died, it was incredibly hard for everyone, but i will never regret being able to be by his side during his last days, and being able to cry and hold each of my family members. as hard as deaths are, they bring people together in a weird twisted way. how often does an entire family get to be together anymore? not very often. so its bittersweet. thats what i feel im missing out on. being with my family in a time of need.

i know they know i am there in spirit, but what good does me being there in spirit do if i cant hug you and tell you everything will be ok? i want to be there for my family. i know being surrounded by the crying and the pain and the depression is hard as hell, and takes a toll on a person after a while, but its better than not being there. and even though i wasnt as close with aunt marie as i would have liked, i would never WANT to miss her funeral and the chance for one last good bye.

i hope she rests in peace, and that my grandma can find peace in knowing she is happy and safe and in a better place. i have no doubts that she is.

my fault.

Everything's my fault.
It's my fault I haven't heard from CU yet.
It's my fault I'm keeping everyone waiting on my decision.
It's my fault the lady reviewing my app decided to go out of town.
It's my fault, my fault, my fault.

I'm so glad everyone is blaming me. My roommates parents are hating me right now because I havent told them whats going on (but its because i dont know whats going on), my mom is pissed and keeps telling me to make a decision (and if she had it her way i would just stay here and be miserable), my roommates keep nagging me (as if im the reason for the hold up) and i am just so sick of the blame! come on, people! how is any of this my fault?!

god damn it.
this doesnt even qualify as a vent sesh because my feelings are so much stronger than my writing is letting on right now. i need help.

how long until enough?

How many times can someone put their heart out there.
How long can someone hang on.
When is enough enough.
How can someone keep enduring it.
Is there any way of getting through.
How much does it take for a heart to explode.
How many times can someone be hurt.
When will it get through their head.
When is enough enough?!

No one said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it..................?
Umm...I guess I'll have to see it to believe it because it doesn't seem that way at the moment.

I must be a masochist.

awesome lyrics.

Star Mile by Joshua Radin

Oh doubt in the girl by your side

She’s feeding your pride
As you go for a ride down the star mile

Worlds arise as she lets you come in
A duo begins
To the Hollywood din of lonely

And all the gold dust in her eyes won’t reform into rain
You had and lost the one thing
You kept in a safe place
Remember the face
Of the girl who made you her own
And how you left her alone

All’s well at the base of the hill
You might need to fill
a prescription to kill off the silence.

Look down from your tower on high and take in the night
Look her right in the eye
She’ll listen

And all the gold dust in her eyes won’t reform into rain
You had and lost the one thing
You kept in a safe place
Remember the face
Of the girl who made you her own
And how you left her alone

Life comes to those that are true
The regular news
Over playing the blues with the light on

And if you burn the road that’ll lead you back to her in time
I'll watch you turn to stone
Can’t find the sublime

She’s moving on without you
The tide breaks
You watch the stars fade
They gather you back to their home
I guess it’s better than being alone

finally.

Well I couldnt write on here for a while because my last post was for ryan and i needed to wait until he checked it before i could update. and he did! so update.

I am still waiting to hear from CU. im getting more and more impatient as the days go on. i get nervous every time i check my online status, but then every time i check its the same thing. i never get anything in the mail, and i probably should call and see what the deal is but i dont want to bug them and give them any reason not to accept me. so what to do?? i mean, i gotta get things figured out soon. if i end up leaving i need to find a place to live and enroll in classes, both of which will be tricky at this stage in the game. and also, i need to tell my current roommates whats going on because they need to have set plans for next year too. if i end up staying on the other hand...well nothing will really need to be done, i will just need to find a way to cope.

right now i am renting twilight from itunes so i can watch it tonight. everytime i go to redbox its already been checked out and im getting impatient. so im renting it here and watching it alone tonight. im glad though, i need it. i need to spend some time alone doing things for me. i need to get back on track with the whole positivity thing too.

im still going to therapy. i love it. i really lucked out with my therapist. he totally gets me. he makes everything better. i wish i could keep him in my pocket at all times.

i miss home. i want to be with my family and my friends and be back in colorado. and not just for the summer. i want to be home long term. i dont know what ever possessed me to go to kansas, but im trying to undo it. its just taking forever and my patience level is always wearing thin.

blahh. i neeeeeeeed to figure things out.
*staying positive*

i might be switching blogs again. no one even reads this one. not that its for anyone but me, but i dont know if it really fits me yet. i dont even know how to read other people's. the only thing i know how to do is write one of my own. so im not sure this is the right one yet. still looking? maybe.

Ryan's last 2 words for week 1

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