It's really hard for me to sit here and title this post "two years" because it doesn't seem like it's been that long since you've been gone. Two whole years have gone by and there hasn't been one single day that I haven't thought about you and wished that I could see your face again. It's been two years of trying to cope with the fact that I won't see you in this life again and it hasn't really gotten any easier. If I let myself sit and think too long, it still brings tears to my eyes.
There are moments when I can feel your presence. There's certain songs I hear that I can't listen to anymore, but whenever they come on it's almost like a sign that you're there. Is that ridiculous? I like to take those little things as a sign because it makes me feel like even though you're gone, you're really all around.
Two years ago on this day I had a really hard time processing the information I was being given. I couldn't react in an appropriate way because I didn't believe it was real. I had no idea when I woke up that morning that August 25th, 2009 would turn out to be one of the worst days of my life and would effect everything I did and every thought I had for the rest of my life.
In the very last weekend I spent in Parker, right before I went to Vegas, when I knew it would be the last weekend I spent in that town, I drove by your old house where I used to pick you up every morning before school. I sat there in the car staring at your house and just cried. I felt like if I left Parker, I was abandoning your memory. But I've realized I'll never be able to leave you behind because you mean too much to me. You're always going to have a huge place in my heart, no matter where I am in the world.
I had no idea that knowing you would have had such a big impact on my life. I'm still bitter and sad at the fact that I have not a single picture or a yearbook signing or any sort of tangible thing from our relationship. Instead, I have these fragments of random memories with you that are pretty much the only thing I have to hold onto. Like remember when you asked me if I was going to get rid of all my homecoming and prom dresses after I graduated high school because you wanted to "take them off my hands?" Something small like that still makes me feel like I was like an older sister to you, and it makes me smile.
I had a dream once that I've only ever shared with one person but I guess I'm going to share it now. I dreamt that your mother gave me 20 bucks and asked me to keep an eye on you. I swore with everything I had that I would not let anything happen to you, but it did anyways. No matter how attentive I was to you, you still slipped right through my fingers. It was a little more dark and depressing than that, but you get the point. I kept wondering why on earth I was dreaming that your mom would pay me to watch you, but then I realized that it was totally a metaphor for our relationship. I felt responsible for you because you were under my wing. I tried so hard to protect you, but in the end it just wasn't enough. When I told this dream to my mom through dramatic sobs, she suggested that maybe it was your way of communicating to me that everything was ok. That it wasn't mine - or anyone elses fault. That you're ok and I'm ok. And from then on, every time you're in my dreams I take it as your way of communicating with me. And I like it when you visit my dreams.
I can't even put into words how much I'd give anything to have another hug or one more face to face conversation or one last car ride home from school together. I kept my myspace after all these years just so I can log on once in a while and look at your pictures and old comments you've left me. It makes me sad, but it's the closest thing I have to you. I can't listen to Coldplay without thinking of you - even though I have no idea if you even LIKED them.
I'm suddenly out of words. All I feel like I can do at the moment is sit and think about you and the beautiful impact you had on everyone you knew.
Saying I miss you is never going to be enough. But I do miss you. More than anything.
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<3
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