After a busy day with classes and papers and grocery shopping and running around, my head is pounding and I finally come to the point where I can lay down and relax for the rest of the night until I fall asleep.
The only thing that doesn't relax is my brain. Through this pounding migraine that feels like my eyes are pushing up against my brain, I still manage to have too many thoughts bouncing around.
The worst part about living alone is the silence. When I lay down for the night to try and relax, the silence is more deafening than the lawn-mowers who mow during my nap every Wednesday. I hear my clock ticking and by the time I actually realize how uncomfortably alone I am, I begin to realize what it is I've actually been thinking about:
Brianna.
I find myself searching in the darkness and the silence for a sign. Anything to know she's there. Anything to know she's in a better place. A dream, a light flickering, a noise. Anything. She's all I can think about when I lay down for the night.
The worst part about living alone is that when I get sad, I can't just go in the other room and sit with my roommate until my mind wanders away. I can't just get up and talk to someone about it, because no one is there. It's just me.
Tonight through the massive headache and the relief of finishing a major assignment, I still feel the extreme weight of my 17 year old friend who passed away only 2 months ago. It's unfair and unreal and everything I don't want it to be.
But it is.
And I am.
Alone.
It'll never feel real to me.
1 comment:
Sounds familiar.
It gets better.
Remember them for the way they lived, and live your life to the fullest. Every time I feel overwhelmed or sorry for myself, I remember them, and that they don't get the chance to feel down. It helps me to suck it up and keep going.
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