Happy Halloween!

Love, Kathy Beth Terry.

Dear October

Dear October,

You have always been one of my most favorite months because you are the absolute essence of Fall. When I think of October I think of pumpkin everything, Halloween, orange leaves, refreshing atmosphere, and I love that feeling you usually bring.

However. This time around you haven't been very good to me. This year you have brought with you heartache, snow that defiled all my beautiful leaves and killed hundreds of trees, sickness, and anxiety. I had high hopes for you, but I'm disappointed in the turn out.

What I'm getting at is.. I'm ready for you to be over. I'm ready to move onto the next month because it is SURE to be better and brighter. Colder, probably, but November already has the promise of family, possibly some frightening decisions, but most of all excitement.

I'd like to say it's been a good run, but with one day left I'm looking forward to giving you a big fat boot up your ass and sending you on your way. Hopefully next year you will bring something a little bit happier with you when you roll into town.

October, 2011 I bid you farewell and sorry I'm NOT sorry to see you go.

Chelsea.

The reality of it is.

*Big Sigh*

I've been wanting to sit down and write for a while now but I just can't come up with the words. I want so badly to get everything out and just cry and eventually feel better, but I just find myself staring blankly at walls and sighing. Lots and lots of sighing.

Whoever said funerals were supposed to bring closure had obviously never been to one. Before Scott's funeral I was upset, of course, but I was still functioning and doing things and not focusing all my attention on the enormous tragedy that had just taken place. I was mostly in a protective mode wanting to make sure my family was ok and that we were all still breathing and eating and (kind of) sleeping. After the funeral, it feels more open than ever. Funerals don't bring closure, they bring reality. It never seems real until you're standing there listening to someone's eulogy. And after it's over... well that's when the real heartache begins. 

Everyone has to go back to their lives at some point, right? We all have to eventually try to pick up the pieces and continue trucking, no matter how much it hurts. Life undoubtedly always goes on, whether we want it to or not. We have no choice other than to keep moving forward no matter how hard that may be. And for me, moving forward means sending my family back to their respective locations and going back to an empty apartment where I have to go back to thinking about all the big questions that were in my head before all this happened: where am I going to go in a mere few weeks when I graduate? Where am I going to work? What if I don't get a job? Am I about to uproot my whole life or stay in my college bubble a while longer? All of that which seemed so heavy before is now clouded with the unmistakable dark shadow I can constantly see out of the corner of my eye that represents Scott's suicide. 

How is anyone supposed to keep moving forward after something like this? We all know that eventually everyone dies, that's why we're able to cope with a Grandparent dying of cancer or a stroke, we know it's coming and that it's inevitable and we have time to prepare ourselves. But when someone leaves this world in a snap second because of the product of their own choice...how do you cope with THAT? How can you possibly find it in your heart to accept that "it is what it is" and move on? There will forever be unanswered questions. The wound will never really close all the way because we'll never find that "closure." Closure is a bullshit, made-up word in order to make people feel like they can find some reason that helps them close that gaping wound and move on. Well what happens when closure doesn't exist? Then what?

Story Time: Part 1.

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Chelsea.

Hi, I'm Chelsea.

Chelsea was a very outgoing little girl and liked to say funny things all the time. She also had all the confidence in the world as a child and knew in her heart of hearts that she was destined for greatness. In her youth, she truly believed this greatness would be recognized when she became a famous pop star by the likes of a Spears or an Aguilera. There was not a doubt in her mind that she would one day be the most famous of them all!


 Until one day, her family packed their bags and moved to the middle of nowhere, Colorado, putting her dreams of pop-stardom on hold. As the years went by, she began to think a little more realistically about her future and decided that she would have to settle for going to college and getting a real job one day. So, she went off to Kansas....realizing later that Colorado was indeed NOT the middle of no where.



After a rough first two years of school, she decided it was time to move back home to Colorado and continue college in Boulder. She was much happier overall but half-way through her final semester of school she was sitting on her bed one night thinking about what was next. Her childhood dreams of being a pop star were no longer on the table, and her newly found passion for public relations was not coming as easily as she had hoped.

At 22 years old, young Chelsea began to think, "am I having a mid-life crisis?!" While knowing (and furiously hoping) that this was not actually her mid-life, her irrational thoughts took over as her mind began to wander into places like: homelessness, joblessness, being poor, living with her parents for the rest of her life, adopting a few hundred cats and growing old with them in a one-bedroom apartment until the day she died a lonely death all because at 22 years old she could not find a job.



While trying to calm these irrational fears, she ate a bunch of peanut butter cups, got really fat, and started drunk dialing all of her friends (except for the fact that she was sober) looking for advice yet all of them were in pretty much the exact same boat! She thought "what is my life?!" and sprawled out on her bed, waiting for a sign from the heavens that she would not become a crazy cat lady before she turned 25.

And then she had an idea.....

(......to be continued in part 2 when this idea occurs.)

We are children.

This post is just as relevant today as the day I wrote it: Let's go back to being children, when everything was carefree and easy. When our worries weren't so heavy, and we felt safe and happy.

 I want to be this happy forever.

 

[Major props if you can figure out where this picture was taken. Hint: 1995, only picture in existence of this day, but one of my fondest memories] 

Ps. I have no idea who that girl in yellow is.

  

 

"When you thought that it was over, you could feel it all around, and everybody's out to get you, don't you let it drag you down. 'Cause if you ever feel neglected, and if you think that all is lost, I'll be counting up my demons, yeah, hoping everything's not lost." -Coldplay

It's so hard now, and it will be for a long, long time. 

But everything's not lost.

There are no words to express the sorrows in my heart. Death weighs heavily on everyone, whether it's realized or not. Unexpected circumstances that can change your life forever happen in a single instant and can't be reversed. The best we can do is keep marching on and never lose that tiny flame embedded in our hearts.

I want to tell people I love them. I want to reach out to those I may have drifted from and remind them how much they mean to me. I want to make sure people know exactly how much I care for them. And I want to get rid of any negativity left in my life, because it's too fragile and short for this. I want to fight for things that matter and leave the rest behind once and for all.

Best of friends. Left: Connor. Right: Scott.

Scott was a dear friend, neighbor, and brother. He was so kind, so willing to help and be there even when he wasn't asked. He was the best friend my brother has ever known and he did not realize how loved he truly was. He did not know how much he meant to those around him. He did not know how great and talented and smart he was. 

Tell people you love them, and do it now.  Reconcile. Let everything else be water under the bridge. Try not to take things too personally. Love so much and enjoy this fabulous life you've been given.

Happy Birthday, Faja!

Today is my dady-o's birthday! He's one hell of an awesome dude. Want to know why?

For starters, he's probably the funniest man you'll ever meet. Half of my favorite expressions come from him (see: "it's darker than a bag full of buttholes in here!"). Even in insanely frustrating, awful, make-me-wanna-cry situations, he has a way of turning them around and making me laugh. And that is NOT an easy thing to do, people. (Ok, maybe it is. But he's been making me laugh longer than anyone else ever.)







Secondly, he loves his family more than anything and is also the most supportive person I know. No matter what the situation, he will get behind you and help you through it. Even if he's going through his own issues, he still puts his family first.








Also, he pretty much kicks ass at his job. Lucky for me, I got to witness how much he is loved at his job this summer. I got compliments every single day about how great he is to work with, how positive he is, how funny he is, how encouraging and hard working he is, how people just love to be around him. Definitely one proud daughter over here! (Oh, but at the office, I refer to him as Douglas. Not Faja.)





I'm incredibly lucky to have a dad like mine. One who I know will be there to get me through absolutely anything. He's the first one I call when something amazing happens, or when I'm about to jump over a cliff from a bad day. I only hope I can grow into a fraction of the person he is. (And if you've met my dad, you would see just how great he is within the first 5 minutes.)

I love you Faja, happy birthday.