Scenes from South Dakota.

A couple weeks ago, the Digital Royalty team took a 5 day retreat to our boss Amy's cabin in the Black Hills of South Dakota. It was nice to get out of Las Vegas for a while and get into nature - even though it's been reaffirmed that I can't handle bugs of any kind, and I'm very clearly a city person who requires a working toilet in her life. We ate, drank, and bonded over things we weren't expecting to bond over (should I mention the toilet situation here again or can you just use your imagination?), and most importantly, came back alive, hungover, and exhausted. Overall, a great trip.

A few of my favorite highlights:

Commemorating our first plane ride together with a round of Bloody Mary's.

Plane ride shenanigans.

Amazing rain & hail storms.

Our day on Lake Pactola.

Roomie love on the lake.

Enjoying Mount Rushmore.

The most amazing sunsets.

Baby G.

This morning at 2:29am, my cousin Sara and her husband Drew welcomed a sweet little baby girl into the world, Anne Kelly Gehling (or as I will call her for the rest of her life, Baby G). I haven't even met her yet and I already love her with my whole heart.

This is the first baby of our generation in the Ford family, which makes her extra special. It was surreal, but also one of the happiest moments I've ever expereinced, waking up to a picture of my new baby niece (technically she's my 2nd cousin, but that just doesn't seem fitting). Tears swelled up in my eyes and I smiled all morning while I thought about how Sara held my hand as I grew up and what light she's continuously brought into my life. Little Annie is coming into the world surrounded by the same.

I am so unbelievably happy for all three of them, but especially Baby G, because I know she's going to grow up with the absolute best parents ever in existence, and will be surrounded by an infinite amount of love and happiness and laughter throughout her entire life.

Welcome to the world, Baby G. I can't wait to meet you.

4 years.

Every year on this day I wake up feeling sentimental and sad. August 25th never used to mean anything to me - it was just a regular day in my book. But that changed all in an instant one sunny afternoon as I was walking through campus in Boulder. It's been 4 years to the day since my sweet friend, Brianna passed away.

This morning as I was pondering over a cup of coffee and internally sharing some memories with myself, I re-read this letter I wrote to Brianna on the two year anniversary of her death. The time that's passed seems like a blur now, but somehow through my state of shock and grief (that lasted much longer than what should have been normal), I was able to articulate these timeless words that really resonated this morning:

"In the very last weekend I spent in Parker, right before I moved to Vegas, when I knew it would be the last weekend I ever spent in that town, I drove by your old house where I used to pick you up every morning before school. I sat there in the car staring at your house and just cried. I felt like if I left Parker, I was abandoning your memory. But I've realized I'll never be able to leave you behind because you mean too much to me. You're always going to have a huge place in my heart, no matter where I am in the world."

I remember feeling like if I moved on and moved away from our hometown, that meant letting her go. And although on some level, leaving our neighborhood that was haunted with the memory of her helped with the grieving process, I never really could (or would) let her go. I have not returned to Parker since I moved. It's been almost 2 years since I've set foot in that town, but I have never once for a second stopped loving or learning from her, because no matter where I am in the world, she'll always have a huge place in my heart.

I guess it's true that time heals all wounds, I'm just not the most patient person on the planet. For almost 2 years I cried regularly and grieved hard over the loss of Brianna. I blamed myself a lot, even though her death was not my fault. But somewhere over time, I started to cope. The wound isn't fresh anymore, but there will always be a dull pain in my heart. A cringing feeling in my stomach on this day each year that still lies in disbelief of the things I've heard and seen. But life doesn't stop and we have to keep moving forward. Brianna would have wanted us to all move forward and experience life to the fullest, like she always tried to do. So that's what I have to try and do, for her.

It's hard to believe that 4 years has passed in the blink of an eye. I'm a different person, and I'm sure she would have been too. But I'll continue cling to her beautiful memory and all the things she taught me throughout her life and her death, because she changed me. And I'll never, ever stop loving or missing her, no matter where I am in this world.

Just Don't Worry About It.

Pretty much all my life I've struggled with anxiety. I can remember back to being a kid and having anxiety attacks about something I said or did on the playground or in the classroom that would eat away at me for weeks. Of course, at the time I didn't realize what it was, but as I grew older and it kept happening I realized I'm just kind of an anxious person, and I went through my whole childhood like that.

It got so bad when I was in college that I was giving myself these debilitating stomach aches on a daily basis, to the point where I would get nauseous and start sweating and panicking so badly I honestly thought I would pass out at any second from the intense stomach pain - often times this happened when I was in public, but I would keep it internal. I finally went and got tested for a bunch of things to see if there was something physically wrong with me because I didn't realize that my mental state was actually causing my body to have a physical reaction until the doctors came back with absolutely nothing wrong. And that's when I knew exactly what was wrong.

You see, it's really not easy to struggle with anxiety. You second guess everything you say and do and you're always wondering if what you've said or done is good enough or how it was perceived by everyone else. A thought might randomly pop into your head about something you just remembered you said several weeks ago that will cause you to go into a spiraling panic, start re-evaluating your whole life, and start plotting your move across the country where you can start over and never have to see the person you made that little comment to ever again, even though in reality they probably didn't even notice, care, or frankly will ever think about again. Meanwhile your stomach is churning for days and you're cringing about how stupid you feel for whatever the incident was. Your mind cannot shift away from it until you just can't help but start panicking and wishing you were never born. And then when you finally get over that one, something else pops into your head and the cycle starts again. At least that's usually how it went for me.

So one day I had a thought: I don't have to live like this. And I don't WANT to live like this. Constantly making yourself feel like you could projectile vomit all over everything at any second because you're having an internal panic attack that no one knows about but you is a sad way to go through life. So I realized I had two options. I could either go back to the doctor with my self-diagnosis and ask for some medication that would curb the anxiety but potentially make me feel like a zombie, or I could teach myself how to deal with it. I chose the latter.

I had a breaking point about a year and a half ago when something major happened in my life. I won't go into detail but at the time it felt like the emotional equivalent of someone close to me dying. No one died, for the record, but my anxiety told me to react in the same way. I was panicking and literally started debating packing up and moving somewhere else to start over, which thankfully only ended up turning into a spontaneous week-long trip to LA to visit my best friend and clear my head. Needless to say, I cried and hyperventilated the whole 4 hour drive to LA, and when I got back I decided that I was never going to let THAT happen to me again.

So what did I do? I taught myself how to breathe. I taught myself how to calm down. I taught myself to stop caring what other's thought about me. But most importantly I taught myself to start liking ME. I never really thought about the good qualities I have, like the fact that I'm funny (at least I think I'm funny, and that's all that counts in this situation), I'm smart, I'm a good person, and I put others before myself. And if someone thinks a comment I made is weird and they want to judge me for that, then it's not something I can control, and they're not people I want in my circle. They're the ones missing out on having me in their life, not the other way around. I decided right then that I didn't need or want anyone around me who made me feel like I had to second guess myself, so I began the difficult process of weeding out the people who did. And voila, I instantly started feeling this giant weight lifting off me. I started feeling worthy of being happy and not being so concerned with how I was perceived by everyone around me. I had to train my brain to stop caring and be ok with letting the real Chelsea shine through.

Don't get me wrong, this was extremely difficult and something I'm still working at for sure. It took me a long time to re-train my brain with no professional help whatsoever. But it's been a long while since I've had an anxiety attack and I know that it's because of the combination of people I now have in my life, and some simple advice I was given, "just don't worry about it." Stop worrying so much. Life is too damn short to be so unhappy and self conscious of every little thing. I'm weird, so what? Someday I'm gonna find my weirdo counterpart and nothing else will matter because I won't have to put up a front for anyone. Someone is going to love the best and the weirdest sides of me. And that's how it should be. I already have my weirdo friend-counterparts, which tells me I'm not alone and I'm never going to be alone. Plus, no one is worth that kind of anxiety in the long run of your life so there's no sense in getting all uptight over something that doesn't make you happy or make you a better person.

So the moral of the story is, it's not a losing battle. We all just need to embrace ourselves and our weirdness, because in the end no one can make you happy but yourself. And finding inner happiness is the key to finding happiness with others (or so I've been told).

I also love this Thought Catalog post titled, Everyone Is Weird. But more on that later.

Sweetness in Seattle.

Last weekend I returned to Seattle for my little brother's big 21st birthday. The other two times I've been there were both so special in their own right, so I was really looking forward to going back. This trip was no different, except that it may have been even MORE special because of a few select guest stars - Uncles Prescott & Paul, and my best friend from high school, Katie, who's living in Washington this summer. Side note: Seeing her was the best part of my summer, hands down. If love equals happiness, then this girl is the love of my life. For sure.

It was a quick 3-day weekend, we flew in on Friday afternoon and flew back Sunday afternoon (in time to pop off 3 episodes of Orange is the New Black which everyone on the trip was raving about. Turns out it's my new obsession, but back to the point). We got to spend some quality family time and explore the city a bit, which I've decided I need to come back and do more of. The next time I make the trip up to the Pacific North West, I'm staying longer than 3 days and hopefully will have a back healthy enough to walk around the hilly city and see it all.

Seattle is such an inspiring town. It's so big compared to Downtown Las Vegas and there's so many unique things I have yet to explore. It's a dream of mine to get lost in the city on a rainy day, pop into a coffee shop, and just let my fingers flow for hours. I think I could imagine living there one day, and each time I go back I'm reminded that I CAN live there, if I ever decided to take the plunge. Eeeek.

Anyways, my baby brother is 21 now and I got to take him out drinking for the first time ever. This is a big deal people, because Connor doesn't drink. Not that I wanted him to turn him into a lush, but I wanted to have that experience with him and now I'm looking forward to sharing a beer with him over dinner, or a glass of wine on Christmas, or taking him into a bar in my 'hood next time he's in town. The possibilities are endless. I remember when I was 20 and all my friends were legal except for me and I felt like I was missing out on the whole world because I couldn't set foot in a bar. I'm excited to be able to share the places I go and the social aspect of sharing a drink over some good conversation with Connor.

The first-ever sibling shot: A Buttery Nipple. Let this go down in history.

Cheers, little bro. I love you more each day.

Welcome to your mid twenties.

As my sister so eloquently (and somewhat shockingly) put it "You're no longer in your early twenties." I initially thought "COOL!" but then after a moment thought, "Oh shit, the era of my early twenties is over." But, to be honest, I'm glad to see them go, because I'm ready for the next phase of my young adult life. What will the next few years bring before I'm in my late twenties? Only time will tell, but I'm excited and eager to find out.

So back to turning 24. I'm usually pretty low-key about my birthdays. Aside from when I turned 21 in the most epic of fashions, I'm not one to make a big deal out of my birthday. I'm content to just have a nice dinner with a few close friends and call it a day. Don't get me wrong, I definitely enjoy doing SOMETHING, I'm just not big on planning celebrations on behalf of myself. With that being said, my incredible roommate, Leah took it upon herself to see that this non-milestone of a birthday was more memorable than any I've had in years.

It started with a simple "Don't worry about it, I've got something in mind." So I let it be, thinking she was probably planning a dinner or something. But as it creeped closer and I still didn't know what our plans were, I started getting suspicious. It was Thursday afternoon and I still didn't know who, what, when, or where something - if anything - was happening.

So on Friday a couple of co-workers and dear friends of mine (Julie & Jess) told me they wanted to take me out for a happy hour drink after work. I happily agreed and left work a few minutes early to go home and freshen up. Well, if you know my friends or our group of co-workers at all, you'd probably know that nothing ever goes according to a timed plan. So happy hour is running a little late (not surprising), and we decide to just grab a drink at Julie & TJ's apartment instead (3 floors down from where Leah and I live). I'm cool with that - it's Friday, just beer me!

So we chatted for a while until Jess realized she needed to go move her car from her metered space. I offered to go with her, and when we stepped outside I noticed my god-sister Lindsey's car parked outside my apartment complex. I knew it was hers because she has a very distinct vanity plate, but of course she denied she was there and told me she was at home in her PJ's. Noooope. I knew right then something was up.

So a little while later Julie & Jess somehow convinced me that we needed to stop by my apartment for something, so we headed upstairs. I was a little anxious since I had a feeling something was going on, but I wasn't sure what. So we walk in the door and my roommate is standing there with a margarita in hand while a few other people (Lindsey included!) jumped out and yelled "Surprise!" It was a special moment, followed by the realization that our friend Justin (who happens to be an AMAZING chef) had cooked up a burrito bar in my apartment as well. My favorite food + my favorite people. What could be better? I was blown away at this point at the thoughtfulness of it all.

But it didn't stop there: Leah then explained to me that they had another surprise in store. They had come up with a game for the night - a golf-style pub crawl. Being the creative graphic designer that she is, she made up a card for everyone to wear around their necks that had 8 bars listed on it, and a few drinks at each bar - you would earn a score for whichever drink you drank (with the idea that you wanted to get the lowest score possible because golf, duh). Side note: before we took off on the pub-crawl, it started torrentially down pouring (with lightning), which we could only laugh about. So we ate burritos in the rain and right before we left I snapped this pic of the amazing sunset peeking through the clouds. It was magical.

So notice above at the bar "Don't Tell Mama" the hole-in-one says "Chelsea Sings." That's a piano bar in town that I've drunkenly sang at once or twice in front of a select few people. But this was on another level because there was a group of around 20 people that I knew in there (and tons more that I didn't know). But that was the name of the game and I couldn't NOT sing, right? So I got up on stage and gave Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time" my best shot. It's not karaoke, so it's just you and the guy on the piano - no lyrics, no background music, no distractions. It's intimidating! But I had an absolute blast.

We only ended up making it to 4 bars before we had to call it a night, but I was absolutely blown away with the creativity and thought that was put into making it a special night. I couldn't have asked for anything more. I literally have the BEST roommate anyone could ask for. She's a huge light in my life and she made me feel more special than I have in years. No one has ever done anything like that for me and I just can't thank her enough. She, and all my friends, really, made me feel like I was worth celebrating, and that's not something I'm necessarily accustomed to, so it was really very special. I can't accurately express how grateful I am.

The rest of the weekend was super low-key, and exactly what I needed. We had a hangover brunch at my apartment on Saturday morning (breakfast burritos made out of leftovers from the night before), went to the pool, and relaxed. Then on Sunday (my actual day of birth) a few of us went and had brunch at one of my favorite places in town, Baby Stacks (yes, I'm obsessed with having brunch). Later on I had cocktails and dinner with my parents which was an awesome way to end the weekend.

Overall, turning 24 turned out to be pretty epic. 23 was a GREAT year in Chelsea history, so I'm excited to see what the first year of my mid-twenties have in store for me. As long as I'm surrounded by this incredible group of people I currently have in my life, I know it's gonna be fabulous.

Moments of bliss.

I had a realization the other day that I'm like, really happy. I've been having all these little moments of bliss recently where I catch myself feeling overwhelmingly happy. I get giddy and my heart starts racing and I'm overcome with this genuine feeling of pure joy all around me. Sounds kinda cheesy. It's an awesome feeling for sure, but it's strange because a year ago I never actually thought I would ever be so blissfully happy about anything in my life. I never thought I would get to the point where I could say that I'm completely happy and actually mean it.

I honed into this on Sunday night when I was at the Mumford & Sons concert in San Bernardino with my lifelong best friend, Cory and my co-workers, Julie & TJ. It was the perfect day, seeing an artist I adore for the first time in person, and with people I love to death. Every song they played I thought to myself, "there's no way I could ever be happier than I am right now." And then they would play another song and I'd feel myself elevating to a new level. If I had to define what absolute, unwavering happiness looks like to me, it's that. I wish I could bottle that feeling.

I think I had just gotten so used to just floating through life without really being 100% content with much around me. (How terrible is that?) I didn't really realize it until I got to the point where I actually WAS happy. A year ago today, for example, I was pretty much faking happiness on every level. 

I first started experiencing these moments of bliss when I was interning a couple summers ago at UFC. It was so refreshing at the time because I wasn't excited or inspired by anything in my day to day life. That summer was like a whole new section that I had added into my world that showed me what it felt like to not feel flat. I wasn't just going through the motions - I was LIVING.

Then after my internship I continued searching for that feeling again, with no such luck for quite some time. When I started working at Digital Royalty last summer I felt it start coming back. The common denominators here? Vegas and work. But not just any work - both times I've had jobs that I absolutely adored. That's such a huge part of it. I don't ever want to be in a situation where I'm working at a dead end job, unhappy and just there because I have to be. I'm lucky that I've never had to do that.

I felt it again on Monday night - making that two big times in less than 24 hours - when they announced the lineup of the Life Is Beautiful Festival coming to my city (literally 2 blocks from my apartment) in October. I get to be a part of this brand new, inaugural festival in MY city, where some of my favorite artists of all time are going to be playing. When they announced the lineup I think I screamed louder and smiled bigger than I ever have in my entire life. And I haven't stopped smiling since. It's going to be life-changing.

The point of this is, I hope I never go back to being that static version of myself I was for so long. THIS is who I am. I started laughing at basically everything I do because I've stopped taking myself too seriously. I get to go to live shows every other week and have good friends and co-workers who I can be myself around and who really do want to spend time shooting the shit, listening to my ideas, and have respect for me as a person. I don't lose sleep over the past anymore. And I love my job, apartment, roommate, and city I'm living in. I will never take for granted how lucky I am to be young and in love with my life at this moment in time.