The reality of it is.

*Big Sigh*

I've been wanting to sit down and write for a while now but I just can't come up with the words. I want so badly to get everything out and just cry and eventually feel better, but I just find myself staring blankly at walls and sighing. Lots and lots of sighing.

Whoever said funerals were supposed to bring closure had obviously never been to one. Before Scott's funeral I was upset, of course, but I was still functioning and doing things and not focusing all my attention on the enormous tragedy that had just taken place. I was mostly in a protective mode wanting to make sure my family was ok and that we were all still breathing and eating and (kind of) sleeping. After the funeral, it feels more open than ever. Funerals don't bring closure, they bring reality. It never seems real until you're standing there listening to someone's eulogy. And after it's over... well that's when the real heartache begins. 

Everyone has to go back to their lives at some point, right? We all have to eventually try to pick up the pieces and continue trucking, no matter how much it hurts. Life undoubtedly always goes on, whether we want it to or not. We have no choice other than to keep moving forward no matter how hard that may be. And for me, moving forward means sending my family back to their respective locations and going back to an empty apartment where I have to go back to thinking about all the big questions that were in my head before all this happened: where am I going to go in a mere few weeks when I graduate? Where am I going to work? What if I don't get a job? Am I about to uproot my whole life or stay in my college bubble a while longer? All of that which seemed so heavy before is now clouded with the unmistakable dark shadow I can constantly see out of the corner of my eye that represents Scott's suicide. 

How is anyone supposed to keep moving forward after something like this? We all know that eventually everyone dies, that's why we're able to cope with a Grandparent dying of cancer or a stroke, we know it's coming and that it's inevitable and we have time to prepare ourselves. But when someone leaves this world in a snap second because of the product of their own choice...how do you cope with THAT? How can you possibly find it in your heart to accept that "it is what it is" and move on? There will forever be unanswered questions. The wound will never really close all the way because we'll never find that "closure." Closure is a bullshit, made-up word in order to make people feel like they can find some reason that helps them close that gaping wound and move on. Well what happens when closure doesn't exist? Then what?