The injury.

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. You see, about six years ago I had an accident while I was diving. It was so long ago I can't even remember the details of it, and I've had so many accidents over the years, they all just kind of blur together now. All I know is that one day at practice I hit the water the wrong way and started having severe back pain. I went and got x-rays that indeterminately may or may not have showed a stress fracture in my spine. We got a few different opinions, upped my chiropractic care, and decided that whatever it was I could swallow some advil and push through the pain. So I did. For the next six years.

And six years later, I'm still pushing through it. Sometimes it's fine, and other times it's so bad that I can barely walk - physically cannot bend my knees because it hurts so damn bad. But like a trained athlete, I've learned to push through it no matter how bad it gets. Back in September I had a really bad flare up and I literally cried myself to sleep one night because I couldn't handle how bad it was hurting. So I found a new chiropractor (who kind of turned out to be a crazy person), got more x-rays that again didn't really show much of anything (oh, except "Spina Bifida" - a disease that you're born with that I don't actually have, but again, insert crazy chiropractor lady), and just kept dealing with it until it started feeling better again.

When I moved to Vegas I started seeing a chiropractor immediately because the 15 hour drive across the Rockies caused yet another flare up, but this time she said something to me that was kind of like hitting a nail on the head. She was surprised that I had been dealing with this for so long and hadn't figured out what it was. She was concerned because no doctor has ever suggested an MRI to get a closer image of my spine, and everyone has been dismissing this severe pain I've been having as "chronic back pain." And lately I've been feeling like maybe nothing is wrong and it's all in my head and I'm just some crazy person.

Well, she sent me in for that MRI yesterday and demanded the results within 24 hours. Turns out I'm not a crazy person. I have a bulging disc and a herniated disc in my spine. The good news is that the bulging disc hasn't ruptured, and the herniated disc isn't causing nerve damage yet. The bad news? I can get some cortisone shots in my back or take pain killers for the time being but at some point I'm probably going to have to have surgery.

It was a very frustrating day because when I told my mom her first instinct was to absolutely say NO to surgery. And don't get me wrong, I don't want to have back surgery, but I also don't have all the facts yet. All I know is that I don't need surgery right this second. And each time I explain what's happening to someone their first question is, "do you have to have surgery?" To be honest, I'm relieved that it's something and not nothing, but I'm also really scared because it does get so severe sometimes that I can't walk, and what happens if the herniated disc starts causing nerve damage? Of course I would like to avoid surgery, but my dad brings up the point that this is lowering my quality of life when I can't do things like walk or stand for long amounts of time or exercise or drive in a car for a long distance. And who wants to get junked out on pain killers? Not this girl.

I've been thinking about diving so much today. I miss it sometimes because it was a huge part of my life for 13 years. But I wonder what would have happened if I didn't retire when I did. It's a really dangerous sport and I've hit just about every body part you can imagine on the diving board, had my fair share of bruises from smacking the water, and I've definitely cried into a pool gutter more times than I care to admit to. But it was a unique relationship and it was mine. And now I'm just feeling a little bit sad. It's hard to explain. It's complicated, like most relationships are.

I'm glad I know what's wrong with me now and relieved to know it's not all in my head, but trying hard to wrap my brain around what I've actually been dealing with for so long and what it could potentially mean for my future.