It's not you, it's where you are.

By the time my lease is up at the end of this year, I will have been in Vegas for over 3 years, which is longer than anywhere else I’ve lived since I was in high school. I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on this place - enough to have a very formulated opinion if nothing else, and lately I’ve been putting a lot of thought into my relationship with this city. Just like me, she can be a real dame and a real doozy, when she wants to be.

Vegas is the city that’s notorious for drunken 72-hour long marriages, one-night stands, gambling addictions, drive through chapels, and the “I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine” mentality. The dresses are too short, the heels too high, the alcohol too expensive, and the people just fake enough to make you question how living here can possibly be considered real life. But it is real life for those of us who have taken up residency. With the expectation of fake eyelashes, push up bras, and 6 inch pumps that murder your body from your feet to your neck, one weekend is usually enough for people to get a taste and then head back to whatever “normal” city they left behind for a few days of lavish extremities. Thankfully living downtown isn’t as extreme as what you might experience if you venture south down Las Vegas Blvd (enter: Fantasy Land). The Strip turns Vegas into a city of magic and mischief, which is both tempting and troublesome.

Vegas is the city that giveth and the city that taketh away. It gives you a platform for your wildest dreams to manifest because no dream is too big, too outrageous, too extreme. It’s the city that gives you hope for your future by planting the idea that you can do anything or be anyone you want to be (you want to be Tupac or a sexy cowboy? Head on down to Fremont Street and you've got yourself a gig). It provides an atmosphere of constant excitement and entertainment around every corner. There’s truly never a dull moment - unless you choose to spend your Friday nights on the couch with Ted Mosby and a glass of sangria (which there's nothing wrong with, by the way).

But it can also take that all away faster than you can say “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." I’ve seen more start-up companies try and fail and come and go than I even knew existed. I’ve seen people get carried away having TOO much fun and end up at their version of rock bottom, which ranges from being blacked out over a strangers toilet seat to losing their home because they gambled it away. I’ve seen hearts get broken when it all just becomes too much to bear: lovers lose interest, sin city soulmates head home, and people you care about start to leave because they realize what comes next.

You’re constantly surrounded by thousands of people, all seemingly pulsing and buzzing like a choir in unison. Yet the loneliness of this city is palpable, and much like with every added drink on a Saturday night you can feel it coursing through your blood stream. You’re hardly ever alone, yet you’re always lonely. You’re out playing with your friends and laughing on the outside, maybe even drunkenly singing at the piano bar if you’re feeling bold. But deep down that last shot of Fireball represents the feeling in the pit of your stomach that your life is just missing something. You’re constantly told by everyone you meet to suck it up because you’re "so young” - as if that means you lack the ability to formulate a genuine opinion of your own circumstances. After one year and +15 pounds of beer belly, you begin to realize that this city is not sustainable for 20-somethings chasing after their futures. We can’t last. The expectations are not realistic.

Knowing you’re not leaving anytime soon (and face it, you don’t want to yet), you spend the next 6 months trying to make the most of where you’re at by not letting yourself get sucked downstream in a sea of booze. You lose the 15 pounds you put on, start focusing more on your career trajectory and feel confident about the upward direction you’re heading. Maybe you even start trying to date again in an effort to create some sort of normalcy in your personal life outside of work. But after you’ve been turned down 3 times in a row by 3 different guys via radio silence after inviting them to a UFC fight or out for a drink, you start to realize that it’s obvious why you feel so lonely and no one is able to find companionship here. You have to wonder, is it you? But before you start feeling too sorry for yourself, you're given some very valuable advice: It’s not you, it’s where you are.

A lightbulb goes off. You realize that sentence applies to more than just your love life. Maybe you’re not the common denominator here. Maybe Vegas is the common denominator. Maybe you’re the only normal thing about this city, and you don’t even realize it because you’re consumed by the unrealistic situation you're in. “Normal” in Vegas isn’t “normal” anywhere else in the world. It's entirely possible that everyone you’ve met has a glittery blindfold on, preventing them from wanting any sort of real, emotional connection with another human being (and you're pretty sure that anyone who says they don't want that is either lying or lives in Las Vegas). But not you; you've already outgrown that phase of your Vegas residency. It makes you wonder, maybe if you moved to a different city without all the showgirls, bright lights, and $50 cover charges things would be different; "real life" could actually start. Maybe Vegas is just a catalyst into the next phase of your life where things will start to level out. There’s no denying it’s been good to you though; you started your career here, inherited some of the best friends the universe could have possibly picked out for you, and grew into your awkward 20-something phase of life. Even though at times it feels like your career path is at a peak and your love life is a vast empty valley, deep down you love it here and your (nearly) 25-year-old-self wouldn’t trade it for anywhere else.

But you can’t help but start to wonder, what comes next? If you’ve got the job, the friends, the apartment, and the family near by, what is it that's missing? Why aren’t you the happiest you could be? You already know the answer but you’re too lonely to even admit it out loud. There's a missing piece of the puzzle that you’re confident won’t be found under current circumstances. Unfortunately you know that might mean eventually having to start the entire puzzle over from scratch. Then all at once you realize what’s missing. It's not another person, it's a decision, and one you're not quite ready to make. 

You sometimes feel discouraged, but deep down you still believe in this city because you’ve seen what she's capable of. You're not ready to give up on her just yet. You know it’s a gamble, but the perfect hand will be dealt in due time, right? So until then, you keep your fingers crossed, continue to roll the dice, and each night you say the old Vegas prayer, "luck, be a lady tonight." 

Then you stop and remind yourself: you own your happiness, not anyone else. And you keep pushing forward towards the life you've always wanted. Wherever that is, is still TBD.