Here we go. The post I have been thinking about all day. Every time I sat down to write it I somehow stopped myself, basically postponing the inevitable. I need to write this, HAVE to write this, but ironically don't know what to say. So I'll just write. Whatever comes out is how it will be.
It's 11:38pm right now, which means the day is almost over so before I let the last 22 minutes run out, Happy 18th Birthday Brianna. That's what has been on my mind all day. For so long she looked forward to turning 18. In fact, one of the last status updates she ever wrote, right before she turned 17 was "Needs to be 18.. NOW" to which her mom replied "One day!" Looking at that now absolutely breaks my heart because that "one day" is here, and she is not.
I can remember a comment she wrote a few days after my own birthday on my Myspace from a couple years back: "happy late birthday hoe!" Come to think of it, I remember most of the comments she ever left me because well, I've read them several times since she passed. Every one of them an "I miss you" when I went off to college or a subtle reminder of how she looked up to me. Reading them makes me feel like she's still here because there is so much life in every word she wrote. It hits me like a brick in the face.
I cling to those precious comments because they are all I have left. I don't have a picture or a scribble in my yearbook like everyone else has. I have a Myspace page and my fading memory. I don't think anyone understands how much those little things mean to me. It's why I take too many pictures or keep little things that have no relevance anymore. I should have deleted my Myspace years ago, but now I refuse because that's where she is. She reached out to me on there for the last time a little over a month before she passed.
None of this has to do with her birthday anymore and at this point I know I am rambling on another post about my late friend, but it's the only way I possibly know how to express my feelings toward the situation (not that I do a good job of it on here, when I re-read previous posts on the matter they don't even say half of what I was thinking/feeling at the time). It's hard having no one on the receiving end too because no one really gets how this has effected me. And at a certain point it started feeling like I was just talking to myself anyways. People began picking up their lives and moving on, but I never could seem to pull it together for long enough to classify as "moving on." I still have so much guilt and regret and unanswered questions - and so many tears left to cry.
I guess almost a full year after Brianna passed, I am still in the shock phase. Sometimes I still don't believe it. It still hits me like it hit me on the first day. I'll see someone who I know was connected to her and she wont leave my mind for days. I pray for dreams about her and signs that she is ok and that she knows how much I love her. I didn't tell her enough how I would have done anything for her. And it physically hurts my heart that I can't even remember the last time I saw her face while she was alive.
I wish so badly that she could have lived to see this day she looked forward to so much. She really was something special, even with her trouble-making ways. She really was special to me. So, happy birthday, Brianna. This may not have been the silly birthday card you would have enjoyed but you would have liked the attention anyways, THAT I'm sure of. I hope wherever you are now you are happy and smiling down on us from a better place.
This world was just too small for someone as beautiful as you.
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