2 Ends and a Beginning

Well bloggers, my last update was pretty darn sad. And this one probably isn't going to be *too* much happier, but it needs to be done.

I went home on Saturday night with the intention of packing up some things and saying bye to my mom before I left for the summer, and it turned into a horrible realization that this would be the final night I would probably ever spend in that house. From there I had to pack up my entire bedroom (which meant throwing things away, and making piles of garage sale items and good will items) and somehow try not to have a melt down in the process.

Well, I failed miserably at the not melting down process. I just couldn't hold it in. I had one when I deliberately drove by Brianna's old house (which may or may not have been a good idea) and before I left I went into my backyard and had one last jump on the trampoline (I used to do that the morning before every first day of school started) and I just cried. When we first moved to Colorado I never imagined ever being in this place. I never imagined that one day down the road I would actually be sad to leave this place that I swore I would never consider my home. Now that that day has come, I'm feeling tons of mixed emotions. I'm so happy and relieved for my mom who deserves this, I'm mad at certain things, and most of all I'm sad that it's not my home anymore. The bed I've been sleeping in since I was 2 years old I won't ever get to sleep in again. The lime green walls that I finally got around to painting right before I left for college are no longer reflective of the person I am. All the high school memories that hung on the walls are taken down, and the room is no longer mine.*

*too bad it'll always be mine, because just like in my house in California, I wrote my name in a secret spot in the closet :)

Then comes the second ending. I just got finished with 4 of my finals and only have one left on Wednesday. I had this really awesome class with a great teacher who let us meet at this restaurant called "The Sink" for our final presentations. We all got to just be really casual and share a drink with our teacher and it really made me think of how I get so attached to my classes every semester. Maybe it's just getting comfortable with a routine, or maybe it's the classes themselves, but it always makes me slightly sad to see a semester end. Especially now, because this ending marks more than just the end of the semester: it's the graduation of my high school class and many close friends, and also the transition into my very last semester of college. It's such a surreal feeling, watching the end near.

Then there's this great beginning I have directly in front of me. I've gotten some really great advice lately in the form of reassuring me that just because a lot of things are ending in my life, there's still a lot of great things about to begin. This internship is a once in a life time opportunity that I get to partake in, my family will finally all be closer together, and I have the chance to go anywhere and do anything after I graduate, and so even though I'll be grieving the loss of my childhood home (and maybe even my childhood in general), I have many positive things coming my way.

So I guess what I'm getting at - if I'm even getting anywhere at all is that I'm probably going to be going through these ups and downs for a while. At least until the end of college and probably after then when I'm freaking out about what comes next. I've never been good at dealing with change, but since it's inevitable I guess I'll just have to take it as it comes and do the best I can. I'm allowed to grieve. I'm human. I'm allowed to be sad and get upset. I'm going to miss this chapter in my life so much because I've done the most growing up during this time. But maybe that's why I'll miss it - because it means I'm growing up and I'm making the official transition into adulthood.

Scary. Weird. In total denial. But *almost* ready to take on the world.