Baby G.

This morning at 2:29am, my cousin Sara and her husband Drew welcomed a sweet little baby girl into the world, Anne Kelly Gehling (or as I will call her for the rest of her life, Baby G). I haven't even met her yet and I already love her with my whole heart.

This is the first baby of our generation in the Ford family, which makes her extra special. It was surreal, but also one of the happiest moments I've ever expereinced, waking up to a picture of my new baby niece (technically she's my 2nd cousin, but that just doesn't seem fitting). Tears swelled up in my eyes and I smiled all morning while I thought about how Sara held my hand as I grew up and what light she's continuously brought into my life. Little Annie is coming into the world surrounded by the same.

I am so unbelievably happy for all three of them, but especially Baby G, because I know she's going to grow up with the absolute best parents ever in existence, and will be surrounded by an infinite amount of love and happiness and laughter throughout her entire life.

Welcome to the world, Baby G. I can't wait to meet you.

4 years.

Every year on this day I wake up feeling sentimental and sad. August 25th never used to mean anything to me - it was just a regular day in my book. But that changed all in an instant one sunny afternoon as I was walking through campus in Boulder. It's been 4 years to the day since my sweet friend, Brianna passed away.

This morning as I was pondering over a cup of coffee and internally sharing some memories with myself, I re-read this letter I wrote to Brianna on the two year anniversary of her death. The time that's passed seems like a blur now, but somehow through my state of shock and grief (that lasted much longer than what should have been normal), I was able to articulate these timeless words that really resonated this morning:

"In the very last weekend I spent in Parker, right before I moved to Vegas, when I knew it would be the last weekend I ever spent in that town, I drove by your old house where I used to pick you up every morning before school. I sat there in the car staring at your house and just cried. I felt like if I left Parker, I was abandoning your memory. But I've realized I'll never be able to leave you behind because you mean too much to me. You're always going to have a huge place in my heart, no matter where I am in the world."

I remember feeling like if I moved on and moved away from our hometown, that meant letting her go. And although on some level, leaving our neighborhood that was haunted with the memory of her helped with the grieving process, I never really could (or would) let her go. I have not returned to Parker since I moved. It's been almost 2 years since I've set foot in that town, but I have never once for a second stopped loving or learning from her, because no matter where I am in the world, she'll always have a huge place in my heart.

I guess it's true that time heals all wounds, I'm just not the most patient person on the planet. For almost 2 years I cried regularly and grieved hard over the loss of Brianna. I blamed myself a lot, even though her death was not my fault. But somewhere over time, I started to cope. The wound isn't fresh anymore, but there will always be a dull pain in my heart. A cringing feeling in my stomach on this day each year that still lies in disbelief of the things I've heard and seen. But life doesn't stop and we have to keep moving forward. Brianna would have wanted us to all move forward and experience life to the fullest, like she always tried to do. So that's what I have to try and do, for her.

It's hard to believe that 4 years has passed in the blink of an eye. I'm a different person, and I'm sure she would have been too. But I'll continue cling to her beautiful memory and all the things she taught me throughout her life and her death, because she changed me. And I'll never, ever stop loving or missing her, no matter where I am in this world.

Just Don't Worry About It.

Pretty much all my life I've struggled with anxiety. I can remember back to being a kid and having anxiety attacks about something I said or did on the playground or in the classroom that would eat away at me for weeks. Of course, at the time I didn't realize what it was, but as I grew older and it kept happening I realized I'm just kind of an anxious person, and I went through my whole childhood like that.

It got so bad when I was in college that I was giving myself these debilitating stomach aches on a daily basis, to the point where I would get nauseous and start sweating and panicking so badly I honestly thought I would pass out at any second from the intense stomach pain - often times this happened when I was in public, but I would keep it internal. I finally went and got tested for a bunch of things to see if there was something physically wrong with me because I didn't realize that my mental state was actually causing my body to have a physical reaction until the doctors came back with absolutely nothing wrong. And that's when I knew exactly what was wrong.

You see, it's really not easy to struggle with anxiety. You second guess everything you say and do and you're always wondering if what you've said or done is good enough or how it was perceived by everyone else. A thought might randomly pop into your head about something you just remembered you said several weeks ago that will cause you to go into a spiraling panic, start re-evaluating your whole life, and start plotting your move across the country where you can start over and never have to see the person you made that little comment to ever again, even though in reality they probably didn't even notice, care, or frankly will ever think about again. Meanwhile your stomach is churning for days and you're cringing about how stupid you feel for whatever the incident was. Your mind cannot shift away from it until you just can't help but start panicking and wishing you were never born. And then when you finally get over that one, something else pops into your head and the cycle starts again. At least that's usually how it went for me.

So one day I had a thought: I don't have to live like this. And I don't WANT to live like this. Constantly making yourself feel like you could projectile vomit all over everything at any second because you're having an internal panic attack that no one knows about but you is a sad way to go through life. So I realized I had two options. I could either go back to the doctor with my self-diagnosis and ask for some medication that would curb the anxiety but potentially make me feel like a zombie, or I could teach myself how to deal with it. I chose the latter.

I had a breaking point about a year and a half ago when something major happened in my life. I won't go into detail but at the time it felt like the emotional equivalent of someone close to me dying. No one died, for the record, but my anxiety told me to react in the same way. I was panicking and literally started debating packing up and moving somewhere else to start over, which thankfully only ended up turning into a spontaneous week-long trip to LA to visit my best friend and clear my head. Needless to say, I cried and hyperventilated the whole 4 hour drive to LA, and when I got back I decided that I was never going to let THAT happen to me again.

So what did I do? I taught myself how to breathe. I taught myself how to calm down. I taught myself to stop caring what other's thought about me. But most importantly I taught myself to start liking ME. I never really thought about the good qualities I have, like the fact that I'm funny (at least I think I'm funny, and that's all that counts in this situation), I'm smart, I'm a good person, and I put others before myself. And if someone thinks a comment I made is weird and they want to judge me for that, then it's not something I can control, and they're not people I want in my circle. They're the ones missing out on having me in their life, not the other way around. I decided right then that I didn't need or want anyone around me who made me feel like I had to second guess myself, so I began the difficult process of weeding out the people who did. And voila, I instantly started feeling this giant weight lifting off me. I started feeling worthy of being happy and not being so concerned with how I was perceived by everyone around me. I had to train my brain to stop caring and be ok with letting the real Chelsea shine through.

Don't get me wrong, this was extremely difficult and something I'm still working at for sure. It took me a long time to re-train my brain with no professional help whatsoever. But it's been a long while since I've had an anxiety attack and I know that it's because of the combination of people I now have in my life, and some simple advice I was given, "just don't worry about it." Stop worrying so much. Life is too damn short to be so unhappy and self conscious of every little thing. I'm weird, so what? Someday I'm gonna find my weirdo counterpart and nothing else will matter because I won't have to put up a front for anyone. Someone is going to love the best and the weirdest sides of me. And that's how it should be. I already have my weirdo friend-counterparts, which tells me I'm not alone and I'm never going to be alone. Plus, no one is worth that kind of anxiety in the long run of your life so there's no sense in getting all uptight over something that doesn't make you happy or make you a better person.

So the moral of the story is, it's not a losing battle. We all just need to embrace ourselves and our weirdness, because in the end no one can make you happy but yourself. And finding inner happiness is the key to finding happiness with others (or so I've been told).

I also love this Thought Catalog post titled, Everyone Is Weird. But more on that later.

Sweetness in Seattle.

Last weekend I returned to Seattle for my little brother's big 21st birthday. The other two times I've been there were both so special in their own right, so I was really looking forward to going back. This trip was no different, except that it may have been even MORE special because of a few select guest stars - Uncles Prescott & Paul, and my best friend from high school, Katie, who's living in Washington this summer. Side note: Seeing her was the best part of my summer, hands down. If love equals happiness, then this girl is the love of my life. For sure.

It was a quick 3-day weekend, we flew in on Friday afternoon and flew back Sunday afternoon (in time to pop off 3 episodes of Orange is the New Black which everyone on the trip was raving about. Turns out it's my new obsession, but back to the point). We got to spend some quality family time and explore the city a bit, which I've decided I need to come back and do more of. The next time I make the trip up to the Pacific North West, I'm staying longer than 3 days and hopefully will have a back healthy enough to walk around the hilly city and see it all.

Seattle is such an inspiring town. It's so big compared to Downtown Las Vegas and there's so many unique things I have yet to explore. It's a dream of mine to get lost in the city on a rainy day, pop into a coffee shop, and just let my fingers flow for hours. I think I could imagine living there one day, and each time I go back I'm reminded that I CAN live there, if I ever decided to take the plunge. Eeeek.

Anyways, my baby brother is 21 now and I got to take him out drinking for the first time ever. This is a big deal people, because Connor doesn't drink. Not that I wanted him to turn him into a lush, but I wanted to have that experience with him and now I'm looking forward to sharing a beer with him over dinner, or a glass of wine on Christmas, or taking him into a bar in my 'hood next time he's in town. The possibilities are endless. I remember when I was 20 and all my friends were legal except for me and I felt like I was missing out on the whole world because I couldn't set foot in a bar. I'm excited to be able to share the places I go and the social aspect of sharing a drink over some good conversation with Connor.

The first-ever sibling shot: A Buttery Nipple. Let this go down in history.

Cheers, little bro. I love you more each day.