The annual January 2nd Meltdown.

Here we go again. Like clockwork every. single. year. on January 2nd I have, in some form or another, a giant melt down. Usually it sounds something like "what am I doing with my life?!" and ends with me crying hysterically for a couple hours before I pull myself together and realize the next morning how stupid that was.

This one time when I was a junior in high school, my friend Katie witnessed this annual meltdown at swim practice. I could not for the life of me do this one god-forsaken dive. There was so much pressure on me to win league championships which were in like a month and I just could not do this dive and if I didn't do it, I would lose and be the laughing stock of...myself. So I had this big emotional meltdown at practice while I sobbed into the pool gutter - literally drowning in my sorrows. It was pathetic, people. And now when I think about that day, I laugh because it was so utterly ridiculous. But in that moment, I was taking a specific aspect of my life and blowing it up to be the end all-be all of my existence and THAT is why I had a melt down. And as it turns out, I did win leagues, made 1st team all conference, and had an undefeated season which makes it just that much more ridiculous.

The point of that story is that it's January 2nd and clearly time for my yearly meltdown. I didn't really recognize it when it started happening. I was on my way to Target and I started getting this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach which I immediately recognized as anxiety - but why? NOTHING happened to me today to give me anxiety or grief about ANYTHING. So I parked my car and thought, "Ok, why am I having an anxiety attack?" Boom. Answer? It's January 2nd,  that's why.

I think this happens because right after New Years I start picking apart my life and thinking about where I am and where I thought I would be, what I hope to accomplish in the next year, what I've accomplished in the past year and it freaks me out. I put really high (and sometimes unrealistic) expectations on myself at all times and it has the ability to cause me to freak the hell out. I know I only graduated 3 weeks ago, but I feel like a deadbeat right now. I have no job yet, I'm sitting on my ass at home all day gaining a million pounds, my brother left this morning to go back to school which I no longer have the option of doing, and my roommates (parentals) are already driving me insane, yet every time I leave the house to get away from it there's no purpose to where I'm going.

So it's time to get off my ass and make the necessary changes. It's weird how sometimes the meltdown inspires me to get going - maybe that's it's purpose? Who knows.

I realized that last year I dedicated an entire post to my new years resolutions and didn't really give them that much attention the year. One measly paragraph in a post about the entire year in review? I don't think so. So here is my legitimate list, because I've recently decided (this afternoon) that I have way more that need to be cited.

• Find a job I like. And not be too discouraged if I don't get the one I really, really, really really, want.
• Stop unnecessarily panicking.
• Use the time I'm unemployed to do things that are worthwhile. Like writing. Or going for a run (napping is no longer one of these things).
• STOP DRINKING DR. PEPPER. Seriously, I'm stopping. 
• Be more spontaneous and exciting.
• Make more of an effort to spend time with certain people.
• Get into a consistent writing pattern.
• Open up my mind and heart to new possibilities that I've been closed off to for a long time.

I found this quote saved on my desktop this morning. I have no idea where it came from or who wrote it, but I'm taking it as a sign. This year will be just as great as 2011, because I'm going to make it great.

"Be fearless. If you make one resolution this year, let it be to live boldly. You control this moment. Rather than cautiously test the water, dive straight into life with freeing abandon. Imagine the person you want to be and the life you want to live and simply commit to them. Believe in yourself. Embrace your beauty. Discover a new person. Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't be afraid to make a splash."