4 years.

Every year on this day I wake up feeling sentimental and sad. August 25th never used to mean anything to me - it was just a regular day in my book. But that changed all in an instant one sunny afternoon as I was walking through campus in Boulder. It's been 4 years to the day since my sweet friend, Brianna passed away.

This morning as I was pondering over a cup of coffee and internally sharing some memories with myself, I re-read this letter I wrote to Brianna on the two year anniversary of her death. The time that's passed seems like a blur now, but somehow through my state of shock and grief (that lasted much longer than what should have been normal), I was able to articulate these timeless words that really resonated this morning:

"In the very last weekend I spent in Parker, right before I moved to Vegas, when I knew it would be the last weekend I ever spent in that town, I drove by your old house where I used to pick you up every morning before school. I sat there in the car staring at your house and just cried. I felt like if I left Parker, I was abandoning your memory. But I've realized I'll never be able to leave you behind because you mean too much to me. You're always going to have a huge place in my heart, no matter where I am in the world."

I remember feeling like if I moved on and moved away from our hometown, that meant letting her go. And although on some level, leaving our neighborhood that was haunted with the memory of her helped with the grieving process, I never really could (or would) let her go. I have not returned to Parker since I moved. It's been almost 2 years since I've set foot in that town, but I have never once for a second stopped loving or learning from her, because no matter where I am in the world, she'll always have a huge place in my heart.

I guess it's true that time heals all wounds, I'm just not the most patient person on the planet. For almost 2 years I cried regularly and grieved hard over the loss of Brianna. I blamed myself a lot, even though her death was not my fault. But somewhere over time, I started to cope. The wound isn't fresh anymore, but there will always be a dull pain in my heart. A cringing feeling in my stomach on this day each year that still lies in disbelief of the things I've heard and seen. But life doesn't stop and we have to keep moving forward. Brianna would have wanted us to all move forward and experience life to the fullest, like she always tried to do. So that's what I have to try and do, for her.

It's hard to believe that 4 years has passed in the blink of an eye. I'm a different person, and I'm sure she would have been too. But I'll continue cling to her beautiful memory and all the things she taught me throughout her life and her death, because she changed me. And I'll never, ever stop loving or missing her, no matter where I am in this world.