its not that im upset about my aunt dying. i mean i am, but thats not my biggest issue. i wasnt THAT close to her, and granted it doesnt matter WHO in your family dies, its gonna be hard no matter what, but i wasnt as close to her as i was with my grandpa or any of my other relatives. she was my moms aunt, so my great aunt, and my grandmas sister. the thing that i am most upset about is my grandma. she just lost her husband and now her younger sister.
i wish i could be there for my family. thats my biggest concern. i want to give each and every one of them a hug and let them know im here for them with open arms. the only thing i have is the phone and email because neither me or my family can afford to send me out there. i understand that, its just hard.
everyone says i can support without actually being there, but its not the same. when my grandpa died, it was incredibly hard for everyone, but i will never regret being able to be by his side during his last days, and being able to cry and hold each of my family members. as hard as deaths are, they bring people together in a weird twisted way. how often does an entire family get to be together anymore? not very often. so its bittersweet. thats what i feel im missing out on. being with my family in a time of need.
i know they know i am there in spirit, but what good does me being there in spirit do if i cant hug you and tell you everything will be ok? i want to be there for my family. i know being surrounded by the crying and the pain and the depression is hard as hell, and takes a toll on a person after a while, but its better than not being there. and even though i wasnt as close with aunt marie as i would have liked, i would never WANT to miss her funeral and the chance for one last good bye.
i hope she rests in peace, and that my grandma can find peace in knowing she is happy and safe and in a better place. i have no doubts that she is.
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