Reality Check: I'm alone.

I often read posts from old college friends who are so vulnerable with their writing. They put it all out there and wear their hearts on their sleeves, not giving a damn that the one person it's likely about is probably going to be reading it. It doesn't phase them because they genuinely don't care if that person sees it. I admire that so much. I wish I had that kind of vulnerable, don't-give-a-damn attitude about everything I say and do.

I find myself holding back with my writing because I have a few people on the list that I'm not very comfortable with knowing exactly how I feel. Maybe I like keeping a little mystery or maybe I'm just scared to lay it all out there. The back-end of my blog has probably 20 unpublished posts in the last month alone. 

Anyways, I guess I felt the urge to do a little bit of a heart to heart, inspired by a recent post I read by an old college friend. Here goes: A few nights ago I was referred to as "the single one" by a waitress while out to dinner with some friends who happen to be couples. While it was actually pretty funny when it happened, I've never been more aware of the lack of romance in my life until then.

And to be honest.. I'm starting to feel pretty lonely. That night it was brought to the forefront with the "single one" comment and hasn't left my head since. It's not a big deal. I'm not even saying I need or want someone. It's just a sad reality that ALL my friends are couples and I actually AM the lone "single one." They never make me feel like a 5th wheel by any means, but they all get to go home to someone at night. They have someone to spend time with on the weekends or miss when they're gone. And me? I don't have that. And sometimes it stings.

But what stings even more is that little voice in the back of my mind that keeps saying "get used to it, Chels, because it might not ever happen for you again." I hate that voice. And hey, I know I'm only 23 and that's way too young to be giving up on the idea of ever finding someone. Trust me, you don't have to tell me that. I get it. I know. But I can't help but evaluate my past relationships and mistakes and feel like I got the short end of the romantic stick. Why does everyone else get to move on and be happy and I get to stay alone and sad?

I've gone through a lot of changes in the past year and a half. I've taken risks I didn't even know I had in me. I'm a different person now than I was in any of my past relationships. I've learned a lot and made changes and I'm a much happier person in general. I've got a lot to look forward to in the coming months and I'm surrounded by a really healthy and exciting atmosphere with incredible people. For all the great things I have going on, I've been floating on cloud nine. Except for that voice that periodically reminds me that I'm still alone and have been for a long, long time.