Introducing: Single in Sin City.

They say you should write drunk and edit sober, so I'm writing this with a glass of wine in my hand but probably not planning on editing sober (update: I edited sober). My life feels sloppy right now, much like how this post might turn out is. But that's the beauty of it, I suppose. It's honest if nothing else.

A while ago I was introduced to a little dating app called Tinder. I was super reluctant at first because it felt like a hook-up scheme. I had the impression that everyone on there would be sleazy, gross, and only after one thing - which stands to reason if we're being honest here. I'm sure half the dudes who "swipe right" just think you're hot and easy, and hey, it's easier than actually meeting someone face to face and pursuing them like a normal human being, right? But I decided to give it a try after hearing a few success stories from people I actually trust.

I set up my lame ass profile and had no idea what the hell to reveal about myself so I went with a spin on my Twitter bio: "Hilary Duff lookalike & burrito connoisseur. Social media & UFC ass-kicking." Enough to create a conversation starter or two? I guess, but I still felt extremely lame (and still do). But I swear to god if I had a nickel for every profile I've seen that had "KCCO" or "It's going down, I'm yelling TINDER!" as their description, I would be rich as fuck by now. At least I tried to be somewhat creative and descriptive of myself.

I won't lie - I did not "swipe right" on anyone the first time I sat down and scrolled through because I was nervous. I didn't actually know what the hell I was in for or what the repercussions would be if I did. But then of course I found a dude I thought was super cute and said "fuck it." We were matched. He never said anything. So I moved on and swiped right a few more times. All the sudden I got sucked in like it was a god damn game and I was swiping left and right like it was my job - and hilariously enough not even talking to anyone I was matched with. I kind of liked it that way because if nothing else it was showing me that there's more men in Vegas than I previously thought - albeit not a plethora of my type. Lot's of weirdos, beardos, UNLV students (NO!), and dudes just passing through for the weekend (no surprise there). Side note: Tinder forces you to be shallow and judge if you're interested in someone based on their appearance in 1-4 photos. I really don't like that quality in myself or in others, so I find it difficult to take it seriously.

But I grew bold. I started a few conversations, responded to a few creative opening lines. I thought, what the hell, at least this might help me loosen up and learn how to have a normal conversation with a guy which is something I'm terrible at unless I have zero attraction to them whatsoever. I started getting pretty good. Then I got asked on my first "Tinder date" which was kind of exciting. I took a deep breath, consulted my best friend, and finally said yes. But then in true Tinder fashion, immediately started a new conversation with someone else who also asked me on a date within the first half hour of talking. I said yes again.

I felt empowered because why the hell should I NOT be casually dating and seeing multiple people at once? I need the practice and I'm not meeting anyone organically anyways. Seemed like a good idea so I mustered up all my courage and went for it. Everyone I talked to encouraged me and thought it was a bold step forward for the ol' Chelsea-Chels.

Anyways, I'll skip the painfully awkward details of both dates and move ahead to now. I'm realizing I am terrible at this. I'm not cut out for it. I have 15 guys messaging me on Tinder asking me about burritos and I'm completely overwhelmed to the point where I kind of want to vomit. I am not meant to juggle a bunch of dudes or casually date several at once. It's just not who I am. So while my phone is sitting beside me buzzing non-stop with new matches and the 300th dude named Zach to send me a message, I feel like a giant idiot for whatever mess I've clearly gotten myself into.

I feel like Tinder (in Vegas at least, maybe everywhere) is almost like this whole community of dating rejects like myself who can't get their shit together. I don't want to date those people, so why would they want to date me? Sadly, fellow Tinderellas, we're probably in for another lonely year.

I had a pretty sad thought today yesterday while I was contemplating how guy from date #2 turned down my super fun (and cute, if I do-say-so-myself) offer to be my date to the UFC fight tomorrow night tonight. Side note: What kind of guy would turn down the chance to be my date at a UFC fight? Even if he ends up never wanting to see me again, I can't think of a more fun way to get to know someone better. I need a man who can appreciate hanging out in my comfort zone. Back to my thought: I'm just better at being single. I can't take the drama and stress and anxiety of the aftermath (you know, the did-he-or-didn't-he, will-he-or-won't-he call again situation). If this is the new wave of what it means to be "dating" then I'm not sure I'm going to survive it. I'm good at being single. I've been on my own for a really long time and quite honestly, I'm scared shitless. I'm scared of being alone, and I'm scared of letting my guard down long enough to find someone worthwhile. I'm trying my damnedest to put myself out there and be confident and cool and awesome and sexy and whatever the fuck else everyone wants me to be and it's just not working because it's not who I am. I'm not a product of the shallow Las Vegas lifestyle, I'm just a regular chick trying to make it in the world of 20-something lostness.

So while my head was spinning yesterday afternoon wondering if I've actually been rejected by guy #2 or if I'm just rejecting myself at this point, I decided that I can't give up on this new found boldness. Not yet. So henceforth, my new thought process will be to go on dates, have some crazy experiences, and not care what the outcome is, because at least I'll come away from it with a story to write about in my newly transformed blog: Single in Sin City. Ready for a ride? I hope I am too.

Love Yourself.

Today & every day.

Zuma Beach. February 2014.

I think today is the first Valentine's Day that I was completely unaware of. I mean, I knew today was Valentine's Day, but I wasn't surrounded by nauseatingly cute couples, flower deliveries, and the color pink. It felt like a regular old Friday, which made me start to think. I usually don't feel the greatest about myself on this day - mostly because I'm hyper-aware of the fact that of my 24 years of life, 22 of them have been spent Valentine-less. But instead of feeling down about it, this year I felt a sense of pride. I know I have my shit together. I've got a great job, I'm independent, and I've lost 11 pounds in 5 weeks. Right now, I'm feeling pretty good about where I'm at. All of those things added up made me feel a million miles away from the pity party that usually dances around in my head each February 14th. I love myself. Today, and every day. One day I know I'll have a silly Valentine to spend the rest of my V-day's with, and the years we're together will outnumber the 22 years I've spent alone. Having that to look forward to is something to be grateful for. And until that day arrives, I'll continue to evolve, work on bettering myself, and love with as much heart as I have.

Happy Valentine's Day to me.

Just a blip on my life's radar.

I originally was not planning on writing or sharing any of this because A) it's personal. B) I'm exposing my raw self to the public which is scary and weird. But my best friend, Cory recently suggested that it might be liberating, and I think she's right. So here goes.. I'm putting my weird, shitty dating life on display. CAUTION: It's not all fun and games up ahead. In fact, it's quite the opposite, courtesy of a girl who has recently been wronged, a la Taylor Swift. SIDE NOTE: My best friend is experiencing heartbreak from a different kind of shitty asshole, so I may be taking that into account as I'm writing this, too. I can't help it - we deserve better.

I've been struggling for a couple months now with a situation in which I didn't get the closure I needed, and it's had me over-analyzing, questioning, and doubting myself. Not cool.

See, I went on a date with this dude a couple months ago. I had an amazing time. We stayed out until 2:30am just talking and laughing. Everything seemed perfect, down to the hand holding, good night kiss, and the uttered phrase "I can't wait to see you again." (trust me, I making vomit noises in my head, too). We got along so well it was almost uncanny. I was basically floating on cloud 9, feeling so good for having gone on a great date and still being genuinely interested in this person afterwards, instead of feeling like now I need to move across the country so I never have to see them again. I had a feeling like maybe this could really be something. I got a GREAT feeling from him, and with the looming promise of a second date, why would I have any reason to NOT feel that way? I let my guard down for one second and let myself believe that maybe I had stumbled upon something awesome. A big deal for me. I can't describe how great I thought this date went and it seemed as though what I was thinking and feeling was being reciprocated by his words and actions, so I had every reason to believe we were on the same page here. HE made me feel that way.

However, a week later I realized this guy was blowing me off. He never called me, and he gave me the whole "I'm busy tonight but maybe next week" excuse I've used so many times on guys I actually had no interest in seeing again. Hell, I WROTE that line, so I recognized it immediately. Of course after that I never reached out and never heard from him again. A complete and utter blow-off that's led me to question pretty much everything, including my sanity.

How could I have read that date so wrong? How did I have such a good feeling about him if he was clearly not interested in me? Can I even trust my own intuition at this point? Did I say something wrong? Did I not look pretty enough? Did he think I was stupid? Was he just humoring me by keeping me out until 2:30am but was really just counting down the seconds until he could take me home and never see me again? Does he actually have a girlfriend and only took me out to make sure he still wanted to be with her? How could I have felt so comfortable & confident around him? What is wrong with me? Why is this person having this effect on me?

I finally let it go and tried to write it off as something I just need to be more aware of in the future - not letting myself get too excited, and probably being more guarded on future dates. I don't want to start questioning myself because of what someone else does or doesn't do. People go on dates all the time and then never see each other again. Unfortunately that's just the way it goes, and as much as I liked him, it wasn't meant to be. I can get behind that. No harm done.

Then the other night I finally got the closure I was looking for when I ran into him at a bar downtown. He doesn't even live anywhere near downtown Vegas, nor does he hang out there very often (which was one tidbit I picked up from our date). There's only like 5 local bars. He can't expect to start hanging out down there and NOT run into me, right? But nevertheless, he saw me and diverted eye contact at lightning speed as he walked right by. My heart started pounding through my chest because my feelings were pretty hurt that he couldn't even be bothered to look me in the eye after completely leading me on and then playing me like a fiddle. All my self-doubt instantly started resurfacing after this blatant and obvious lack of acknowledgment.

My friend Meredith suggested we change scenes so we headed to a different bar where I started feeling better. Now at least the running-into-him bandaid had been ripped off, so I brushed it off and carried on. That is, until he showed up at bar #2. I don't see or hear from him for 2 months and now (of course!) I can't get away from him. I can hear his raised voice talking with all the people he's with about "SHOTS!" ...and now he's standing back to back with me. Get this: we even touched elbows at one point, which is the exact moment I decided to leave. This dude knows I'm standing within elbow touching distance of him and he's STILL pretending like we've never met and I don't exist. Sorry but, that's just beyond insulting. Come on, man. What are you, a child?

So I decided to practice what I preach to my friends all the time when someone makes them feel like shit: SCREW. HIM. He never called me again because he's an asshole, plain and simple. There's no way I'm going to allow someone who doesn't even deserve to be in my life, the ability to make me doubt myself. Maybe his brain hasn't caught up with his age, and that's totally fine for whoever's problem he is now, but I have more respect for myself than to let some rando ruin me.

I'll probably run into him again, but he won't get an ounce of my energy. As far as I'm concerned, this dude is nothing more than a blip on my radar that ended up actually teaching me a lot about what it means to be a decent human being.

Guys? Stop. You don't realize the effect your actions have on other people. You think you don't have to care and that you can run around acting like people don't mean anything to you, treating them badly, blowing them off, or acting like they don't exist without a second thought. I'm not like that. I care about people. I care about hurting people, and I think I'm a genuinely good person who tries her hardest to not make people feel bad about themselves when they're around me. I'm a decent human being and I deserve to have other decent human beings in my life.

I'm not looking for someone to take me on a date and then disappear off the face of the earth. I might live in Las Vegas, but I'm a still a person with feelings. I'm not just here to hook up and then head back to my "real life." I'm looking for someone who's going to be real with me. Someone who's going to make sense of the countless, awful, ridiculously awkward dates I've been on. I'm not looking to get married or settle down - that's still years away for me. However, it would be nice to not feel like I'm continually investing my time in the wrong people.

No more.