I originally was not planning on writing or sharing any of this because A) it's personal. B) I'm exposing my raw self to the public which is scary and weird. But my best friend, Cory recently suggested that it might be liberating, and I think she's right. So here goes.. I'm putting my weird, shitty dating life on display. CAUTION: It's not all fun and games up ahead. In fact, it's quite the opposite, courtesy of a girl who has recently been wronged, a la Taylor Swift. SIDE NOTE: My best friend is experiencing heartbreak from a different kind of shitty asshole, so I may be taking that into account as I'm writing this, too. I can't help it - we deserve better.
I've been struggling for a couple months now with a situation in which I didn't get the closure I needed, and it's had me over-analyzing, questioning, and doubting myself. Not cool.
See, I went on a date with this dude a couple months ago. I had an amazing time. We stayed out until 2:30am just talking and laughing. Everything seemed perfect, down to the hand holding, good night kiss, and the uttered phrase "I can't wait to see you again." (trust me, I making vomit noises in my head, too). We got along so well it was almost uncanny. I was basically floating on cloud 9, feeling so good for having gone on a great date and still being genuinely interested in this person afterwards, instead of feeling like now I need to move across the country so I never have to see them again. I had a feeling like maybe this could really be something. I got a GREAT feeling from him, and with the looming promise of a second date, why would I have any reason to NOT feel that way? I let my guard down for one second and let myself believe that maybe I had stumbled upon something awesome. A big deal for me. I can't describe how great I thought this date went and it seemed as though what I was thinking and feeling was being reciprocated by his words and actions, so I had every reason to believe we were on the same page here. HE made me feel that way.
However, a week later I realized this guy was blowing me off. He never called me, and he gave me the whole "I'm busy tonight but maybe next week" excuse I've used so many times on guys I actually had no interest in seeing again. Hell, I WROTE that line, so I recognized it immediately. Of course after that I never reached out and never heard from him again. A complete and utter blow-off that's led me to question pretty much everything, including my sanity.
How could I have read that date so wrong? How did I have such a good feeling about him if he was clearly not interested in me? Can I even trust my own intuition at this point? Did I say something wrong? Did I not look pretty enough? Did he think I was stupid? Was he just humoring me by keeping me out until 2:30am but was really just counting down the seconds until he could take me home and never see me again? Does he actually have a girlfriend and only took me out to make sure he still wanted to be with her? How could I have felt so comfortable & confident around him? What is wrong with me? Why is this person having this effect on me?
I finally let it go and tried to write it off as something I just need to be more aware of in the future - not letting myself get too excited, and probably being more guarded on future dates. I don't want to start questioning myself because of what someone else does or doesn't do. People go on dates all the time and then never see each other again. Unfortunately that's just the way it goes, and as much as I liked him, it wasn't meant to be. I can get behind that. No harm done.
Then the other night I finally got the closure I was looking for when I ran into him at a bar downtown. He doesn't even live anywhere near downtown Vegas, nor does he hang out there very often (which was one tidbit I picked up from our date). There's only like 5 local bars. He can't expect to start hanging out down there and NOT run into me, right? But nevertheless, he saw me and diverted eye contact at lightning speed as he walked right by. My heart started pounding through my chest because my feelings were pretty hurt that he couldn't even be bothered to look me in the eye after completely leading me on and then playing me like a fiddle. All my self-doubt instantly started resurfacing after this blatant and obvious lack of acknowledgment.
My friend Meredith suggested we change scenes so we headed to a different bar where I started feeling better. Now at least the running-into-him bandaid had been ripped off, so I brushed it off and carried on. That is, until he showed up at bar #2. I don't see or hear from him for 2 months and now (of course!) I can't get away from him. I can hear his raised voice talking with all the people he's with about "SHOTS!" ...and now he's standing back to back with me. Get this: we even touched elbows at one point, which is the exact moment I decided to leave. This dude knows I'm standing within elbow touching distance of him and he's STILL pretending like we've never met and I don't exist. Sorry but, that's just beyond insulting. Come on, man. What are you, a child?
So I decided to practice what I preach to my friends all the time when someone makes them feel like shit: SCREW. HIM. He never called me again because he's an asshole, plain and simple. There's no way I'm going to allow someone who doesn't even deserve to be in my life, the ability to make me doubt myself. Maybe his brain hasn't caught up with his age, and that's totally fine for whoever's problem he is now, but I have more respect for myself than to let some rando ruin me.
I'll probably run into him again, but he won't get an ounce of my energy. As far as I'm concerned, this dude is nothing more than a blip on my radar that ended up actually teaching me a lot about what it means to be a decent human being.
Guys? Stop. You don't realize the effect your actions have on other people. You think you don't have to care and that you can run around acting like people don't mean anything to you, treating them badly, blowing them off, or acting like they don't exist without a second thought. I'm not like that. I care about people. I care about hurting people, and I think I'm a genuinely good person who tries her hardest to not make people feel bad about themselves when they're around me. I'm a decent human being and I deserve to have other decent human beings in my life.
I'm not looking for someone to take me on a date and then disappear off the face of the earth. I might live in Las Vegas, but I'm a still a person with feelings. I'm not just here to hook up and then head back to my "real life." I'm looking for someone who's going to be real with me. Someone who's going to make sense of the countless, awful, ridiculously awkward dates I've been on. I'm not looking to get married or settle down - that's still years away for me. However, it would be nice to not feel like I'm continually investing my time in the wrong people.
No more.
No comments:
Post a Comment