Tumblr, anyone?

I've been seeing a lot of people posting things off Tumblr lately and so tonight I decided to join it on a whim and see what it's all about. I don't really know how it works but I'm learning and figuring it out. So, if you have one... Follow me there? http://thechelseamarie.tumblr.com/ (my usual name was already taken...boo.) Maybe I'll like it as much as I like this one?

The other thing I discovered yesterday that I wanted to share is a site called "43 Things." You join and make a list of things you want to do or accomplish in your life and check them off as you go. I actually think it's a great idea to have one and make a list of all the things you want out of life because it's short, you know? Time to focus on what matters and get everything you want out of it while you have the time.

Brianna Swain: One Year.

Dear Brianna,

I miss you. It's hard to believe it has already been a year since I wrote you THIS letter. A whole year. I keep replaying those words and wondering where that time went because it still feels like yesterday when you left us. I still feel shocked, I still feel denial, and I'm still grieving.

Today as I was walking to my afternoon class I started to cry because this day, a whole year after your death, I felt the exact same as I felt on the day you left us. It was beautiful outside, the sun was shining so bright, the same exact way it shone a year ago. That kind of sunlight reminds me of YOU. And I could just feel you everywhere.

I miss you. I miss taking you for ice cream after school when we both had a bad day. I miss seeing you in the halls at school and hoping you needed a ride home so I could make sure you got there safe. I miss threatening to beat down anyone who wronged you. I miss jamming out to techno music in my car in the parking lot of Ponderosa, and reassuring you that everything was going to be OK when things were tough. I miss randomly getting myspace comments from you and secretly checking up on you (literally almost every day). I miss being the person you could go to for help because you knew no matter what it was, I would get you through it if you asked. I miss your beautiful, happy smile.

I hope you know that even the little things I miss had a huge impact in my life. You meant more to me than even I knew, and even a year after your death, I am still hoping you know all the things I wish I could tell you. There is not a single day that goes by that I don't wish like hell that so many things could be different. I don't want to accept that this is the way things are because I miss you so incredibly much.

I wish I had more than myspace comments to keep me going. But today it was put in perspective for me for the first time: that was just our relationship. Much more sisters than anything else, so at the time there was no need for yearbook signatures and pictures together. Of course now I hate that I don't have those things, but I understand why.

You are beautiful, Brianna. Inside and out. You were never scared to try new things or put yourself out there and I admired that so much. You had a special spark that touched so many people. We started out rough, but I am so lucky to have been able to have that special relationship with you. You changed my life forever and you didn't even know it. But I hope you do now.

I love you, Brianna. Keep shining down on us. I still need you in my life.

Back to School.

Well, school starts tomorrow.
Kind of excited to get back into the swing of things
but I always feel like there's a loooong year ahead of me at this point.
(I know, I know it goes by fast.)
And only 3 semesters left for me!
Going to make this year a great one.

Happy Birthday Taylor!

My bestie Taylor is turning 21 today!!

Lucky for me, I get to take him out for drinks tonight

and ring him in to the world of being legal.
(It'll be interesting since we're both new at this!)

Love him to death and I hope he has the best birthday ever!

Glendoooo

This weekend I went to Glendo, Wyoming with my besties Taylor and Erin! Taylor's family owns a house up there that's right on the lake so we spent the weekend boating, jet skiing, tubing and giggling. It was so much fun and a really nice last-weekend adventure before school starts (not including Taylor's 21st birthday coming up this Friday!!!!!!). On another note, my entire body is sore from tubing (totally worth it) and I actually got a little bit of sun so I now don't completely look like I hibernated in the Alps all summer. So here's a couple pictures...who knew you could have so much fun in Wyoming?! ;)

Can't Find the Big "I"

Inspiration, is the Big "I."

I go through these phases where I have tons to say and write about and I can't wait to update, and then I go through this, where I can't find a single meaningful thing in my mind to say. Nothing inspiring me to write or be creative, and it's frustrating. So, instead, for the sake of posting and getting some juices flowing here, I'm just going to list off a few things on my mind. Sound good? Maybe. We'll see.

1. For the last few days I have been trying to pack my room up. Our house hasn't sold or anything, but as soon as it does I probably won't have the time to go home and pack everything. So instead I've been doing it bit by bit, only keeping about 4 boxes of important memories, the rest will either come with me to my tiny Boulder apartment, or be sold in a garage sale that can't come soon enough. It's making me sad though, going through so much of my stuff that's been untouched for years. It's funny, I don't remember packing my room up at ALL when we left California. But now, I'm going through everything I own and realizing that I have tons of memories from my 9 years in this house and I'm really going to miss it. I really never thought I would ever believe Colorado to be my home, but I must say: it's grown on me over the years.

2. I'm going to Glendo, Wyoming this weekend with my friend Taylor and his family, and also with Erin and her family. I've never been but I guess it's a lake in WY so I'm excited to get some much needed sun and relaxation. The only downside is my dad is coming home this weekend and I won't be able to see him, which is a huge bummer.

3. KATIE IS COMING HOME FROM IRELAND ON SUNDAY NIGHT!!!!!! Needless to say I'm a little excited. I haven't seen her in 2 months and I've been missing her like freakin' crazy! Plus, it's the end of summer so we have to make up for some lost time and celebrate before things get crazy again. I can't believe how fast it went by, but I also feel like I haven't seen her in years!

4. I've been in the mood to paint and decorate lately. I have this jewelry box that looks like a dresser, it has 6 drawers and each one is labeled for what you put in it.. like earrings, necklaces, rings, etc. Anyways, it's very childish looking. But I am SO in the mood to just paint the entire thing white and then draw on it or something instead of getting rid of it. At least my creative juices are somewhat flowing (even though I'm basically the worst artist of all time....)

5. I'm thinking about changing my hair again. I just feel like I need a change, ya know? Big time in my life: just turned 21, my family is moving, I'm going to (kind of) be a senior in college... gotta go with it, right? Can't decide if I should go dark again or just touch up my highlights and then go dark in the fall, or maybe even cut it a little shorter? Not TOO short though (last time I did that I hated my life for a whole year until it grew back) just a couple inches off for a new-ish look. I don't know, I'm bad at making these decisions on my own. And don't even THINK about asking anyone for advice or opinions on it because all I ever get is half people saying dark, half saying blond or "whatever you want" or "I like both." Well, I don't KNOW what I want, I don't KNOW what looks good, and no you DON'T like both, you're just saying that so you don't have to help me. PSH.

6. I still haven't come up with any goals for myself. I guess I don't really feel like I have anything to work towards at the moment, so maybe just maintenance is best. It's really taking me forever to make decisions lately and it's driving me insane.

7. I wish I had unlimited money so I could just buy the things I want. I wouldn't even buy really expensive things, just the few things here and there that I want/need. Like right now, I want these shoes I've been looking at, I need some new uggs for winter (I know, I suck, ok? they're warm), I want my Tragus pierced, and to fill up my gas tank all the way. Is that too much to ask?!

8. I saw on the news tonight that some guy got fired from the Army for being gay. Now THIS is about to turn into a rant because I can't for the life of me, comprehend how in this incredible time of need, where our country needs people to be fighting for us and contributing and serving, that we would FIRE someone because of their sexual orientation. ARE YOU JOKING ME. Why in this god-forsaken world ANYONE would join up these days is beyond me. People in the military are treated like crap and it's so sad to see them devote their lives to serving this country, only to be treated like this. If Obama does not repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" soon, no part of me will ever understand why another human being would ever join up again. What does being gay have to do with ANYTHING????? Does being homosexual make you any less able to serve this country than a heterosexual? It's appalling and makes absolutely NO sense whatsoever. Highly annoyed by this nonsense.

Ok I'm done. Glad I got something down. Time to watch some mindless television and enjoy sleeping in this bed I've had since I was 3 for literally one of the last times.

Goals.

I got on the subject of goals with my mom this morning and it got me thinking a lot about what my next step is. With summer winding down and school around the corner, it looks like it's time to come up with some new ones.

When summer started my goal was to shed a few pounds, work out at the gym every single day, and feel and look good by the time I went to Vegas for my birthday. I actually impressed myself with how well I stuck to those goals, and I achieved every one of them. I felt great in Vegas, I'm happy with the way I look in pictures, I lost a few pounds, and I'm in pretty good shape. Not to toot my own horn, but that's a pretty big deal for me.

The only thing that's had me weary since I got home is, taking 5 days off for my trip kinda messed my routine up. Its harder to run on the treadmill and it doesn't feel like it's getting easier to get back into it. This morning I felt like a failure because I couldn't finish my 20 minute interval training that I had worked up to before I left.

So my mom said to me, "Once you reach your goal, you have to set a new one." And it clicked! I reached my goals for Vegas, so now it's time to make a new goal for myself. I haven't quite figured out what they are yet, but I feel more confident knowing that I didn't fail, I'm just not working towards the same thing anymore.

One thing I DO know I'll be doing is something I talked with my cousin Sara about. She suggested making a "Vision Board" for myself. It's something she does for herself; hangs it next to her bed so she can look at it every night before she goes to sleep and every morning when she wakes up. She puts magazine cut-outs and pictures on it to represent her "vision" of what her goals are and what she wants to achieve. I've already started working on mine because I'm a visual learner, and that is something that would be a perfect tool for me to focus with.

So here's to setting goals, achieving them, and making new ones.