Brianna Swain: One Year.

Dear Brianna,

I miss you. It's hard to believe it has already been a year since I wrote you THIS letter. A whole year. I keep replaying those words and wondering where that time went because it still feels like yesterday when you left us. I still feel shocked, I still feel denial, and I'm still grieving.

Today as I was walking to my afternoon class I started to cry because this day, a whole year after your death, I felt the exact same as I felt on the day you left us. It was beautiful outside, the sun was shining so bright, the same exact way it shone a year ago. That kind of sunlight reminds me of YOU. And I could just feel you everywhere.

I miss you. I miss taking you for ice cream after school when we both had a bad day. I miss seeing you in the halls at school and hoping you needed a ride home so I could make sure you got there safe. I miss threatening to beat down anyone who wronged you. I miss jamming out to techno music in my car in the parking lot of Ponderosa, and reassuring you that everything was going to be OK when things were tough. I miss randomly getting myspace comments from you and secretly checking up on you (literally almost every day). I miss being the person you could go to for help because you knew no matter what it was, I would get you through it if you asked. I miss your beautiful, happy smile.

I hope you know that even the little things I miss had a huge impact in my life. You meant more to me than even I knew, and even a year after your death, I am still hoping you know all the things I wish I could tell you. There is not a single day that goes by that I don't wish like hell that so many things could be different. I don't want to accept that this is the way things are because I miss you so incredibly much.

I wish I had more than myspace comments to keep me going. But today it was put in perspective for me for the first time: that was just our relationship. Much more sisters than anything else, so at the time there was no need for yearbook signatures and pictures together. Of course now I hate that I don't have those things, but I understand why.

You are beautiful, Brianna. Inside and out. You were never scared to try new things or put yourself out there and I admired that so much. You had a special spark that touched so many people. We started out rough, but I am so lucky to have been able to have that special relationship with you. You changed my life forever and you didn't even know it. But I hope you do now.

I love you, Brianna. Keep shining down on us. I still need you in my life.