Happiness. Independence. Boulder.

"Happiness is an attitude of mind, born of the simple determination 

to be happy under all outward circumstances."
J. Donald Walters 

Happiness: a state of well-being and contentment; joy.

Lately I feel really happy and content. I'm in a place where I'm feeling good about myself and independent and I like it. I'm not saying my life is perfect by any means but for the first time in a long time I feel content with where I'm at and it sure is like a breath of fresh air. There's definitely forces out there trying their damndest to bring me down, but I've decided to let go of any the toxic energy that tries to enter my life instead of giving into it. I'm gonna ride this summer high for as long as possible.

I've been keeping myself busy with school and running errands and practicing my piano (ok, I'm actually really excited about these lessons). I'm staying on top of everything I need to get done and keeping my intense focus from the summer going. I even attempted to rearrange my apartment last night. It was weird to me that I've changed so much, yet everything here has stayed the exact same as I left it. So I figured I better change my apartment around with me. It's just little things like changing out some pictures, hanging things in different places, nothing too intense, but it's definitely more representative of where I am NOW. No more old memories that don't even make me happy anymore staring me in the face.

 

There's something about Boulder that's really always made me happy. The whole atmosphere of this town is just indescribable. This is my favorite time of the year because it's warm enough to be outside for any length of time and walk around and just enjoy how beautiful it is, and it's right at the point where the season is begging to change from Summer to Fall. Oh god, I can't wait for Fall.

 

I was a little nervous about coming back to Boulder and having to face some of the not so happy things I left behind, but for the most part, I feel pretty good about where I'm at.

Anyways, I hope each of you are having a fantastic week. 

I'm thinking I should bring back my Friday Feature, 

what do you think? Maybe revamped a little?

Brianna Swain: Two Years

Dear Brianna,

It's really hard for me to sit here and title this post "two years" because it doesn't seem like it's been that long since you've been gone. Two whole years have gone by and there hasn't been one single day that I haven't thought about you and wished that I could see your face again. It's been two years of trying to cope with the fact that I won't see you in this life again and it hasn't really gotten any easier. If I let myself sit and think too long, it still brings tears to my eyes.

There are moments when I can feel your presence. There's certain songs I hear that I can't listen to anymore, but whenever they come on it's almost like a sign that you're there. Is that ridiculous? I like to take those little things as a sign because it makes me feel like even though you're gone, you're really all around.

Two years ago on this day I had a really hard time processing the information I was being given. I couldn't react in an appropriate way because I didn't believe it was real. I had no idea when I woke up that morning that August 25th, 2009 would turn out to be one of the worst days of my life and would effect everything I did and every thought I had for the rest of my life.

In the very last weekend I spent in Parker, right before I went to Vegas, when I knew it would be the last weekend I spent in that town, I drove by your old house where I used to pick you up every morning before school. I sat there in the car staring at your house and just cried. I felt like if I left Parker, I was abandoning your memory. But I've realized I'll never be able to leave you behind because you mean too much to me. You're always going to have a huge place in my heart, no matter where I am in the world.

I had no idea that knowing you would have had such a big impact on my life. I'm still bitter and sad at the fact that I have not a single picture or a yearbook signing or any sort of tangible thing from our relationship. Instead, I have these fragments of random memories with you that are pretty much the only thing I have to hold onto. Like remember when you asked me if I was going to get rid of all my homecoming and prom dresses after I graduated high school because you wanted to "take them off my hands?" Something small like that still makes me feel like I was like an older sister to you, and it makes me smile.

I had a dream once that I've only ever shared with one person but I guess I'm going to share it now. I dreamt that your mother gave me 20 bucks and asked me to keep an eye on you. I swore with everything I had that I would not let anything happen to you, but it did anyways. No matter how attentive I was to you, you still slipped right through my fingers. It was a little more dark and depressing than that, but you get the point. I kept wondering why on earth I was dreaming that your mom would pay me to watch you, but then I realized that it was totally a metaphor for our relationship. I felt responsible for you because you were under my wing. I tried so hard to protect you, but in the end it just wasn't enough. When I told this dream to my mom through dramatic sobs, she suggested that maybe it was your way of communicating to me that everything was ok. That it wasn't mine - or anyone elses fault. That you're ok and I'm ok. And from then on, every time you're in my dreams I take it as your way of communicating with me. And I like it when you visit my dreams.

I can't even put into words how much I'd give anything to have another hug or one more face to face conversation or one last car ride home from school together. I kept my myspace after all these years just so I can log on once in a while and look at your pictures and old comments you've left me. It makes me sad, but it's the closest thing I have to you. I can't listen to Coldplay without thinking of you - even though I have no idea if you even LIKED them.

I'm suddenly out of words. All I feel like I can do at the moment is sit and think about you and the beautiful impact you had on everyone you knew.

Saying I miss you is never going to be enough. But I do miss you. More than anything.

Back into the swing.

I must say, it's been a weird transition back into student mode the past couple days. I got so used to working from 9-6 everyday that going back to doing actual work for only 2-3 hours a day is finding me slightly bored to say the least. I'm really excited about the classes I'm taking this semester, but once I get home I just don't know what to do with myself! And that usually results in falling asleep on my couch, and then not being able to sleep at night. It's a vicious cycle, really. I'm sure things will pick up once the semester starts going, but at the moment I'm feeling restless. I guess I should enjoy the downtime while I have it, right?

My Summer.

I finally made my way back to Boulder after having the most incredible summer of my life. I honestly can't remember a summer in all my 22 years where I learned this much, changed this much, met as many wonderful people, and experienced some of the greatest moments of my life.

I don't even know where to begin on my crazy adventures so I'm just going to dive right in and see where this takes me.

For those of you who don't know, or who missed a step, I got an internship this summer in Las Vegas at the Ultimate Fighting Championship with the Public Relations department and I've never felt happier or luckier! It was an incredible opportunity for me and so much fun.

When I first got to Vegas, I was a nervous wreck (not surprising). I had just left everything I knew behind and moved into a one bedroom apartment with my dad where we were patiently waiting for the rest of the family to join us in a new house. I was about to start a full time internship that I basically knew nothing about and I had to force myself to suck up all my nerves and take a risk. After a couple days of being there, my nerves eventually settled (save for those panicked moments I always get) and I started to feel like I fit right in with the team. I was lucky enough to be able to travel twice this summer with the PR team and met some really great people along the way.

3 weeks into my internship, I was joined by Chelsea Sullivan (aka DEUCES) which turned out to be the most amazing thing to happen to me all summer. This girl brought me back to life. All summer we got closer every day to the point where we were taking bathroom breaks together because we couldn't be apart for 3 minutes. Ok, that might be a bit of an exaggeration but you get the point. We were joined at the hip for 9+ hours a day, every day. They even stuck us in an office together where we spent our days talking and listening to music, sometimes crying, and figuring out our lives with each others support and advice. *Don't worry, we still got all our work - and then some done. ;)



We were lucky enough to get to work 5 or 6 events together this summer and we even got to travel to Pittsburgh together for UFC Live on Versus 4. We were an unstoppable duo -we complimented each other and balanced each other out. Chelsea is my soulmate and it only took 22 years and some fate to bring us together in Vegas at the UFC.







Then there was the rest of the amazing PR team. I don't think I could have asked for a more supportive and hardworking group of people. Each one of them taught me something new and challenged me to be better each day. These people became like a family you could count on in and out of the office, day in and day out. They had my back and it made me feel so lucky to be there.

I gained incredible experience and learned so much from this team. I met amazing people and loved every second of my internship at UFC.

Aside from the work aspect of the summer, my entire family just moved to Vegas. We finally sold our house in Colorado after a year of being on the market, and made the move official. At first it was really hard - there was 3 of us with another on the way, plus 3 animals living in a one bedroom apartment while we looked for a house. When my brother got out of school and joined us in Vegas I decided to move in with my sister for a while. It was the perfect opportunity for us to build up our relationship and get to know each other better. We had our differences at times but overall I feel like living with my sister was a once in a lifetime opportunity and I'm so glad that I did. I love Ashley very much and I'm so happy that the whole family is in one place again.





Well, kind of in one place. I'm back in Colorado and Connor's going back to Seattle soon. But it will be so much nicer to all have that central place again. I love living near my family because they are so special to me (and I'm the biggest homebody you've ever met). They've given me everything I have and are the people I know I can always rely on through thick and thin. I'm already missing my parents, brother and sister VERY much. It's going to be hard to settle in by myself!









And speaking of family, my GOD-family also lives in Vegas - sister's Courtney and Lindsey that I've known since the day I was born. My internship kept me so busy this summer, but half of my best memories from my 3 1/2 months in Vegas include these girls. Every time I needed a break (or a stiff cocktail...or an all male revue...what?) I could count on them. They're the girls in my life who always have been there and always will be there. I love them so much and was so grateful to have them close to me this summer.

As far as myself goes, I did a lot of changing this summer for the better. When I first left Colorado I was in such a weird place. I had zero self confidence, not very many good people in my life, I felt like no one needed me, and I was kind of just hiding in a shell of myself. It sucked. I didn't really process all of this until I moved to Vegas and had the chance to leave all of that behind and start over. I didn't know anyone or anything so I had nothing to lose. I used each day as an opportunity to learn more about myself and grow as a person and by the end of the summer I felt like a completely new Chelsea. But of course I can't take full credit for this - I had a lot of help from Chelsea Deuces and Mama Heidi who encouraged me to be confident in myself and to show people what I'm made of (which turns out to be more than I've ever given myself credit for).

I'm different now because I respect myself more. This summer has taught me to stop being passive aggressive and to have enough confidence in myself to know when something is not right. The balance between meeting new people and seeing old people's true colors (not "old people" but old people in my life - you get the point) showed me that I deserve to be surrounded by people who lift me up and don't bring me down. I deserve to have good friends and be happy and it's taken me a while to realize that. Coming back from this summer I am in such a different place than when I left and it feels great! There's no reason for me to hide anymore and I want to keep reminding myself of this every day.

Anyways, that's my summer experience in a nutshell. There's not enough hours in the day for me to count the ways it's been good to me. It's been the best summer of my life and I won't be forgetting all of the people I met and lessons I learned. Thank you for all of your support and to all of you who sent me letters and postcards and words of encouragement, I appreciate you more than you know. Now that my internship is over, I'll be back to blogging regularly and hopefully having a bunch of new and exciting experiences in my LAST semester of college (which starts tomorrow!!)

I hope each of your summers were as wonderful as mine :)

Last Days.

It's so weird to me that this summer is over. I fly back to Colorado tomorrow night and start my final semester of college on Monday. It's crazy how fast everything moves.

More changes are up straight ahead. I hate change. But I'm constantly changing. And I can tell you that I have changed as a person this summer. I'm different. In a much better way.

I'm going to miss so much about this summer. My family, new found friends, co-workers, my internship, the heat. I'll keep this short because I have so much to say, but I've loved every second of this summer. It's been the most incredible learning experience of my life and I'm so lucky to have had the opportunity to learn from the best and grow as a person.

Last day is tomorrow, and then I'm on a plane back to school. Bittersweet endings and beginnings in my immediate future.

350.

350 posts, dear friends!

This mile marker is dedicated to my soulmates.
Thank you for making this summer the most amazing time of my life.
You three have brought out the very best in me.
I love you.

[Cory Elizabeth Welsh]

[Sister Lindsey]

[Chelsea Deuces]

BRB!

Going to Milwaukee!
BRB!



P.S. This is my last official event of the summer...
A week from tomorrow I'll be back in Boulder!
[And back to blogging.]