Tuesday Top Ten

Today's top ten list is brought to you by the ending of the first month of the year. 

So, as I kiss this month's ass goodbye I bring you, 

The Top Ten Things I Learned in January, 2012.

10. Extended winter break's are not as fun when you're not in school.
Whenever you're in school you think, "wow, winter break really flew by!" or "gosh, I would do anything for just one more week!" But when you don't have school to go back to, that "extra week" is not so much fun. And neither is the week after that. Or the week after that. Or the week after that.

9. Being unemployed is a full-time job.
Seriously though, it's not. But it kind of is. I've learned that when you're on the job hunt, you get a little obsessive over the search. For instance, I pretty much sit on the computer all day everyday waiting and hoping that new jobs in my field will be posted any second. And when a new one pops up, well you can just imagine the excitement (and let's just not even try to compare it to anything that is actually exciting). I'm trying to stay off the computer but then I just feel like the deadbeat I currently am.

8. It is possible to not be allergic to anything and still break out in hives.
It is also possible to be so stressed out while unemployed and having virtually no responsibilities that you break out in hives. Be warned people, this is a disease.

7. Gotye rocks my world.
So technically I was introduced to him over Thanksgiving break, but his stuff really started resonating with me at the beginning of the year. I became addicted and started finding this nerdy geek of a person with crooked teeth, sexy. And aside from "Somebody That I Used To Know" that's quickly become an internet phenomenon, his other stuff is fantastic as well. This one (creepy, horrifying video aside) is my favorite.




6. Country bars are actually kind of fun.
I know. Me, the girl that pretty much doesn't listen to any country music and doesn't have an ounce of hick in her was dragged to a country bar last weekend. And ya know what? I actually had fun. I didn't realize that every song ever made has a dance associated with it and that people go to these bars to have fun dancing with someone without trying to sweat balls and get low all night until you can't walk the next day. I was impressed. And moreover, I would willingly go back! I must be evolving.

 

5. Spending time with my god-sister rocks my world.
I am loving living closer to Lindsey because it means frequent Menchies dates, happy hours, country bar experiences, and lots of quality time. It. has. been. awesome. Plus, it guarantees me a date for Valentine's day and trust me when I say there is no one on the planet I would rather spend the worst holiday ever invented with.




4. The heart, does in fact, have an emotional cap.
This one was one lesson I had been waiting to learn for probably years but didn't actually learn it until this month. There is only so much one heart can handle until it just shuts down for a while. And that's ok, and I'm ok with it. I'm at peace with the fact that mine is capped off for a while. And it's a good thing. My expectations of people in general have been immensely lowered which has made room for some pleasant surprises.


3. Never mix vodka and tequila.
We'll just leave it at that. I thought it was common sense, but then again sometimes your sense of common sense is desensitized and, well, you can imagine the rest.



2. A trip to Disneyland can cure just about anything you're going through.
It really can, though. I was not in such a good place before that trip and it knocked my ass right back into shape. Amazingly I woke up the next morning feeling like a brand new person in a whole new world and ever since have felt much better about life in general. Disneyland: Cheaper than therapy. And more fun.

1. I want to move back to LA someday.
I've really always known this, but my recent trip just reminded me that someday I will make it back there. I think I belong in California and this whole 10+ years in Colorado, Kansas, and Las Vegas will soon just be a bump in my journey back to where I was meant to be. I'm going to work hard to get back there someday (even if it's not right now), and I don't think I'll feel like looking back when I get there.

Welcoming Chelsea

It's love.

Lord knows I've talked your ear off about how much I love this girl. There was that one time when I introduced her to you, that one time when she was the biggest and best part about my summer, and that one time I was thankful for her (but really that's every day). And not to mention all the other times I've mentioned how amazing she is at being my friend and always encouraging me to love myself. Bottom line (in case you haven't gotten the point by now), she changed my life when the cosmos brought us together this summer at UFC. I honestly would be in a much different place today had I not had her by my side for the last 8 months.


And I am one PROUD girl right now because Chelsea decided to follow me into the blogosphere and start her very own daily outlet, Chelsea in Print. What I love most about her is her complete honesty in everything she says. It's inspiring for someone who may or may not need a little work in the passive aggressive department.



Anyways, if you love reading about her on my blog, you might love reading about me sometimes on hers because we just love each other that much. No really, we do. We can't even pretend fight without laughing. Although we are pretty hardcore if I do say so myself.

La La Land.

My weekend in LA was pretty magical if I do say so myself. It was definitely a trip for the books because not only did I get to spend some much needed time with my person, I feel like I got some intense clarity that I have been lacking in my life for quite some time. There comes a point where you keep continually seeing things through a certain lens and miss everything outside of it. Sometimes it's good to take a step outside and look at things from a different angle. It makes you look at life in a different way - even if it's only for a passing moment. But even if it doesn't last long, it gives you a sense of rejuvenation, refreshment, and above all, clarity.

The intense talks, laughter, story sharing, tears, and complete respect and non-judgement we have for each other is exactly what I needed at this time in my life. Someone who points out and reminds me that I'm awesome and have nothing to fear. Someone who I trust completely with every ounce of my being to protect me and advise me when I'm getting in too deep and remind me that good people exist. Sometimes I sadly forget these things and Cory reminds me by showing me.

Cory's big 3 - Bayan, Jill, Chelsea.

I finally got to meet the people she surrounds herself with on a daily basis, and it truly opened my eyes to something I haven't experienced in years. Kind, loving, accepting, people who immediately took me in as one of their own and made me feel loved. It was really something special. And knowing that that kind of friendship exists is something I'm grateful I got to experience.









With regards to the events of the weekend itself, when I got into town I went straight to her work and immediately had some fantastic celebrity sightings (Kate Walsh is freaking BEYOND gorgeous in person), had a couple drinks with her mom (aka my second mom), and then we went to see WICKED! Which we actually didn't see. But we went and tried to get our name in this raffle for super cheap tickets in awesome seats. And even though we didn't win (and therefore didn't want to pay the regular price since we both had already previously seen it), we still had a fabulous time frolicking around Hollywood in desperate search of a drug store for advil - which we never did find. But even so, it was a wonderful, spontaneous night that ended up kind of just going wherever the wind took us.










And yes, I really did lay down on Hollywood Blvd. I guess that makes me super disgusting. And to answer your burning questions, NO I did not lay in someone elses puke, blood, shit, or contract herpes or any other form of diseases. Sorry to disappoint, but get over it and stop being so jelly for goodness sake :)

Friday, we went to Disneyland - or as I like to call it, happy therapy time. I seriously did not have one negative thought that day, except maybe when I got motion sick after going on Star Tours (of all the rides...really?) which was lame. But I didn't even care because I was just so damn happy to be there that nothing in the world could have brought me down.




Saturday I went down to Newbury Park and spent some time with my family, which was great. It's another time when I felt clarity. Driving to meet them felt so natural and homey. Sometimes I really have this intense feeling that I've always been destined to move back to California someday. I just know in my heart that it's always the place I feel the most at home and happy, which I've never 100% felt anywhere else I've lived. That night we went out to a bar called "Happy Endings" (perfect, really), danced, met some really fun people, and spent all day on Sunday in bed recovering. It was perfection.

I was sad to leave on Monday, but I got up at the ass crack of dawn (literally, 5am when the sun was still hours away from rising) and drove back to Las Vegas in the pouring rain. I watched the sun attempt to peak its way through the clouds while I sipped an iced coffee and listened to a Chelsea-Cory playlist and soaked in how free I felt. I couldn't have asked for anything more.

I'm feeling refreshed, positive, and optimistic for where my future is going to take me and I have Cory, her amazing friends, LA, and DISNEYLAND to thank for this new found clarity.

Disneyland.

I took a little spontaneous trip to California this weekend to see my best friend. I just felt like I needed her and since Vegas is close and I now have the ability to quickly drive there, it was totally worth it. And luckily she had almost the entire weekend off work so we got to have some serious fun. One word: Disneyland. Adding a second word: BESTFRIENDFOREVERANDEVER. You think your best friend is amazing? I've come up with this simple formula to help you understand why MY best friend is ACTUALLY the best:

Your amazing best friend x 100 + 17 years = Cory Welsh. 

Bottom line, I could never love or appreciate another human being more. I'm so glad that after 10 years of distance, we have the ability to see each other more than twice a year. Fina-friggen-lly. And only 3 more weeks till I see her again! Woot! Lucky girl right here.

Anyways! We went to Disneyland on Friday. I haven't been in almost 4 years and the last time I went was with her, so in true best friend fashion we got up super early and spent the entire day there. It was exactly what I needed. Many rides were rode, too much gross food was eaten, motion sickness reared it's evil face, and the laughter was non stop. It truly is the happiest place on earth and it was a perfect day.

Happiest place on the freakin earth!

Thunder Mountain

Paradise Pier

Stay tuned to see how the rest of the weekend went :)

Quote of the week.

Sometimes you just need some inspiration to keep going. And sometimes that inspiration makes you want to get up off your ass and change. Stop worrying about everything that's wrong and just continue moving forward as best you can. Or, as this smart lady puts it, inspiration that makes you want to pull yourself together. 

I'm driving to California on Thursday to see my best friend. I can think of nothing else in the world that would help me pull myself together more than putting on some lipstick and pouring a drink with her. And we're going to Disneyland of course (much needed). It's going to be a weekend filled with exactly what I need: strength.

Destructive Internet Browsing Behavior

[I don't know what else to do when I get upset or happy or excited or pissed or any other wild emotion I may have, except to write about it. And it's personal and these are my feelings and I share them on here because I'm real and I have a desire to express myself just like everyone else in some form or another. I know I don't have to justify my writing to the probably 3 people who read this, least of all to myself, but I always feel like I have to start with a justification as soon as I feel something heavy coming on. It's dumb, but it's how it goes and you've been warned. I'm heavy hearted and I'm down in the dumps and I really, really, really want to pull myself out as quickly as possible before I spend the next 5 years of my life pining after something that will never be.]

So imagine that you've just made a really hard, life-changing decision to leave behind some things from your past and make an honest effort to move forward by physically moving yourself to a new location. And you did this because you didn't feel like you had much of a choice. At this new location you don't have a job yet, don't know many people, are kind of homesick and still are relying on said things from your past to help you on occasion or just be there when you need or want to refer back. It's comforting to know it's there because it's always been there. You feel comfortable turning to it, and try as you might, you always find yourself going back to it because you have loved it more than anything in the world up to this point in your life. You never gave up on it, but you wonder what the role of your absence will be.

You then find out that after so many years this comfort is no longer available to you. And you find out online. And it's not the first time either. But you realize that by physically moving yourself, you have created the "out of sight, out of mind" situation in which you are in fact, no longer seen and no longer thought about. Do you crumple like you have in the past? Do you feel hurt and cry? Do you feel ashamed of how reliant you have been and how you have let it get so far out of your control that when it stops you feel like your entire world has just crashed, rendering you helpless and speechless? The answer is...yes. You probably do. Because you have actual feelings and a heart and you once had an intense, unshakable hope that the future would bring you something more than the present state of uncertainty.

But all in an instant, every hope you had is shattered before your eyes. All the nightmares you've had are actually taking shape. And that feeling in the pit of your stomach? It is in fact vomit which will inevitably lead to more tears and eventually a headache that will last for days.

You call some friends but quickly learn that they don't know what to say any more than you do. You're frantically searching for any tiny shred of a silver lining and all you can come up with is "my fault, my fault, my fault." You start taking deep breaths and chanting "goose fraba" to calm yourself down but images that would kill you if they could start flooding your mind. You can't decide what to say or do, if anything.

So you choose silence. And you vow to leave it that way, because this is not the past anymore and in the past you would have made your feelings passive-aggressively known. You choose silence because there's nothing left to say. You finally realize after all these years, you have lost. There's your closure. You lose. Game over.

You spend the rest of the evening trying to distract yourself for fear that if your mind wanders back to it for even one second you will break down. You go to dinner and force it down. You watch tv. Clean your room. Write. And you know that this will be the last night you will waste crying over the past. Because you will rebuild and you will thrive. You know that anyone who mistreats you is a damn fool and you refuse to feel this way forever. You know you will be ok because of your ability to feel. You know the road ahead will be uphill in the snow both ways in the dark without a flashlight, but you also know that you have been there before and you can climb your way out of it again.

You will not be defined by destructive internet browsing. You will not waste another night of your life on this because when you wake up in the morning, you will no longer pay it one ounce of attention. You are worth more and you will have more and you will not settle for the first thing that makes you feel comfortable again. You know that you will be ok and you will do it on your own.

Top 10 List: Best Memories.

For the first 2 weeks after I got back to Vegas I was really busy with all the excitement of the holidays and moving in, but now that it's all died down and the silence is setting in I'm realizing how much of a joke my life currently is. I don't have a job yet so I spend my days on my computer looking for potential jobs even though nothing sounds even remotely related to me, just found out I'm not allowed to work out until I get an MRI because my back has most likely been BROKEN for 6 YEARS, and all my friends out here actually have lives. So while I'm in this state of boring nothingness spending my days in front of a computer screen and taking knitting classes with my mom (yes, this is what it's come to), I've been looking through old pictures of happier times to remind myself that at one point I was actually enjoying myself and that I am capable of living young and wild and free.

So today, completely out of sheer boredom, I give you my top 10 best memories ever. Because living in the past is more fun than sitting on my ass and not getting out of my pajamas all day.

10. Junior Homecoming

Homecoming 2006

This was probably my favorite high school dance because I asked my best friend, Taylor to go with me on a whim and we had the best time ever. We didn't have a care in the world and just had so much fun getting all dressed up (even though the hair lady fucked up my bangs) and dancing the night away to Ignition Remix and Grind With Me (bahaha). We probably had the most fun out of anyone in our group because we couldn't stop laughing the whole night. It makes me smile just thinking about it.





9. Senior Prom

Best Prom date ever.

Another dance where I got to go with my best friend. This time, Mr. JD Raab. I will never forget this night because he took all my cares away and just made me feel so special. We had such a great time together and I'll never forget it. I couldn't imagine finishing out high school any other way. He was the best prom date ever :)








8. Jayrock

Thriller.

The annual friendly talent competition between all the different sports at KU. Swimming & Diving dressed up as zombies and learned all the moves to "Thriller" and we rocked the shit out of that stage. Without being biased, we WERE the best...and we didn't win because we were totally robbed! It was so unfair. But we got 2nd place, even though we knew in our heart of hearts that we were #1. Always and forever, ladies.






7. Junior Prom

Aleck, Jill, Tara's date (?), Tara, Ryan, Me, Carlos, Brett.

Best. Prom. Ever. And it was my first, so it was extra special. I got a HUGE migraine on the way home from the dance - like about to puke, bad. So when we got back to Jill's house to change for after-prom, I took some advil and chugged a mountain dew which made my headache go away, but also made me SUPER hyper. I bounced back from that headache and was bouncing off the walls. A giggly Chelsea is a great Chelsea and the rest of the night was just outrageous amounts of fun with zero sleeping until the next day.



6. Protesting the Westboro Baptist Church

Judge not that ye be not judged.

This hateful group of hating haters showed up to protest in Boulder and so of course I had to go. And it's one of my all time favorite memories because it was SUCH an adrenaline rush to be surrounded by tons of people in Boulder who all showed up to stand for the same thing: love. You would not believe the number of counter-protesters that showed up. And for one day, it didn't matter what your political affiliation was, your sexual orientation, what group you identified with...we were all unified for human rights and respect for all people. It was thrilling and gave me so much hope. God I miss Boulder.










5. Winning the NCAA National Championship

Rushing the field house.

My freshman year at KU the Jayhawks took the national title in overtime of the most exciting basketball game I've ever seen in my life. And afterwards, every single person in the town of Lawrence, students, families, teachers, everyone rushed down to Mass Street and celebrated for the next week straight. It was such an exciting time and I will never forget being a part of it. I can't even describe how exciting that night was.






4. My Cousin Sara's Wedding

Bride and her cousins.

My first time ever in New York spent in the Hampton's on the beach for my cousin's wedding to her soulmate. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever witnessed. We spent her last night as a single lady at the "Awesome 80's Prom" in NYC which was a FABULOUS bachelorete party and then celebrated her wedding day with friends and family. And I might have fallen in love with one of her husband's brothers that weekend. Who knows.












3. Disneyland

Happiest place on earth.

This is one of my favorite memories of all time. We woke up at the ass crack of dawn to get there right when it opened, and we ran around the entire day riding every ride twice and singing all the classic Disney songs while we stood in line. I felt like a kid again at the happiest place on earth. It was seriously one of the best days of my entire life.







2. Tyler Laurin

T-Jingle and C-Jingle.

Better known by me as T-Jingle. That nickname spawn from one of our many summer nights spent laying on the driveway laughing about nothing at all. I miss him so much. He's one of the best friends I've ever known and we always have so much fun together, mainly because he makes me laugh more than anyone on the planet. Oh, and we REALLY like rolling around on the floor singing Incubus songs to each other. Some of my best memories are with this guy.





1. 21st Birthday

Tequila!

Probably the best weekend I've ever had to date. 4 straight days and nights of partying with my closest friends and family in Las Vegas. We each drank several hundred margaritas and got dressed up and went clubbing every night. It was outrageous and wild but it was the best birthday I've ever had. I could relive this one every day for the rest of my life and never get tired of it.

So there you have it, 10 of my best and favorite memories :)

The annual January 2nd Meltdown.

Here we go again. Like clockwork every. single. year. on January 2nd I have, in some form or another, a giant melt down. Usually it sounds something like "what am I doing with my life?!" and ends with me crying hysterically for a couple hours before I pull myself together and realize the next morning how stupid that was.

This one time when I was a junior in high school, my friend Katie witnessed this annual meltdown at swim practice. I could not for the life of me do this one god-forsaken dive. There was so much pressure on me to win league championships which were in like a month and I just could not do this dive and if I didn't do it, I would lose and be the laughing stock of...myself. So I had this big emotional meltdown at practice while I sobbed into the pool gutter - literally drowning in my sorrows. It was pathetic, people. And now when I think about that day, I laugh because it was so utterly ridiculous. But in that moment, I was taking a specific aspect of my life and blowing it up to be the end all-be all of my existence and THAT is why I had a melt down. And as it turns out, I did win leagues, made 1st team all conference, and had an undefeated season which makes it just that much more ridiculous.

The point of that story is that it's January 2nd and clearly time for my yearly meltdown. I didn't really recognize it when it started happening. I was on my way to Target and I started getting this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach which I immediately recognized as anxiety - but why? NOTHING happened to me today to give me anxiety or grief about ANYTHING. So I parked my car and thought, "Ok, why am I having an anxiety attack?" Boom. Answer? It's January 2nd,  that's why.

I think this happens because right after New Years I start picking apart my life and thinking about where I am and where I thought I would be, what I hope to accomplish in the next year, what I've accomplished in the past year and it freaks me out. I put really high (and sometimes unrealistic) expectations on myself at all times and it has the ability to cause me to freak the hell out. I know I only graduated 3 weeks ago, but I feel like a deadbeat right now. I have no job yet, I'm sitting on my ass at home all day gaining a million pounds, my brother left this morning to go back to school which I no longer have the option of doing, and my roommates (parentals) are already driving me insane, yet every time I leave the house to get away from it there's no purpose to where I'm going.

So it's time to get off my ass and make the necessary changes. It's weird how sometimes the meltdown inspires me to get going - maybe that's it's purpose? Who knows.

I realized that last year I dedicated an entire post to my new years resolutions and didn't really give them that much attention the year. One measly paragraph in a post about the entire year in review? I don't think so. So here is my legitimate list, because I've recently decided (this afternoon) that I have way more that need to be cited.

• Find a job I like. And not be too discouraged if I don't get the one I really, really, really really, want.
• Stop unnecessarily panicking.
• Use the time I'm unemployed to do things that are worthwhile. Like writing. Or going for a run (napping is no longer one of these things).
• STOP DRINKING DR. PEPPER. Seriously, I'm stopping. 
• Be more spontaneous and exciting.
• Make more of an effort to spend time with certain people.
• Get into a consistent writing pattern.
• Open up my mind and heart to new possibilities that I've been closed off to for a long time.

I found this quote saved on my desktop this morning. I have no idea where it came from or who wrote it, but I'm taking it as a sign. This year will be just as great as 2011, because I'm going to make it great.

"Be fearless. If you make one resolution this year, let it be to live boldly. You control this moment. Rather than cautiously test the water, dive straight into life with freeing abandon. Imagine the person you want to be and the life you want to live and simply commit to them. Believe in yourself. Embrace your beauty. Discover a new person. Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't be afraid to make a splash."