Going to Paso Robles, BRB!

February and March were both slow months for blogging.
I won't lie, lately I don't have much to say, but I plan on changing that
as soon as I get back from this weekend's wine tasting bachelorette party for Courtney!

Wine tasting + God sisters + road trip = best way to send March out the door and welcome the month of April.

Happy end of the month!

Brother + Spring Break + Jayhawks

Tips for having a great week:

1. Recognize spring break as a holiday, even if you don't technically have one anymore, by spending quality time with your brother that you haven't seen since Christmas.

2. Listen to this song on repeat with said brother.




3. Finish reading the Hunger Games right before the movie comes out so you can eagerly anticipate waking up early to see it with that same brother. And love every second of it.

4. Watch KU barely win again vs. North Carolina State, almost have a heart attack during the last minute of the game, but blast "Still D.R.E." when they snatch the defeat as you wave the wheat all over the living room. #elite8

5. Watch KU win AGAIN vs. UNC for a well deserved spot in the Final Four that makes you wish so badly you were back in Lawrence.

[Rock Chalk Jayhawk!]

If not now, when?

It's the kind of day I've been waiting for for a while now. It's cold outside and really windy - cloudy but just teasing a rainstorm. The kind of day that makes you want to stay inside all day and stare out the window in silence, taking in the atmosphere and thinking about all those pressing thoughts you've put in the back of your mind until such a day comes around and forces them to the front. Today is that day, and as I stare out my back window listening to "Don't Panic" while the wind blows the trees against the fence and those first tiny raindrops make ripples in the pool, I'm content.

But I've also been feeling really unsettled lately. Restless, wandering, eager, nostalgic, and homesick for something I'm not sure exists. I feel this pressure to know what I'm doing and where I'm going and I have zero idea. I'm only 22 years old and I don't know what I want to do or be for the rest of my life. And I don't want to have it all planned out for me yet. I want to have experiences and I've been freed from all things holding me back from having that, so isn't now the perfect time to start pursuing it? I want to travel and meet people and do things I've never done. I want to learn about the world and be inspired instead of naive.

It's important to me to start taking chances and allowing myself to try and fail instead of being afraid, have experiences that might make me really uncomfortable in the moment but that I will look back on in 20 years and be glad about. My eyes are wide open to the world and I have this need to grab it and embrace it and TRY. I've been avoiding doing this for so long while I held onto things that weren't even there, but now the entire world is literally at my fingertips, waiting for me to just take the plunge...

Tuesday Top Ten.

Today's Tuesday Top Ten List is brought to you by my recent trip to California. Trying to think of something creative to write while simultaneously wanting to just post a thousand pictures is somewhat of a challenge, so today I'll combine the two with my top ten best moments of my trip.

10. A windy day in Santa Monica
I hadn't been to the beach in WAY too long, and when we decided to render this it was not an ideal beach day. It was cold and extremely windy - I'm talking never-change-out-of-your-clothes-and-still-somehow-get-sand-blown-in-your-ass windy. But I didn't care a single bit because I was bundled up with my bestie enjoying the view of the pier to my left and the ocean to my front while listening to John Mayer's "Clarity." Nothing could have been more perfect.



9. Viva La Vida
Finding this wall in LA was for sure a highlight of my trip. It was like a moment of fate that it just happened to appear in my life at the right minute and I kid you not I almost hugged it. Maybe I did...who knows. The point is, Coldplay is a significant ever-present being in my life that pops up when I need to be reminded of something. And this very night, me and Cory had a conversation about just living our lives and not caring what anyone thinks of you or your body or what you like. Just throw all that meaningless shit out the window and LIVE YOUR LIFE. It was perfect.

8. The view at Malibu Canyon
I've always loved the drive up Pacific Coast Highway, but there is nothing in the world like driving it at sunset. We pulled over on the side of the road into a little park where kids were playing soccer and enjoying the fresh ocean air just to have a few minutes with the beautiful coast in which we have loved so dearly for so many years.

7. Spending the day with Blake.
I think it's pretty awesome that he extended his layover on his way home from Australia just to spend the day with me. We went to Santa Monica pier and listened to some crazy man sing ridiculous songs and rode the Ferris Wheel like true tourists. It was pretty much a perfect day.

6. Paradise Cove
Two words: Private Beach. Adding a third: BYOB. Yes. A private beach where you can bring alcohol. There is nothing better than sitting on a peaceful beach with minimal people around drinking a Bud Light Lime and staring at the beautiful Channel Islands. I was in heaven.

5. Venice Beach
Cory and I walked down Venice beach and decided to go into one of the many hundreds of t-shirt shops where we met this guy who designs and silk screens his own shirts in-house. We were basically in love and tried on a million shirts before settling on a couple that were very "us." And the guy took a silly photo shoot of us in our new tops for a slideshow he has playing in the store of happy customers. It sounds creepier than it actually was and we had a lot of fun hamming it up for the camera like we tend to do.

 


4. Golden Gate Bridge
Of all my years living in California I had never managed to make it up north until just now when my sister moved to San Jose. So to take advantage of it, we paid a little visit to the Golden Gate Bridge. It was actually really cool - definitely something to see in your life. That, and the distant island of Alcatraz was a really cool spectacle. Check that one off the bucket list.






3. Driving up the Coast
We spent the night in Santa Barbra before I made the drive up to San Jose and I thought it was going to be miserable after a night of college-style partying and waking up at 5am (no joke) to make the drive. But honestly, it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. This picture is a shitty phone pic, and doesn't do it any kind of justice but the sunrise in my rear view mirror mixed with the pacific ocean and moon still in the sky was unreal. I have GOT TO move back there one day.







2. Finding my zen at Venice
I may have a herniated disc in my back that hurts like hell on the regular, but I'm happy to know I still got some diving skillz left in me. Granted, I can't hold an arm stand as long as I used to but I'd say this is pretty good for being retired. This moment encapsulates how I feel about embracing life and being free. Life is too short to not do a handstand on the beach at every given opportunity.














1. My Happy Place
I think this pretty much says everything about how I feel about Southern California, the beach, Santa Monica, my recent trip up the coast, and this extended period of "funemployment." Capturing these moments of pure bliss is what I live for.

Sister-Sister.

Ahh, it feels good to be back! This unemployed girl has really been making the most of her time off by jet-setting off to California at every given opportunity - and don't worry, I'll be back there again in a couple of weeks for wine-tasting in Paso Robles! This past week I drove from Vegas to LA, pit-stopped in Newbury Park and Santa Barbra, and made my way up the coast to San Jose and San Francisco where I met my sister with her car in her brand new home.

Ashley's Roller Disco Going Away Party

The time has finally come to say goodbye to her, and it's beginning to sink in. 24 hours ago we were lost in the middle of San Francisco in an attempt to drive me to the airport - frantic and screaming at each other and then laughing hysterically at how ridiculous we both are. These crazy moments are actually one of the things I will miss the most about living with Ashley, mostly because they make for the best stories of us. When I was a kid, our age difference always seemed to get in the way of our relationship, and then the 10 year Colorado gap made it almost impossible for us to be close. But when Ashley moved to Vegas last year, and I got my internship at UFC it was like the stars aligned for us and we finally got the chance to build an adult relationship. It wasn't always easy and we had to learn how to live together. We had our fair share of fights and arguments, but we learned a lot about each other and built up a trust like only sister's have. I will never be able to express enough how much the time we were given to live near each other has meant to me. We've finally been given the chance to get close and I'm so grateful for it. And even though we won't be living together again for a while, I know we will continue to stay close, even if that means working a little bit harder at it.

Our last hoo-rah at the Golden Gate Bridge

I'm really proud of Ashley for the steps she's taking in her life. I've always looked up to her because she has the kind of independence and courage I aspire to have. It's awesome watching her grow as a person through taking chances and carving her own path. I'm already missing her so much, but I can't wait to see what this next chapter brings her way. I know that San Jose is going to treat her well, and I can't wait to visit her again - hopefully sans our directionally challenged NorCal issues.

I love you, Ash and I'm so proud of you.

The injury.

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. You see, about six years ago I had an accident while I was diving. It was so long ago I can't even remember the details of it, and I've had so many accidents over the years, they all just kind of blur together now. All I know is that one day at practice I hit the water the wrong way and started having severe back pain. I went and got x-rays that indeterminately may or may not have showed a stress fracture in my spine. We got a few different opinions, upped my chiropractic care, and decided that whatever it was I could swallow some advil and push through the pain. So I did. For the next six years.

And six years later, I'm still pushing through it. Sometimes it's fine, and other times it's so bad that I can barely walk - physically cannot bend my knees because it hurts so damn bad. But like a trained athlete, I've learned to push through it no matter how bad it gets. Back in September I had a really bad flare up and I literally cried myself to sleep one night because I couldn't handle how bad it was hurting. So I found a new chiropractor (who kind of turned out to be a crazy person), got more x-rays that again didn't really show much of anything (oh, except "Spina Bifida" - a disease that you're born with that I don't actually have, but again, insert crazy chiropractor lady), and just kept dealing with it until it started feeling better again.

When I moved to Vegas I started seeing a chiropractor immediately because the 15 hour drive across the Rockies caused yet another flare up, but this time she said something to me that was kind of like hitting a nail on the head. She was surprised that I had been dealing with this for so long and hadn't figured out what it was. She was concerned because no doctor has ever suggested an MRI to get a closer image of my spine, and everyone has been dismissing this severe pain I've been having as "chronic back pain." And lately I've been feeling like maybe nothing is wrong and it's all in my head and I'm just some crazy person.

Well, she sent me in for that MRI yesterday and demanded the results within 24 hours. Turns out I'm not a crazy person. I have a bulging disc and a herniated disc in my spine. The good news is that the bulging disc hasn't ruptured, and the herniated disc isn't causing nerve damage yet. The bad news? I can get some cortisone shots in my back or take pain killers for the time being but at some point I'm probably going to have to have surgery.

It was a very frustrating day because when I told my mom her first instinct was to absolutely say NO to surgery. And don't get me wrong, I don't want to have back surgery, but I also don't have all the facts yet. All I know is that I don't need surgery right this second. And each time I explain what's happening to someone their first question is, "do you have to have surgery?" To be honest, I'm relieved that it's something and not nothing, but I'm also really scared because it does get so severe sometimes that I can't walk, and what happens if the herniated disc starts causing nerve damage? Of course I would like to avoid surgery, but my dad brings up the point that this is lowering my quality of life when I can't do things like walk or stand for long amounts of time or exercise or drive in a car for a long distance. And who wants to get junked out on pain killers? Not this girl.

I've been thinking about diving so much today. I miss it sometimes because it was a huge part of my life for 13 years. But I wonder what would have happened if I didn't retire when I did. It's a really dangerous sport and I've hit just about every body part you can imagine on the diving board, had my fair share of bruises from smacking the water, and I've definitely cried into a pool gutter more times than I care to admit to. But it was a unique relationship and it was mine. And now I'm just feeling a little bit sad. It's hard to explain. It's complicated, like most relationships are.

I'm glad I know what's wrong with me now and relieved to know it's not all in my head, but trying hard to wrap my brain around what I've actually been dealing with for so long and what it could potentially mean for my future.