Hump day pep talk.

Let me just start by saying this has not been my week. And usually during a bad week Wednesday is the day I start thinking "this is bullshit" and start attempting to turn my luck around. So far this hasn't really been working out, but that's why I'm here giving myself the hump day pep talk.

Lately it seems like to say "I'm having a bad day" is an understatement, because pretty much every day is a bad day. Ok, that's not exactly realistic or what I mean to say. But really I spend every day bored, looking for jobs, feeling exhausted for no reason, and kind of all around pathetic. So when something actually happens to make it more of a bad day than those feelings in which I just described, it's really unfortunate and makes me feel like I'm probably going to dramatically give up on everything and just cry myself into that inevitable afternoon nap (also an exaggeration - try to keep up).

The more I think about it, 4.5 months into 2012 and it really hasn't been my year yet. I came into it with a lot of hope for making it just as great as 2011 was and so far it's been one giant let down after the next. There was that one thing I passive aggressively wrote about that debilitated me for a bit, a few pointless job interviews, lots of getting my excited hopes up and feeling let down, the discovery of a bulging and herniated disc in my spine rendering me incapable of even the simplest activities, a devastating loss at the national championship for my Jayhawks, and recently a heartbreaking situation in which I pretty much just lost everything I've been working towards (not exaggerating this one). Oh and last night I was this close to getting in a car wreck that would absolutely have totaled my car thanks to someone driving at night without headlights on. Oh and today I found out I've already used up 16 of my 20 yearly insured chiropractic visits thanks to said back issues and now have to pay out of pocket just to be able to maintain my current state of discomfort (God help me if I have another flare up in the near future).

A lot of the things that have been getting me down are so far out of my control that there is literally nothing in the world I can do to change any of it. I'm honestly doing the best I can just to get from day to day and it's really exhausting to constantly feel let down and not good enough to have the things you want. I'm trying so hard to not feel helpless and whiny but dear god, I can't help but feeling like when the hell is it going to be my turn? But back to the main point of this paragraph: there is very little I can control in my life at the moment. But here are some things I know about myself:

1. I am a good person. I don't step on other people to get ahead or back-stab people. I don't act one way to someone's face and another way behind their back. I don't throw people under the bus to make myself look better. I genuinely care about other people and often times put others before myself, even if that means falling behind a little to help them.
2. I am not a manipulative person. I don't trick people into getting what I want. I'm honest and I do things in an honest way. I'm genuine and there's a reason I usually get along with the majority of people I meet.
3. I'm a passionate person. I get super wrapped up and emotional about things like politics and music, but I also apply that same passion towards work and personal relationships. If I care about something, I don't half ass it - I give it everything I have.
4. I am good at writing and speaking. I am not good at math and science (biggest understatement of the year). I like to hand-write directions and thank you notes and letters and lists. I'm very detail-oriented and like to quadruple check spelling and grammar millions of times before sending or publishing anything. This blog post will probably be read by me at least 8 times before anyone else sees it. I write like I speak. If I don't know how something is spelled or hyphenated or what something means, I look it up before I use it and look stupid. I am a perfectionist when it comes to writing (though I know I'm not perfect and there's probably errors in this still) and someday writing and communicating is going to further my career.

These are the things I can control. I cannot control what other people think of me, or how they choose to treat me, I can only control how I treat them and how I respond. And I choose to continue being a good and genuine person because I know that one day it will catch up with me and I'll be glad I didn't compromise myself to get ahead. I cannot control the outcome of certain situations, but I can control how much effort I put into them. And I can't control the shitty work of someone else, but I can control the fact that it will no longer be cleaned up by me.

The only thing I can do is keep looking ahead. Focus on the things I can control and try my best to not let the negative bullshit that keeps raining on me weigh me down too much. I may feel like I'm down on luck and nothing is going the way I wish/want it to, but I know that it can't and won't stay this way forever.

I just have to keep pushing through and look forward to the positive things I have going on in my life like seeing Coldplay with my brother in exactly ONE WEEK. See, Chels? Everything's not lost.