death.

Its going to be a very hard year for my family. My grandpa passed away on January 5th, and my great Aunt Marie is headed that way right now too. It's going to be especially hard on my Grandma. I cant imagine losing a husband and a sister in the same year.

I don't know how to handle it emotionally other than to stick with my family and support them no matter what it takes. I just don't like being so far away. It's not like I can hop a plane and fly out to be with my family. It costs a lot of money and I'm in the middle of school. Of course it's never convenient for someone to pass, but how are people supposed to deal with all of this? There isn't a "right way" and there never will be.

I admire my friend Jill so much because she has been through about 4 deaths in the last 3 years, and that is a LOT. She is the only person who can make me feel better and calmer and at peace with the fact that people pass and it's going to be hard no matter who it is. No matter what your relationship to that person, how well you knew them, how close you were, it doesnt matter. It's going to be hard, and it's going to sting.

I know that death is a part of life, but I wish it wasn't. Not only do I feel the loss of people who have just passed, or who are about to pass, but I feel the loss of people who passed almost 20 years ago. It's sad and scary and heartbreaking, and its even more heartbreaking watching how your family deals with it. My mother breaks down randomly all the time, for instance.

I wish it could be easier, but it cant. And thats all. Death is what it is, and we can only hope that the people we love are waiting for us on the other side.

ramble.

Its been a rough spring break. Fights with friends, taking the next steps in figuring out what comes next in life, let downs, tears, fights with siblings, fights with moms, and deep conversations about death, religion, and anything else that comes to mind.

Its been rough because all of these things bring up so much emotion. Its hard to not break down and cry when you are faced with so much at once. I cant imagine what its going to be like when I get back to Kansas. I know its going to be filled with happiness and tears. It will be very bittersweet, I can already tell.

I havent made a final decision but as of now I think I am leaning. towards colorado. Its hard to admit that because it brings up so much emotion and controversy and its going to be hard to come out and say. Nothing is final because I havent been accepted yet, I dont have a place to live, and I have to figure out how to enroll if and when I get accepted.

I wish things were easier. I wish the economy was better so I didnt have to stress about money, and not just me, everyone. I wish I knew how to be happy. I wish I could embrace change and not fear it. I wish alot of things were different but in the end I know that I am still in the learning process called life. I am no where near the point where I can say I know my decisions are correct, and frankly, I am still in the process of finding myself and where I should be. I really need to be grateful for all I have and have been given but at this point it seems like I'll njever get there. I just hope it comes soon so I can appreciate life and all its beauties.

Anyways, I feel like all I've been doing lately is rambling. About everything and nothing. I guess its fitting since my thoughts about everything are all over the place, but I wish I was certain about something. ANYTHING. Give me something to talk about. Write about. Sing about. anything?

boulder.

i went and saw the campus at boulder today. it was really really awesome. the more and more i think about it the more i can see myself there. it was so nice to look around and meet with some advisors and see what the deal is and i really think its something i could do.

now its just making the decision thats the hard part...

i want to make sure i make the right decision so i think i am going to talk to my therapist again about it. he always makes me feel like im worth a million bucks. he really helps me so much, i wish i could carry him in my pocket at all times!

in a way, i kind of miss boulder already. i was only there for the day but i really didnt want to leave. i feel like theres so much more i could see and do and stuff but there just isnt enough time. and since everyone that goes there is still in school this week, it was hard to get someone to show me around but for what i saw, it looked great.

i know it would be a huge change and it would be really difficult to start over again and re-adjust but i think i could do it. i would be close to home, family, friends, familiarity, everything. and i always want to have ties to colorado, whether my family is here or not.

i havent made any final decisions, i still have alot to think about, but whatever happens, i will be sure it is the right one for me. wish me luck?

homeward bound.

I have not been very good about this whole blogging this, have i?

im at the airport, about to pass out because im so tired. i could literally go to sleep for about 5 more hours right now.

anyways, im at the airport because im checking out for spring break. Im leaving behind the stress and going home for a nice relaxing 10 days to spend with my friends and family doing nothing and everything at the same time. its. going. to. rock.

i dont have much to say, i just felt the need to write something since i havent in a while. i dont have much going on, nothing dramatic has happened...or it has i just prefer not to write about it on here since i never know who knows how to get ahold of my blog.

im done with my application to boulder and now im just waiting to hear back and then i can make my decision. im not leaning one way or the other. i go back and forth in my head so much. i need to stop thinking about it for a couple days, see the campus and THEN start worrying again. its what i do.

anyways, maybe i should try to write on here more. im not gonna lie, its probably not gonna happen alot while im at home, but ill try. and when i get back i should try to also get in the swing of writing regularly. sound good? ok good.

homeward bound now.
goodbye blogger-sphere. for now.

break-up season.

It seems like this time of year is considered break-up season. I just always notice that good relationships begin to fall apart around this time. Its happened to everyone, and not just this year. It's happened to me too, and it always seems like its THIS TIME.

so...why? why do relationships start to fall apart? I mean, isnt it kind of ironic how spring brings us so much life and beauty and warmth and yadda yadda...how are we supposed to even enjoy that when there is all this heart break going on around us?

it may not even directly affect you, but im sure we ALL know some couple that are "finito" right now. its like from the beginning of the year to about the end of april just SUCKS. its just pure suckiness.

I look at the beginning of the year as a really hopeful time. a time to start over, a time to make changes, stuff like that, but what do we REALLY have to look forward to? i mean, unless you have a relationship, valentines day sucks a fat cock, and then what? BREAK UP SEASON. until summer break its nothing but school and heartache. i really hate it. i think the fall brings so much more hope than spring.

but then how come the asshole relationships that shouldnt even exist dont break up? cause the spring is fill of shit thats why. straight up, brown shit sitting on a fan, waiting to be turned on and fly all over our faces. THATS an image for ya.

happy break up season everyone. even if you dont have someone to break up with, like me, your still gonna feel the effects of it.

happy?

why cant i just be happy??
why is this decision wearing me down?
arent i supposed to be enjoying my last few years of little responsibility?
why do i have to grow up?
why am i faced with such hard decisions?
why cant people act the way i want them to?
why do people influence me so much that i cant even MAKE decisions for MYSELF?
what am i doing with my life?
what am i SUPPOSED to do with my life?
what if i make a decision, and hate myself for it?
what if i fall flat on my face and kick myself in the ass later for making the wrong choice?
how will i know when im happy?
who is going to support my decisions?
will i make the right one?
will i regret going/never going?
am i going to have regrets at the end of my life?
when will i have this all figured out?

someone help.