Love Yourself.

Today & every day.

Zuma Beach. February 2014.

I think today is the first Valentine's Day that I was completely unaware of. I mean, I knew today was Valentine's Day, but I wasn't surrounded by nauseatingly cute couples, flower deliveries, and the color pink. It felt like a regular old Friday, which made me start to think. I usually don't feel the greatest about myself on this day - mostly because I'm hyper-aware of the fact that of my 24 years of life, 22 of them have been spent Valentine-less. But instead of feeling down about it, this year I felt a sense of pride. I know I have my shit together. I've got a great job, I'm independent, and I've lost 11 pounds in 5 weeks. Right now, I'm feeling pretty good about where I'm at. All of those things added up made me feel a million miles away from the pity party that usually dances around in my head each February 14th. I love myself. Today, and every day. One day I know I'll have a silly Valentine to spend the rest of my V-day's with, and the years we're together will outnumber the 22 years I've spent alone. Having that to look forward to is something to be grateful for. And until that day arrives, I'll continue to evolve, work on bettering myself, and love with as much heart as I have.

Happy Valentine's Day to me.

Just a blip on my life's radar.

I originally was not planning on writing or sharing any of this because A) it's personal. B) I'm exposing my raw self to the public which is scary and weird. But my best friend, Cory recently suggested that it might be liberating, and I think she's right. So here goes.. I'm putting my weird, shitty dating life on display. CAUTION: It's not all fun and games up ahead. In fact, it's quite the opposite, courtesy of a girl who has recently been wronged, a la Taylor Swift. SIDE NOTE: My best friend is experiencing heartbreak from a different kind of shitty asshole, so I may be taking that into account as I'm writing this, too. I can't help it - we deserve better.

I've been struggling for a couple months now with a situation in which I didn't get the closure I needed, and it's had me over-analyzing, questioning, and doubting myself. Not cool.

See, I went on a date with this dude a couple months ago. I had an amazing time. We stayed out until 2:30am just talking and laughing. Everything seemed perfect, down to the hand holding, good night kiss, and the uttered phrase "I can't wait to see you again." (trust me, I making vomit noises in my head, too). We got along so well it was almost uncanny. I was basically floating on cloud 9, feeling so good for having gone on a great date and still being genuinely interested in this person afterwards, instead of feeling like now I need to move across the country so I never have to see them again. I had a feeling like maybe this could really be something. I got a GREAT feeling from him, and with the looming promise of a second date, why would I have any reason to NOT feel that way? I let my guard down for one second and let myself believe that maybe I had stumbled upon something awesome. A big deal for me. I can't describe how great I thought this date went and it seemed as though what I was thinking and feeling was being reciprocated by his words and actions, so I had every reason to believe we were on the same page here. HE made me feel that way.

However, a week later I realized this guy was blowing me off. He never called me, and he gave me the whole "I'm busy tonight but maybe next week" excuse I've used so many times on guys I actually had no interest in seeing again. Hell, I WROTE that line, so I recognized it immediately. Of course after that I never reached out and never heard from him again. A complete and utter blow-off that's led me to question pretty much everything, including my sanity.

How could I have read that date so wrong? How did I have such a good feeling about him if he was clearly not interested in me? Can I even trust my own intuition at this point? Did I say something wrong? Did I not look pretty enough? Did he think I was stupid? Was he just humoring me by keeping me out until 2:30am but was really just counting down the seconds until he could take me home and never see me again? Does he actually have a girlfriend and only took me out to make sure he still wanted to be with her? How could I have felt so comfortable & confident around him? What is wrong with me? Why is this person having this effect on me?

I finally let it go and tried to write it off as something I just need to be more aware of in the future - not letting myself get too excited, and probably being more guarded on future dates. I don't want to start questioning myself because of what someone else does or doesn't do. People go on dates all the time and then never see each other again. Unfortunately that's just the way it goes, and as much as I liked him, it wasn't meant to be. I can get behind that. No harm done.

Then the other night I finally got the closure I was looking for when I ran into him at a bar downtown. He doesn't even live anywhere near downtown Vegas, nor does he hang out there very often (which was one tidbit I picked up from our date). There's only like 5 local bars. He can't expect to start hanging out down there and NOT run into me, right? But nevertheless, he saw me and diverted eye contact at lightning speed as he walked right by. My heart started pounding through my chest because my feelings were pretty hurt that he couldn't even be bothered to look me in the eye after completely leading me on and then playing me like a fiddle. All my self-doubt instantly started resurfacing after this blatant and obvious lack of acknowledgment.

My friend Meredith suggested we change scenes so we headed to a different bar where I started feeling better. Now at least the running-into-him bandaid had been ripped off, so I brushed it off and carried on. That is, until he showed up at bar #2. I don't see or hear from him for 2 months and now (of course!) I can't get away from him. I can hear his raised voice talking with all the people he's with about "SHOTS!" ...and now he's standing back to back with me. Get this: we even touched elbows at one point, which is the exact moment I decided to leave. This dude knows I'm standing within elbow touching distance of him and he's STILL pretending like we've never met and I don't exist. Sorry but, that's just beyond insulting. Come on, man. What are you, a child?

So I decided to practice what I preach to my friends all the time when someone makes them feel like shit: SCREW. HIM. He never called me again because he's an asshole, plain and simple. There's no way I'm going to allow someone who doesn't even deserve to be in my life, the ability to make me doubt myself. Maybe his brain hasn't caught up with his age, and that's totally fine for whoever's problem he is now, but I have more respect for myself than to let some rando ruin me.

I'll probably run into him again, but he won't get an ounce of my energy. As far as I'm concerned, this dude is nothing more than a blip on my radar that ended up actually teaching me a lot about what it means to be a decent human being.

Guys? Stop. You don't realize the effect your actions have on other people. You think you don't have to care and that you can run around acting like people don't mean anything to you, treating them badly, blowing them off, or acting like they don't exist without a second thought. I'm not like that. I care about people. I care about hurting people, and I think I'm a genuinely good person who tries her hardest to not make people feel bad about themselves when they're around me. I'm a decent human being and I deserve to have other decent human beings in my life.

I'm not looking for someone to take me on a date and then disappear off the face of the earth. I might live in Las Vegas, but I'm a still a person with feelings. I'm not just here to hook up and then head back to my "real life." I'm looking for someone who's going to be real with me. Someone who's going to make sense of the countless, awful, ridiculously awkward dates I've been on. I'm not looking to get married or settle down - that's still years away for me. However, it would be nice to not feel like I'm continually investing my time in the wrong people.

No more.

Resolutions.

Every year I read tweets and Facebook posts from people complaining about other people making New Year's Resolutions. "No one ever sticks to them, so what's the point?" they say. "Why is the end of the year special, shouldn't every day be a chance to start over?" they say. And it always kind of offends me because I really do view each new year as a fresh start. Why do people get so annoyed when someone has the best intentions to make positive changes in their life? 

Let me tell you why I like New Year's Resolutions: I measure my life in years. I look back on the last 24 years of my life and can pull out the big defining moments in years. The big moments we experience become small blips in our lives, and the years that pass become the solidified string of memories we have left when we're old and grey. So why wouldn't we take the end of the year to reflect on the past chunk of moments and consider how we want the next string of memories to look? 

Also, I'm pretty good at keeping the resolutions I set for myself because I have an overall direction in mind for my life, and as I look back and watch myself change over the years, I like to pinpoint what it will take over the next year in order to ultimately get myself there. Just think about it in those terms for a minute.

I had 2 sets of 2013 resolutions. Let's see how I did:

• Stop being so awkward all the time and instead, work on being more assertive and taking more initiative. I think I'll always be slightly awkward, but I've definitely been more assertive and taken more initiative, which helped me get a promotion at work and travel to Ireland in 2013.
• Keep in touch better with Lindsey at least 2x a month (and spend next NYE with her!) We totally did. Both.
• Go visit Sara and Drew in New York. I totally did.
• Discover a new level of respect for myself by learning to say "no." Yep. Sometimes I just want to sit in my apartment, and guess what? I allow myself to do it.
• Learn to recognize negativity in my life early on and get rid of it. Done and done. Over and over. Continuing on into 2014.

And the second set was actually an exercise my boss had us do on NYE last year. The first box is what you want to leave behind from that year. The second box is what you want to take with you into the new year, and the last box is what you want to create for yourself in the coming year. At the end of the night you rip up the card and use it as confetti to welcome the new year.

What I wanted to leave behind from 2012 was the giant cloud of negativity that had been following me around surrounding my back injury, my car accident, my ex-boyfriend, and the multitude of hardships that challenged me (which I put all behind me and never looked back). What I wanted to take with me was the strength I had summoned by going through all of those experiences (which I definitely did). And what I wanted to create? An independent life for myself (which I did when I moved out of my parents house and started my real adult life).

So you see? Resolutions can work, if YOU work to make them happen. My resolutions this year are getting a little intense, so I had to make a massive spreadsheet (yeah, I'm getting nerdy about this, and yeah, it's actually 2 spreadsheets). But, it's gonna help keep me accountable for the coming year. Everything from weight loss and fitness goals, to shows I want to see, to travel adventures, to dating. I've got it all laid out.

• Fitness: Gym 5 times a week - my sister is getting married in October and as her Maid of Honor, I refuse to look anything less than hot in those pictures, even if it kills me (which it might)
• Travel: One international trip, Seattle, NYC, LA, San Jose, Reno, and any other opportunities that might come my way
• Concerts: 10 shows in 2014 (so far I have 2 big ones lined up: HAIM & Empire of the Sun)
• Personal: Start dating again. I'm ready for it. I'm getting back out there. And you? Yeah, your time is up. It's my turn now.

2013 wasn't the best year I've ever had, but it was FAR from the worst. It was solid. I grew, I changed, I expanded my horizons, and I challenged myself. I know 2014 is going to be just as challenging, but equally as rewarding if I keep heading in the right direction. There's so much to look forward to, and I'm ready to tackle it head on. 

I read a quote today that said, "It's not 'can you?' It's, 'WILL you?'" And I will. Let's do it.

2013 in Best Memories.

Looking back on a year is always bittersweet. You realize what moments defined your year, good or bad, and you see how much you've changed. It's interesting how these moments in time make up the years, and all the years make up a lifetime of memories. That's why I like looking back on the best moments of this small moment in time. I'm building my lifetime of memories with each passing year. So without further ado, here are my top 10 best moments from 2013 that I'm saving into my memory vault and taking with me forever.

10. Jack White

My roommate Leah was dying to get a cat when we moved in together. It had only been like, 2 months so I was a little reluctant for fear that if being roommates somehow didn't work out this might complicate things. But as soon as we went to meet the little guy I knew he was ours (technically he's Leah's but not-so-technically he's ours). He's been a complete joy in our lives - so well behaved and the cuddliest thing you've ever met. He's also huge, but that just kinda makes me love him more. Wanna know why we named him Jack White? He's got a little random white stripe on his back. Get it? My idea.

9. Anderson Silva get's KO'd

Yes, this was absolutely one of my favorite moments from 2013 because I got to see it live. It was totally historical. Anderson Silva, the Middleweight champion of the UFC with the longest title defense streak in history, gets knocked out by Chris Weidman. But not only that, he was acting cocky and taunting Weidman throughout the whole fight until it came back to bite him in the ass. It was historic. So much adrenaline was pumping through my veins that night. And although their recent rematch sadly ended in Silva breaking his leg in a serious injury and not at all in the way anyone would have liked to see it go, I'll always remember their first fight and how exciting it was to be there in person.

8. iHeart Radio

My mom passed up the opportunity to go with my dad to the iHeart Radio Music Festival (who does that?!) so he took me as his date for the first night, and it was incredible. I got to see so many big names and some of my favorite artists of all time in one sitting. Fun, Muse (for the second time this year), Keith Urban, Elton John (for the second time), Katy Perry, Queen featuring Adam Lambert.. just to name a few. It was epic. One of the greatest and most fun nights of the entire year. So hoping I get to go again next year.

7. Seattle

This year, my annual trip to Seattle was for Connor's big 21st birthday which I had been looking forward to for many moons. But it was made extra special because one of my lifelong best friends, Katie was spending the summer in Washington and was able to join us for the festivities. I haven't seen her in way too long, so it was just the perfect storm to catch up with her and partake in our usual shenanigans. Oh, Katie. You were most definitely a highlight of my year.

6. Surprise 24th birthday party

For my 24th birthday, Leah threw me my first-ever surprise shindig at our place with our good friend (and AMAZING chef) Justin who made gourmet burritos for everyone (my favorite food) before we headed downtown for a golf-style pub crawl. I even got up and sang at a piano bar. It was just one of the most thoughtful things anyone has ever done for me, and I'm still sentimental about it 6 months later.

5. Moving in with Leah

The stars really aligned for me and Leah this year. We found the perfect apartment in the perfect location, and the timing could not have been better. So far it's been the best roommate experience either of us have ever had, and I feel so lucky. I love our place, our cat, our first Christmas tree, our balcony overlooking Downtown Las Vegas, and especially our friendship. Moving in together was definitely the best decision we could have made for our budding lives out here in Sin City.

4. Meeting Annie

My cousin Sara and her husband Drew had a baby in August! It's the first baby to come into our family since Sara's brother Chad, 14 years ago, so it was a pretty big deal. Unfortunately they live in New York City, so we didn't get to meet the little nugget right away, which we were all aching for. Lucky for me, I had the opportunity to fly to NYC for a weekend on my way to DC for a business trip. It worked out perfectly and I got to spend some quality time with my niece-cousin in her second month of life. It was so special. I can't wait to watch this beautiful baby grow up.

3. Mumford & Sons

This show was a MUST for me in 2013. Unfortunately/not-so-unfortunately their closest tour stop to me was in San Bernardino, CA so as a double whammy, I got to drive to LA and stay with Cory for a couple days before she joined me at the show. When they first announced their tour, I had to sign up to even be invited to purchase tickets. So when I got the email that I was invited, I think I probably peed myself? It was one of those shows that tops the list of the most life-changing shows I've ever seen, made even better with my best friend by my side.

2. Life is Beautiful

Speaking of best shows ever...I went to my first music festival in 2013, Life Is Beautiful. Can you imagine seeing Janelle Monae, Childish Gambino, Capital Cities, Pretty Lights, Dawes, Imagine Dragons, The Killers, and Empire of the Sun right in your back yard? Because I did, and it was literally one of the best weekends of my entire life. I'm still struggling to put into words just how epic this festival was, and I'm counting down the seconds until LIB 2014. It's me and Cory's new annual tradition.

1. Ireland

In 2013, I went to Ireland. I finally made it out of the US and took a trip overseas. It was an enormous milestone for me both personally and professionally. Not only did I get to take my first trip abroad, I got to represent my company internationally which is a pretty big deal. This trip really sparked my budding passion for travel, and gave me the itch to see more of the world. I loved every moment spent on the Emerald Isle, and I'm making it my mission to get back to Dublin one day.

Overall, 2013 was a solid year. Music, travel, new family members, and friendship. That's what life is all about my friends, and life is beautiful.

Life Is Beautiful: The Prequel

I've been putting off these posts for nearly a week now because I just felt like I didn't have the emotional capacity to sit down and pour my heart out about last weekend's Life Is Beautiful Festival. Not that I haven't WANTED to, I just haven't been able to face the fact that it's really over. It came and went in the blink of an eye, leaving me with just a beautiful bubble in my brain filled with incredible music, food, art, learning, and most of all, love.

The past year of my life has been leading up to this moment. When I first heard about the festival at the Downtown low-down last year, I wasn't sure how excited to let myself get because so often in this start-up land I'm living in, dreams don't always come to fruition. Sometimes you work so hard at something and it just doesn't pan out. It's a sad truth we see on a daily basis as companies come and go, striving with their whole being to make their million dollar idea work. I thought Life Is Beautiful sounded like a brilliant idea with so much heart and passion behind it, but I was skeptical - mostly for my own heart because the thought of this festival seemed too good to possibly be true. But one day, things started happening. Digital Royalty started working with them. It started creeping closer. I got more and more excited on a daily basis hearing rumors of what was possibly to come. Then they threw a party and announced their music line-up and I was at the absolute peak of my 20-something happiness because some of my favorite artists in all the land were set to appear in my own back yard at this first-year festival.

My favorite moment from the line-up reveal party was that my roommate, Leah already knew one of my favorite bands, Empire of the Sun, was going to be at the festival weeks before it was announced. She somehow kept it a complete secret from me, and watched my face as they were announced during the line-up reveal. We were both so god damn happy. I don't know if anyone in the world was happier than we were at that moment in time. I knew right then and there that LIB was going to change my life forever, and the countdown to festival-time began.

So I begged my best friend, Cory, to come out for the festival, knowing that because our hearts have beat to the same rhythm for nearly 20 years, this was something that would definitely change her life, too. I couldn't let her miss it. So I begged and brought it up in conversation every chance I got until one day the stars lined up so perfectly in our favor and we got the green light. She bought a plane ticket and I bought her a festival ticket and we screamed like the little 6 year olds we were when we met. This vision of the festival was becoming a real-life, breathing entity in our worlds. Not to sound too overly cheesy, but it was a lot like the feeling you get when you start falling in love - something I haven't felt in a long time.

As it crept closer, all I could think about was the fact that I knew something big was about to rock my world. And I was ready for it. Cory arrived late Thursday night and we anxiously spent her first night in Vegas catching up on all our "emergency updates" - the good things and the not-so-good things. Regardless, it felt like Christmas Eve as we went to sleep. I was so anxious to wake up the next morning and show her around my town that was in the process of its incredible transformation into LIB-Land. The miraculous murals being painted on the sides of buildings, tents, lights, and stages going up around every corner. The city I live in was like I've never seen it before. We walked around taking pictures and making ourselves crazy with excitement for the following day when the festivities would finally commence, and to top it off, our excited pre-mature strolling of the festival footprint landed us on the front page of the Las Vegas Review Journal. Beat that.

We opted to spend Friday night in, knowing that Saturday and Sunday were slated to be jam-packed with as much food, booze, and running around that our bodies could muster. So we had a real slumber party, including cookie baking, Footloose-viewing, and dancing around the kitchen to all the songs we were going to hear the following day. We attempted to do "handstand twerking" (not recommended) and ended up sprawled out on the floor laughing, like we do. Guys, you'll never understand how much I love my best friend.

As emotions start to fill my brain, realizing that I'm about to take a deep dive into the greatest weekend of my young adult life, I know it's time to break for the night. I'll have to relive this in waves, so I can do it the proper justice it deserves. Stay tuned!

The Emerald Isle.

I'm just getting back to my routine after a travel coma, which consisted of 8 jet-lagged days in Ireland, 14 hours of travel back to the states, 13 hours of sleep, multiple loads of laundry, and now laryngitis. It felt wonderful to get back to the US, but I'm already missing the Emerald Isle.

Our first big pit-stop: Kylemore Abbey Castle

My journey to Ireland was for a business trip, which was already going to be a huge opportunity for me both personally and professionally. First of all, I've never traveled outside of the US (except to Puerto Rico, if you count that, which I don't) so that in itself was thrilling. Second, the opportunity to represent my company is always an honor, and I was especially excited to have the opportunity to represent Digital Royalty in another country, while also broadening my own personal knowledge of the world. I've always felt so naive having never been outside of the US. There's a whole world out there with billions of people to meet, and it was refreshing to get a small glimpse of what lies beyond. I met people from Croatia, Zagreb, Amsterdam, UAE, Istanbul, England, and of course, Ireland. After meeting so many wonderful and unique people, I officially have the itch to travel all over the world, and hopefully one day visit these new friends.

So like I said, the trip was for business, but my colleague and travel partner, Erinn, suggested we tack on a couple extra days at the front end for personal time. I definitely couldn't argue with that, so I let her take the lead and she ran with it. She put on her travel agent hat and planned everything down to a T. After flying all day and night on Friday, we landed in Dublin early Saturday morning and immediately hopped on a bus across the country to Galway. We checked into our hotel and instantly passed out for a long nap. Unfortunately by the time we woke up for dinner, almost every restaurant in town was closed, but we eventually found something, ate, and then went right back to sleep.

The next morning when we finally woke up, we rented a car so we could do a bit of exploring. Let me tell you how terrifying driving in Ireland was. Luckily Erinn drove the whole time, while I white knuckled my seatbelt and door handle - not because of her driving, but because the roads in Ireland are ALL two way roads, one lane on each side, there's absolutely no shoulder, and the lanes are extremely narrow. Top that off with the fact that we were driving on the opposite side of the road and you could color us terrified (mostly me). But even though my pre-existing car anxiety was taken to new heights, it was totally worth it because we got to see a ton of the country which we wouldn't have been able to do otherwise.

So we drove to a little town called Clifden - population: less than 1,000. It was a cute little down where we met a few locals and had a few drinks in one of the pubs. It was just how you would picture it - young people playing musical jigs on their accordions, and taking turns breaking out in Irish dancing. Seriously guys, it was exactly what I pictured Ireland to be like.

After a night in Clifden, we made another terrifying and treacherous drive to see the Cliffs of Moher. The drive from Clifden to the Cliffs was about 2.5 hours, up a winding road to pretty much the tip top of Ireland. I can't even begin to express how car sick I was at this point, but dear god it was worth it. You might recall this scene from the Princess Bride, or this scene from Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. That's where I was, and it was one of the most insanely beautiful things I've ever seen in my entire life. I can't get over it. I'm still in awe that this exists in the world, and that I got the chance to see it with my own two eyes.

After the Cliffs, we drove back to Galway and stayed just outside of town in a place called Barna. We checked into a lovely hotel, and after a full day of driving and car sickness, we were excited to finally get a full nights sleep, and maybe, just maybe this would be the night we finally got enough sleep to kick the jet lag and officially be on Ireland's watch. That is, until we noticed a gigantic spider on the window curtains. By gigantic, I mean bigger than the size of my fist. So of course, we panicked and called someone at the front desk to come kill it (seriously, what would YOU have done?!), but by the time they arrived in our room (with only a tissue in hand) the spider had mysteriously disappeared into the curtains. And then we never found him again. Needless to say, neither of us slept a wink that night.

The next day, we returned our rental car and made our way to the train station where we hitched a ride back to Dublin. Both deliriously tired, we attempted to work on the train which was kind of a fail. When we got to Dublin, we checked into our beautiful hotel, The Morrison, freshened up, and made our way to the Guinness Factory. It was definitely a highlight of the trip, and the tour was pretty incredible. Not only do they teach you how Guinness is made and the history behind the beer, they also teach you how to pour the perfect pint and drink it properly (yes, there is a wrong way to drink beer). The tour ends at the very top of the factory in their circular bar that overlooks all 360 degrees of the city. And the beer tasted heavenly.

At this point, playtime was pretty much over and we started cracking down on work. We hosted our third live Google Hangout for DoubleTree by Hilton, and met all of the Socialites who flew in for our camp at a lovely dinner reception. The rest of the trip went swimmingly with 2 days of training and a special tour of the Jameson Distillery for all of the Socialites, where we got to do a whiskey tasting. All bias aside, Jameson just might be the one to get me to start drinking whiskey again.

From the left: Scotch, Jameson, Jack Daniels. Triple Distilled FTW.

We also had dinner at Ireland's oldest pub, The Brazen Head, established in 1198. I personally am most impressed with the fact that 800+ years after opening their doors, they've embraced Twitter. On our last night, I helped host my first ever Tweet-up event, another exciting professional milestone.

It rained the entire time we were in Ireland, and all the locals kept apologizing for the nasty weather, but it couldn't have been more perfect to me. Coming from the desert where it hardly ever rains, I was in heaven and enjoying the dreary, wet days. It made the city just that much more charming.

The flight home was long, freezing, and all around miserable, but I did make the most of it by watching the Breaking Bad finale which I missed while overseas, and 2 other movies in between shivering and failing to take anything that even closely resembled a nap (note to self: sedation!). However, I would take a 16 hour day of traveling to be able to experience another country any day. I'm so grateful to have had this opportunity, and it's one I will take with me and cherish for life.

Scenes from South Dakota.

A couple weeks ago, the Digital Royalty team took a 5 day retreat to our boss Amy's cabin in the Black Hills of South Dakota. It was nice to get out of Las Vegas for a while and get into nature - even though it's been reaffirmed that I can't handle bugs of any kind, and I'm very clearly a city person who requires a working toilet in her life. We ate, drank, and bonded over things we weren't expecting to bond over (should I mention the toilet situation here again or can you just use your imagination?), and most importantly, came back alive, hungover, and exhausted. Overall, a great trip.

A few of my favorite highlights:

Commemorating our first plane ride together with a round of Bloody Mary's.

Plane ride shenanigans.

Amazing rain & hail storms.

Our day on Lake Pactola.

Roomie love on the lake.

Enjoying Mount Rushmore.

The most amazing sunsets.