homeee

i get to go home this weekend. i am beyond excited for it. i got a free flight on southwest because they have this deal for college kids where if you fly a certain amount of miles within such amount of time, you can earn free flights during the years your in college. well i earned my first one from flying back and forth so much and my dad said i could use it to come home for a weekend to make up for my lack of being home over break. so here it is! i actually feel like i could have waited to use it until after spring break (because as soon as i get back its only 17 days till home again) and i should have saved it till april because its the WORST month. no breaks, no 3 day weekends, getting ready for finals...it basically is 4 full weeks of hell. but oh well. when i booked the flight i really needed to be home, so i know itll be good. im super excited.

i talked to my therapist about the idea of transferring and i got really emotional about it. the whole thing is that, i want to be closer to my family at ALL times. i want to be able to go home for a weekend if i miss them, or in the extreme case, when my little brother is in the hospital for a week with internal bleeding (which happened right after fall break). in those situations i feel so helpless in kansas. there is NOTHING i can do. we cant afford to just bring me home whenever i feel like it and the drive is way too long for me to make by myself.

anyways...we made a list of pros and cons for both situations: going to CU and staying at KU. turns out, going to CU overwhelmingly outweighs staying at KU and it just made me cry. Not because i made a decision or because i was sad...i was MAD. at myself. because i didnt care enough in high school to take my time and make the right decision. all i cared about was getting it over with so my parents would stop hasseling me every 2 seconds. i should have toured the schools in colorado. i should have thought about it more. i should have considered things like my brothers health and feeling homesick on the weekends. but i didnt. i picked what i thought would make my parents happy and what i thought would be more "right."

turns out...im back in the same position i was in 2 years ago. deciding between the exact same 2 schools. university of colorado and university of kansas.

i hate change. but do i need it? is it necessary in this situation? would i be able to handel that big of an adjustment again? would i like it in boulder? i have friends there but would i fit in? would i regret leaving KU? on the other hand, would i regret never trying? would i always wonder what it would have been like to go to CU? what if something happens and im stranded in the middle of nowhere, kansas?

i hate decisions. no one will give me an honest opinion and thats all i really need right now. someone to be straight up and say CHELSEA, YOU SHOULD DO THIS ONE BECAUSE.....

i need help.