economic woes.

i just heard that they are getting rid of music and arts programs in schools in california because the economy is so horrible that they have to cut funds in public schooling. it makes sense, i mean, why would they take out the subjects that kids hate like math, when they can cut music?

it may not seem like that big of a deal to some people, but to me it is terrifying. i have been singing since i was 5 years old. music runs in my family. both of my grandparents were in barbershop quartets, my cousin is on broadway, my uncle plays the guitar, and i sang professionally from age 5-11 when i lived in california (its a long story). The point is, if i didnt have music in my life, i dont know how i could have made it through school. honestly, i am NOT a school person whatsoever, and if it wasnt for choir, i probably wouldnt have gone half the time.

i strongly believe that music is the basis for all creativity in the mind. people can say they "love" music all day long, but what they dont realize is that it is a form of expression, an art, and a creative stimulous. I like to write, and i believe that comes from my love of music. call me crazy but when i get inspired, i get inspired. and how is music not inspirational?

it just sucks that it has come to this. its sad because some kids who are just starting school will never get the same opportunities that i had to figure out what their passion is because they dont get to be exposed to it like i was. and its all because we are in a fucking war that uses up all our countries money for no reason, so they have to cut programs like music in schools because they cant afford to pay teachers, one of the lowest paid professions out there. its bullshit.

im sad for where this country is at economically, because everyone deserves to find their inner creativity whether its singing, playing an instrument, or artwork.

so sad. :(

homeee continued.

Well, my weekend at home has come to an end. I am now sitting in the airport waiting for my flight, which i should be boarding for right now, but instead have to wait until 9:40. which sucks. i wont get back to kansas until 12:15 and then its an hour drive back to my house. so if im lucky ill be home by 1:30 (and thats IF i dont get lost looking for my car, and driving in the dark.) then i have an 8:00 class which is the DEVIL. so im basically screwed for sleep tonight. great.

My weekend at home was good. it wasnt how i expected it to go, but it was good. i am glad i got to see my family and friends and just relax for a while. i just hate the going back part. when my dad dropped me off at the airport i almost cried because i just hate whenever i have to leave and go back to reality.

thats another reason why i question if i should transfer. if i was in the right place, would it really be this hard to go back after a weekend at home?

anyways, only 17 more days till i get to go home again for about a week and a half so thatll be good. thats when major decision time comes. my mom gave me her opinion and its not what i wanted to hear, so im still waiting for the one that makes sense.

*sigh*

homeee

i get to go home this weekend. i am beyond excited for it. i got a free flight on southwest because they have this deal for college kids where if you fly a certain amount of miles within such amount of time, you can earn free flights during the years your in college. well i earned my first one from flying back and forth so much and my dad said i could use it to come home for a weekend to make up for my lack of being home over break. so here it is! i actually feel like i could have waited to use it until after spring break (because as soon as i get back its only 17 days till home again) and i should have saved it till april because its the WORST month. no breaks, no 3 day weekends, getting ready for finals...it basically is 4 full weeks of hell. but oh well. when i booked the flight i really needed to be home, so i know itll be good. im super excited.

i talked to my therapist about the idea of transferring and i got really emotional about it. the whole thing is that, i want to be closer to my family at ALL times. i want to be able to go home for a weekend if i miss them, or in the extreme case, when my little brother is in the hospital for a week with internal bleeding (which happened right after fall break). in those situations i feel so helpless in kansas. there is NOTHING i can do. we cant afford to just bring me home whenever i feel like it and the drive is way too long for me to make by myself.

anyways...we made a list of pros and cons for both situations: going to CU and staying at KU. turns out, going to CU overwhelmingly outweighs staying at KU and it just made me cry. Not because i made a decision or because i was sad...i was MAD. at myself. because i didnt care enough in high school to take my time and make the right decision. all i cared about was getting it over with so my parents would stop hasseling me every 2 seconds. i should have toured the schools in colorado. i should have thought about it more. i should have considered things like my brothers health and feeling homesick on the weekends. but i didnt. i picked what i thought would make my parents happy and what i thought would be more "right."

turns out...im back in the same position i was in 2 years ago. deciding between the exact same 2 schools. university of colorado and university of kansas.

i hate change. but do i need it? is it necessary in this situation? would i be able to handel that big of an adjustment again? would i like it in boulder? i have friends there but would i fit in? would i regret leaving KU? on the other hand, would i regret never trying? would i always wonder what it would have been like to go to CU? what if something happens and im stranded in the middle of nowhere, kansas?

i hate decisions. no one will give me an honest opinion and thats all i really need right now. someone to be straight up and say CHELSEA, YOU SHOULD DO THIS ONE BECAUSE.....

i need help.

v-day

I was literally all ready to get on here and write a big long blog about why valentines day sucks asshole and should be banned from the planet. I wanted to sleep all day and forget about the huge awareness singles get on this day. My roommates boyfriend is in town and i pretty much was planning on being alone all day feeling sorry for myself.

My day started off with a way too early morning awakening. I really would have liked to sleep half the day away but i ended up waking up around 10:30. all 3 of my roommates got me flowers. krista got me a huge daisy and the twins got me a bouquet of daisies and it really touched me. they all knew how down i have been and it really made me feel good to know how much they care about me and wanted to make me happy. i love them so much.

I was planning on seeing krista and her boyfriend acting all cute and lovie but they really werent. we talked about today and they vocalized that they dont need a day to show their love because they show it all the time. they love each other so instead of showing it off to the world, they show it to each other on a regular basis.

anyways, i went out to dinner with my friend hannah and when the night was over, she handed me a shoebox that said happy valentines day chelsea on it and i opened it when i got home. Inside was this dress i have been wanting so badly from old navy and i literally started crying. that was the nicest gesture anyone has ever done for me and i cant even explain all the things that go beyond the dress that hannah has installed in my life. it was just so special to me and it really made my entire life tonight.

Its nice to know that on days like this when the whole world seems against you, that you really do have good friends and people who care deeply about you. maybe thats what valentines day is really about? maybe i should stop hating on it and appreciate the love that i have in my life? cause really, all you need is love. any kind. love is love.

happy valentines day.

baby boom?

Recently i have noticed that alot, and i mean ALOT, of people i went to highschool with now have children or are pregnant. I feel weird saying anything out loud about it but since no one really knows i have this blog im gonna vent about it here.

what is wrong with people? really...i mean let me recall the people i know who have or are having children now, without naming them.

1. gross girl from highschool. has no boyfriend. drinks every night. didnt go to college. does hair for a living. is having a baby on her own.
2. other girl from highschool. 1 year older than me. already got married and is already getting a divorce. has a 1 year old son.
3. girl at my college who hid her pregnancy, and to everyones surprise, had her baby like 2 weeks ago out of the frickin blue.
4. guy from my highschool who has a month old daughter with some chick.
5. another girl 1 year older than me, has a boyfriend, not married, didnt go to college, waitress.

lets see. where to start. thats 5 people i know who have or are having babies. and none of them were planned. NONE.and all these other people are congratulating them like it was their choice. since im almost positive none of these were planned, whats to congratulate for? they arent married, they arent in school, they dont have steady jobs, and they are bringing a life into this world? come on. how do you think that kid is going to feel when he grows up and learns that he wasnt planned and his parent(s) didnt even know how to take care of themselves at the time?

i just dont understand...we all went through the same sex ed classes didnt we? we all learned about safe sex and what NOT to do. so why all these unplanned pregnancies? i mean its really freaking me out how much life is being brought into this world by people my age, people i know, people i went to school with not too long ago.

I dont think people understand what a big responsibility it is to have a child. raising a kid is not like raising a puppy. and its a hell of alot more expensive. so what are these people thinking? i just dont get how people can go around getting drunk every night, hook up with some random stranger, and then boom have a child? really? like its nothing at all, no big deal, ill just have a baby! .....what?

maybe i sound harsh, but at this age there is so much life ahead of us that it just seems like it would be insane to think about having a kid right now. and it freaks me out to look back and think, wow, i had a class with you...we talked about our plans in life...who knew this would happen to you. i just dont think people understand how life changing having a child is. its something you PLAN for. i want children. but i want them WHEN i want them.

which leads me to my next point....has no one heard of birth control? how many freaking forms of it are there? its not that hard people...man. i just dont get it. and im not saying go out and have an abortion if you get pregnant, or give it up for adoption, im just saying, be smart.

follower!

Someone is following me! Honestly, it has not been the greatest day, lemme just get that out there, and that totally made it better. So, for my follower, Zoe, I don't know how to message you or if i even can, but thanks, you made my night. :)

This week is going to suck really bad. For real. I dont even want to talk about it, thats how bad it is going to be. I wish there was a way i could skip out on it.

So i saw "He's just not that into you" last night. I read the book a couple years ago but the movie i must say was pretty good. Chick flick for sure, but good nonetheless. It's still one of those things though thats like, true, but you still dont want to hear it. I kinda touched on this on my last post but really, lets get serious, who wants to hear that line about someone you really like? or even love? no one. "Hes just not that into you chelsea" ....oh gee, thanks. i think i might go kill myself now. thats what it really feels like.

I get to go home in 2 weeks. I am really excited. I was barely home over winter break when i was supposed to be home for a month. i was so excited to get to go home and then it was cut short. so hopefully the 2 days i get to go home for will make up for that a little bit. Spring break is going to be really great though. at least i hope.

So i am considering transfering schools. I have already started filling out my boulder application but i have to write a couple essays and stuff. It was really hard the apply fo schools the first time around so i dont know why i am putting myself through this again. its just that im not completly happy, and i think i deserve to be. I know transfering would be taking a step back, i would have to retake some classes and stuff but i am already gonna be in school for longer than 4 years so i guess it doesnt matter? Its such a hard decision. I wish someone would make it for me.

I cant really think of anything much to say tonight, but i am just really glad that someone wanted to read my blog. it totally made my shitty day better :)

thoughts of the day.....so far.

-I really like Zumba. Its such a fun way to get excersize. (sometimes when i write the word excersize it underlines it like i spelled it wrong....)
-Its nice and sunny outside and warm and amazing. It makes me wish winter would end right this second and it would be summer immediately.
-Im going to see "He's just not that into you" tonight. I read the book YEARS ago. Im interested to see how the movie plays out. That book is supposed to help women get through rejection so they can stop wasting time on unworthy men, but hearing the line "hes just not that into you" doesnt really feel that good. In fact, it doesnt really help at all...it kinda hurts.
-I really like writing but alot of times I cant come up with a topic to write about. I would much rather have a purpose than write freely like this, although sometimes it feels damn good just to think out loud.
-Im doing a sales speech on those Brita Water Pitchers, and its really making me scared for our planet. Like all the information out there on how harmful plastic is to the environment and how much damage its ALREADY done to the world, and half the people dont even take it seriously? It honestly amazes me.
-I dont like when people dont respond to text messages. lets be real, it makes people feel unimportant when you read it and dont respond. And then try to lie about it. Even I am guilty of doing this, but why? I mean really, its not hard to respond, even if you really are "busy."
-Sometimes I feel really lonely, and other times, I dont even care.
-Sometimes I hold my shoulders up by my ears and I dont even realize im doing it until I relax them and realize how much work it takes to hold them there. Its kinda painful.
-I want to laugh so hard I pee my pants. Its been a while since Ive had a good belly laugh.
-I wish i wasnt so parinoid. It kinda sucks.
-I would like to stop staring at the wall now.

Positively Positive

Im trying out this whole new "being positive" thing. I have been known to be quite the negative nancy at times, only seeing the bad in everything, having no hope and giving up all chance of hope, seeing the glass half empty, whatever you want to say. Anyways, I decided for this new year I would try to be more positive, and try to see the good in life rather than the bad.

So far 2009 has not been good.

BUT I am sticking to my resolution. I have already suffered alot of heartache and depression this year, but I am doing my best to stay positive and try to not let the little things get me down. I started going to Zumba classes to get my mind off things, and to be honest, it is the most fun I have ever had working out. It is not only a stress reliever, but its pure fun. I watch myself in the mirror smiling the whole time and laughing at how uncoordinated I am. Its really good for me.

I have stopped to realize that petty arguments with friends or aquaintences arent really worth it in the end. I would much rather let things go then hold on to them forever. Its all about forgveness, picking your battles, and letting things go. Im still learning, but so far its working.

I have more hope now then I have ever had in the past. I still cant get myself to write about my grandpa's death just yet, but its coming. And I have faith in myself in that area. I have hope that things are all going to be ok for me and my family and everything is going to work out nicely the way its supposed to.

I dont really know why I am writing about this, but it seems like a good idea. Its all a part of the new Chelsea that I want to be. The Chelsea that takes herself on dates, spends time with herself in the afternoon (and likes it), and doesnt take everything so personally. I hope it works out :)

Hello, Blogger

I am not new to blogging. I had a wordpress account for a while, but I think someone hacked into my account. I never really had any traffic on wordpress, not that it matters, I write for myself, not for others. But i feel very special and honored and good about myself when someone wants to read my writing. It's a form of release for me, and its one of the few things I am good at that I enjoy doing.
A little about myself, just to get started, for anyone reading:
-I go to the University of Kansas and I am studying communications there.
-Last year I was on the Diving team at KU, but it turns out that after 12 years of committment to the sport, it wasnt for me.
-I have recently discovered "Zumba" classes, they are pretty much the best way to excersize, EVER.
-I wish the world would go GREEN.
-I am a hippieeee. Peace, love, and happiness, bra.
-I grew up in California, moved to Colorado, and now go to school in Kansas. I hope to make it back to the west coast after school where its WARM.
-I enjoy snowboarding, singing, writing, and literally laying around doing nothing.
-Some of my pet peves are when people are so negative that they bring you down with them, when people tell me to "calm down" or anything related when I'm upset, little snide comments that are meant to be a joke but are actually offensive, people who dont care about the environment and think that people who do are stupid, when people leave lights on, slow drivers, slow walkers, ignorance, and intolerance.
-I love politics and i try my best to keep up with the news.
-Sushi is delicious. Don't dock it, till ya try it.

Anyways, I know thats all very stimulating, but now we can move on. I really want to try to write once a day. It's part of this new positivity thing I'm trying out. Really loving myself and putting a positive attitude out there is so far working out nicely.

Peace, brother.