<3

I guess the inspiration I was looking for came. I just wish it wasn't in the form of complete sadness. Maybe I should paint. I don't want to continually write about sad things in my blog, but what can ya do when your heart is filled with sadness over someone's death?

I turn to music. All I can listen to is Coldplay. At first every single song made me cry over and over again, but I couldn't stop. And I still can't. I'm no longer crying during every song, but every song is making me think extra hard. I feel like all the lyrics are describing my life right now. It's nice though, feeling like I can turn to it for some kind of support while I go through this.

Whenever someone I know dies, I feel somewhat like I want to die too, just so I can be with them. So that they won't be lonely. So that I won't be lonely. I fail to realize that there is so much life left to live. And I think a lot of us struggle with that. We don't live our lives to the fullest each day. Instead we put things off, or complain but never change. Sometimes we all just need a huge eye opener to make us realize how fragile this life is. Sometimes we just need that push to make us see that time's a wastin'. Unfortunately it sometimes comes in the form of losing a loved one to make us realize this.

I think our loved ones who pass would WANT us to keep living. And to learn from them. And to keep growing and enjoying what they could not. I think they are all around us. They know what we are doing, what we're thinking, and wishing they could scream at us to not waste another second. It's gonna take some time to move on, but I know that Brianna is watching me and hoping that I will live each day to it's fullest. She knows I cared about her so much. And now she cares that I continue on.

Boy... 3 deaths in 8 months is not an easy thing to wrap your head around. I don't know how much more of it my heart can take.

Fix You.

I know my posts have been a little depressed lately,
since my friend Brianna passed away.
I have been listening to Coldplay a lot the past couple of days,
and they have some lyrics that really just get me.
For instance, the song "Fix You."



When you try your best but you don't succeed.
When you get what you want but not what you need.
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep.
Stuck in reverse.

When the tears come streaming down your face.
When you loose something you cant replace.
When you love someone but it goes to waste.
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home,
and ignite your bones.
And I will try, to fix you.

High up above or down below.
When you're too in love to let it go.
Well if you never try then you'll never know,
Just what you're worth.

Lights will guide will you home,
and ignite your bones.
And I will try, to fix you.

Tears stream, down your face...
When you lose something you cannot replace.
Tears stream down your face,
and I...
Tears stream, down your face.
I promise you I'll learn from your mistakes.
Tears stream down your face,
and I...

Lights will guide you home.
And ignite your bones.
And I will try...
To fix you.

Quote of the Week.

Or at least this is MY quote of the week.

“Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say. Whatever you want to do, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows.”

There has never been a truer statement.
Live life with no regrets.
Do what you want and do it now,
before there's no time left.

Brianna Swain.

I'm not one for posting my heart to the public, but this is my blog, and this was my friend. And my little sister figure.

Dear Bri,

I hated you when I met you. I thought your little punk-ass-14-year-old-self wanted to steal my boyfriend away from me. But somehow, we became friends. I started giving you rides to and from school and we started opening up to each other. I used to take you to King Soopers after school for ice cream with my little brother and we would talk about life. You ran up to me and gave me a huge hug on one of the hardest days of my entire life, and that's something I never have forgotten. I tried my best to look out for you. You were like my little sister for a while, and I hope you would remember me as a sister figure for you too.

I'm sorry we didn't stay close when I went of to school. I'm sorry we never got together for a girls lunch like we always talked about. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to help you through hard times. I'm sorry I gave up when I went to school. I should have kept acting like your older sister and kept looking out for you. I hope you will remember me for the times we did have together, because I will always remember you for that loving hug that I needed so badly that one hard day.

I wish we would have taken a picture together. I wish this hadn't happened so soon. I'm having a hard time contemplating how your life was cut so short when we have barely even lived. All I know is that you lived your life the way you wanted to. Whether I agreed with some of your choices or not, I admire so much that you lived your life with no regrets and loved every minute of it. Never let anything get you down or get in your way. That is one thing you have taught me, and I will take away from knowing you.

One thing is for sure, you will never be forgotten. You made an impact on everyone around you. No one is a saint. Let the haters hate, but you Bri, you made your life worthwhile. I hope wherever you are now, you have taken it with you. I don't think this will ever not be a shock to me. I hope you know that I would have done anything for you. I would have always been here for you whether we were close or not, because you were like my little sister. I would have always looked out for you. You have opened my eyes to how fragile life is, and I will try to live it to the fullest, like you did.

Brianna, you are loved.

Best Friend.

In my whole life, I will never find another
like this girl.
She's more than my best friend,
She's my person.
And she's been my person for 15 years.
I could never attempt to live in a world
without her.

1st day as a Buff.

Well, the dread is ALMOST over.
I have 1 more class and then I can walk these blistered feet home
make some dinner
watch some "Sex and the City"
and fall asleep.

I didn't realize what a far walk it is from my apartment.
Having to do it twice a day will get old I'm sure.
I need to look into the bus system.

Tomorrow:
Sleeeeeep innnnnn.
Class from 2:30-3:45.
Relaxation time, and do it all again on Wednesday.

I still get that good feeling from this place.
And if I can survive the first and scariest day,
I can get through the rest.

Last day of Summer.

It's the very last day of 2009's Summer.
How will I spend it?
Walking around campus finding my classes for tomorrow.

Boy am I nervous to start school.

Shmeeee.

Comcast.

Lets never use them, ok?
They have repeatedly screwed me over this week
on installing my
internet and cable.

Cancel my appointment,
reschedule it for days later,
then have the wrong address,
now have 6 minutes to get here
or I raise hell.
(And it won't be a pretty sight.)

Boulder Bound.

I'm here in Boulder! My apartment is all set up (except for internet and cable which comcast screwed me on...) and I am all alone.

I've been talking with my old roomies from Kansas and it makes me sad to not be sitting there laughing with them, but I know this is what was right for me.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with my advisor at 9:00. Then off to do some grocery shopping, then maybe exploring Boulder and getting used to my surroundings.

It's hard being away from home and being alone in an apartment, but I made this decision on my own and I know that I just need to be strong and independent and know I'll get through it.

All the wasted anxiety I have is pointless and irrational and I need to keep reminding myself that this is my new home. This is it. I need to be happy with where I'm at.

Classes start Monday, and hopefully by then I will have the mindset that I am where I need to be. Bolder is great, Boulder is great, Boulder is great.

moving forward.

It was a hard morning saying goodbye to my ninos. I thought I'd get to spend the whole day with them after they got out of kindergarten, but their mom ended up picking them up so I had to say goodbye. Andrew said "bye mommy" to me and I just about died. :( I guess I need to move forward and focus on something new now, as hard as that is.

Also, it's the second to last day before I have to officially move up to Boulder. I don't really want to go yet, but it has to be done. I need to accept it as my new home and move forward because otherwise I'll end up sitting in my apartment all alone everyday, being miserable.

Another thing, do you ever have this like..."itch you can't scratch" kinda thing? Something you want but can't have? I feel like it's been the story of my life for the past couple years now. I need to get it together and move forward. It needs to stop being my ongoing theme.

Sweet summer is coming to a close with a day or Red Robin burgers and errands with my best friend, Jill, dinner with my family and packing. Then tomorrow, lunch with my friend Tyler, more packing, probably some tears, and a lot of ice cream. Then I'll move forward and start up at my new school.

My Twins.

Tomorrow is my last day with the little munchkins I've been watching all summer. I'm really sad about it because I feel like they need me so much. I sometimes wish (but not really...) that I could quit everything and be their full time babysitter and raise them because so far, no one in their lives is doing a very good job.

As I look over and see them gazing at the TV, I feel very sad. I hate change, and I hate endings. As much grief and hard work it was watching them all summer, as many temper tantrums I've witnessed and giggle fits I've been a part of, I am going to miss them so very much.

Maybe I'm just upset and nervous about going back to school that anything is making me sad. But nevertheless, this really is sad to me. I wont have this job next summer, and I probably wont be spending any more time with them. I've gotten to know them so well this summer and it's really sad to let them go.

They're like my precious little devils.

Fall.

Today I woke up, and it was fall.

I can just tell by the air. The sun is shining but there is something different about the breeze blowing. It's cold and crisp and feels like fall.

I love fall. It's the most beautiful season to me. When the trees are changing colors and everything shifts from green to orange and yellow.

The weather is cold enough to need long sleeves but not yet cold enough for a jacket. The skies are half overcast, half sunny, and leaves are falling everywhere.

There is so much to look forward to. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and then Christmas soon after that.

You can sit anywhere and just bask in how pretty and peaceful everything is.

I have a very romantic view of fall.

I want to hold someones hand and walk through the trees and feel beautiful and alive.
I want to roll around in a pile of leaves and act like an idiot while I'm enjoying this beautiful life.

Fall brings me so much hope.

Inspire.

Do you ever just want to write but you have nothing to write about?
I feel that way.
I have this urge to let my creative side flow
and just write freely about something.
But what?
I have nothing inspiring to write about?
I want to be inspired.
I want something I can write about.
Some passion to come into my life and make me creative again.
I want something to take me and overcome me
and make me want to do something.
Make me want to write and sing again and be me.
I want the real me to be here at all times.
I want to be inspired by something so real and beautiful
that I am a changed person.
I want to feel that love for something again.
Something only I understand
but try to share with those I love as best I can.
I want an opportunity to arise that makes me a better person,
that makes me belong to something bigger than me.
I want to feel happy and creative and unique.
I don't know what form any of this could come in
But all I really want is to be inspired.

The Summer's All in Bloom, The Summer's Ending Soon

Summer always goes by way too fast.
I want to enjoy the last few days
Before the anxiety of school sets in.

I want to have fun.
I want to spend time with my friends.
Be with my Family.

I want to do one more "something crazy."
Have one last hoo-rah.
Be free.

Sometimes....
Life is Wonderful.

<3

Grandpa <3

You never really stop missing those you've lost...

I visited my Grandpa's niche during my visit in California.
It's sometimes hard to believe he's really gone,
But I know he's happy, which makes me happy.
Life and death are bittersweet.

Sometimes it's good to just goof around.
I love my brother and his friend Josh.
They bring me down to earth.

Peace

I've been thinking about it for probably 2 years now

and last night....
I DID IT.

And it's exactly what I wanted :)

The Trip

I cannot wait to move back to California someday. From the second I landed at LAX, through the hazy skies, past the airport In -N-Out burger that you fly next to on the way down, I felt immediately at home. I never want to leave that place. I know I will move back there because it IS home to me. The beach, the sun, the people...it's all love.

We went to the beach almost everyday. Zuma, Heavens, Malibu, Silver Strand...I could spend all day everyday at the beach and be perfect. We played in the ocean for hours each day; there is absolutely nothing like it in the world.

We took late night road trips to Hollywood to get spontaneous piercings and tattoos (which ended up not happening) and drove around LA like we owned the place. I tried new things, met new people, saw old friends I haven't seen in years, and acted on impulse which makes me feel free and like the person who's been hiding in Colorado for the past 8 years.

I really wonder who I would be if I had been able to finish growing up in my hometown. I would have given anything to go to Newbury Park High School and know all the people who went there, have looked at colleges in California, and had more time to grow around my entire family. There's no use dwelling on what could have been, but I do wonder. And although I may not be back there today, I know that someday I will be. And I'm making it a goal to work towards.

The people I grew up with in California are of a different kind. I'm serious. There is such a difference between the people in California and Colorado. When I'm with my CA peeps, I feel completely at ease. So comfortable. I can be myself. They are so non-judgmental and they love me for me. I don't have to wear any masks or worry about what I look like or what I feel like. It's the best feeling, I wish I could feel it all the time.

Here's a couple pics.

More to come when I get them <3