A Farewell Note to 2009

As I begin my farewell note to 2009, I would like to recap some of the monumental events that occurred in my life.

January 1st, 2009: Grandpa John has a stroke and we fly to California.
January 5th, 2009: Grandpa John passes away.
January 10th, 2009: Dad moves to Vegas.

April 18th, 2009: Great Aunt Marie passes away.
April 30th, 2009: Got my acceptance letter to the University of Colorado.

May 30th, 2009: I fell in love with 2 five year old boys at my summer job as a nanny.

July 21st, 2009: I entered my roaring 20's.
July 23rd, 2009: Orientation at my new school.

August 4th, 2009: First tattoo on my hip.
August 20th, 2009: Moved into my apartment in Boulder.
August 24th, 2009: First day as a Buff!
August 25th, 2009: Brianna Swain passes away.

September 14th, 2009: Cousin Sara gets married in NY!

October 15th, 2009: Family Friend, Lillian passes away.

December 29th, 2009: Brother gets awarded a $9,000 scholarship to Seattle University!
December 31st, 2009: Here we are. Last day of the year.

As you can see, it's been a pretty rough year. A lot of heartache and challenges literally from day 1. I want to leave this year behind and start fresh tomorrow, but I will never ever forget what this year has taught me:

-Change is inevitable, and sometimes it's exactly what we need.
-Life is incredibly short, and not one day should be taken for granted.
-People matter more to you than you might think.
-Every challenge in life should be met with hope and the willingness to work hard to overcome.
-Coldplay can get you through anything (I mean, ANYTHING).
-Pictures are a must. You might never get the opportunity to take another one together.
-True friends will stand by you no matter how far away or what is happening.
-Family is the most important thing to keep close to you.
-True love never dies. Even 50 years down the road.

I didn't think I could make it through this year with everything that happened. I couldnt have made it through without my Dad, Mom, Connor, Ryan, Jill, and a handful of others who's unconditional support and love are the reason I am still standing. But with the bad also came the few good things that brought light. Life is funny, and bittersweet.

My new years resolutions:

-Lose 15 pounds. Be happy with myself.
-Stay positive through the rough spots.
-Make the efforts to keep in touch.
-Do one thing every day for me.

Starting not only a new year, but an entirely new decade. Imagine the possibilities that could happen in the next 10 years. I want to look back in 2020 and be happily surprised.

Cheers to 2010! Let's make this the best year yet.

Christmas 2009

It was a great holiday. I loved being home in California with *almost* all my family. We spent Christmas eve at my Aunt and Uncles house in Culver City (a long lasting tradition that I love) and Christmas day at my sisters apartment in Sherman Oaks. It was really nice to see the family and spend a happy occasion together.

[Grandma Edna modeling her new Snuggie she got for Christmas]

[My Masterpiece, our Christmas Dinner Table]

We had a pre-Christmas celebration with some old family friends in Vegas. It was so good to see them and catch up. One good thing about my family moving to Vegas soon is that we'll get to see them more. There's good in everything.

[Lindsey, Me, Courtney]

After Christmas I got to spend a little time with my childhood besties, Jaclyn and Cory. I miss them dearly. I love being able to see them, even for just a little bit. Time and distance may separate us but whenever we're together it's like no time has passed at all.

[Me and Cory]

I went to the beach. It was so beautiful. There was nobody there but me and Jac, and in my mind I needed it. I needed to sit on the beach and look into the ocean and reflect on the events of the year. I needed to let everything rush over me and then let it go so I can start fresh for 2010.

[Me and Jaclyn at Hueneme Beach]

I can't believe that Christmas has come and gone. It seems like such a long time time wait until next year, but with the way the years have started flying by, I know next year will be here in no time. And until then, I have a lot to look forward to.

Merry Christmas to all!

Snowboarding!

Had my first ride of the season at Winter Park yesterday with one of my best friends, Katie. It was a GREAT day of shredding the gnar and I can't wait to go again! Nothing better than an awesome day of boarding with nice weather and a best friend.

The End of 1st Semester Update!

Finals are OVER!

Remember back at the end of summer when I was blogging about how nervous I was to start up at my new school?
Well, I made it through a whole semester here at CU as the new Chelsea,
And I am so happy!

It always goes by so fast, but it feels so good to have yet another semester of college under my belt.
[It's sad that I only have so many left!]

I *hopefully* am ending this semester with awesome grades,
a whole bunch of great new friends,
and a whole lot to look forward to.

Back at home now for winter break with my real Christmas tree, but just for fun, here's a look at the one in my apartment
(courtesy of my Aunt Glenna and taken with my brand new digital camera!)

Closing time.

Man, I have been SLACKING on the blogging lately.
It's just so hard to come up with something inspiring to write about
when my head is filled with nothing but information about the last 2 tests of the semester.

Come Thursday, I will get back on track.
Just gotta make sure I finish with a BANG!
Wish me luck!

Brrr.

Don't let the sun shine fool you. It's 1 degree here.
When I woke up this morning it was -11 degrees.
So cold it HURTS.
(I thought I lived in Colorado, not Antarctica.)
I never thought I would be praying for a 30 degree day,
but... please?

It's too cold to function.

Babyyy The Fish.

You were a great pet.
You survived an 8 hour drive from KS to CO in a water bottle.
You loved your reflection and attacking yourself.
I will miss you...

[Babyyy when I first got her in Kansas in August, 2008]

A Case of the Sickies.

Well, I've been in bed with the flu
(or something to that effect)
for the past 3 days. Bored out of my freaking mind!
Anyways, found this little gem on youtube last night,
first time I've had the energy to laugh in days.
Am I a terrible person?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today I am thankful for....

-my loving family and all the support they provide me.
-the fact that my dad got to come home for the holiday.
-my friends who love me unconditionally, are always there for me, and accept me for everything I am.
-having the opportunity to go to college.
-being a part of some amazing people's lives.
-having food, shelter, clothing, and essentials that some people have to live without.
-hope for a bright future.
-my belief in love and what love has already shown me.
-the opportunity I have to be alive and make memories and make the world a better place.
-the support I have in my life.
-each new day I have been given.

And so many many more things. It is a great day to be alive, and I could not ask for a better life to be living. Let's all recognize the things we are thankful for and live each day filled with passion, hope, and love.

3 months.

The other night I heard Jammin' by Bob Marley at a restaurant and almost started bawling in front of everyone. Then a few nights later, I heard Santeria by Sublime and had to leave the room. I don't have many things that make me cry at the drop of a hat, but Brianna is one of them.

Of course I think about her all the time, but there are very few things that she and I shared that can trigger a specific memory. There are very few memories I have left of us to keep me going.

I like when she pops into my head because it reminds me how much I cared about her. But I don't like the hurt I feel when I hear a song and remember she's not there to appreciate it anymore.

It's been 3 months.

I try to think like she would and that is, "for every moment you waste, there is another right behind to take its place." I am trying to replace every moment of sadness I feel with something happy and memorable, like I know she would have.

Maybe you wonder I keep blogging about her. The answer is, she would have wanted me to. I remember one time she posted a comment on my myspace page that said "so I really think you should put me in your heroes section." She loved when people recognized her in a special way, and she would like that I keep doing this.

And also because, I miss her. So so much.

Reunited And It Feels So Good.

I get to babysit my little ninos for the next 3 dayssss!
I have missed them so.
[We've already had one temper tantrum this morning
about what shoes Connor is wearing to school.
Cant wait to see what the rest of the day brings us.]

[Andrew on the left, Connor on the right]
Ahhh, reunited and it feels so good.

2 days and counting...

It's been a few days since I've written anything. Mostly because I'm at that "so uninspired, mad writers block, don't know what to say" spot again.

However, I do have the urge to write. Which is weird because I have 3 papers due on Friday and I have no interest whatsoever in writing those!

Cheers to procrastination!

Only 2 more days until sweet relaxation for an entire week,
So here's to gettin' it done.
Whoosh!

To Write Love On Her Arms

For anyone who doesn't know what TWLOHA is,
here is the website:
http://www.twloha.com/index.php

"To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery."

I know what it's like to battle depression.
Many of my friends and family members have struggled or are struggling with it as well,
which is why I fully support this movement.

Write "Love" on your arm today and show those who are struggling that you care. <3


"We were made to love" written on my arm today.
[November 13th, 2009]

Uncomfortably Alone.

After a busy day with classes and papers and grocery shopping and running around, my head is pounding and I finally come to the point where I can lay down and relax for the rest of the night until I fall asleep.

The only thing that doesn't relax is my brain. Through this pounding migraine that feels like my eyes are pushing up against my brain, I still manage to have too many thoughts bouncing around.

The worst part about living alone is the silence. When I lay down for the night to try and relax, the silence is more deafening than the lawn-mowers who mow during my nap every Wednesday. I hear my clock ticking and by the time I actually realize how uncomfortably alone I am, I begin to realize what it is I've actually been thinking about:

Brianna.

I find myself searching in the darkness and the silence for a sign. Anything to know she's there. Anything to know she's in a better place. A dream, a light flickering, a noise. Anything. She's all I can think about when I lay down for the night.

The worst part about living alone is that when I get sad, I can't just go in the other room and sit with my roommate until my mind wanders away. I can't just get up and talk to someone about it, because no one is there. It's just me.

Tonight through the massive headache and the relief of finishing a major assignment, I still feel the extreme weight of my 17 year old friend who passed away only 2 months ago. It's unfair and unreal and everything I don't want it to be.

But it is.
And I am.
Alone.

It'll never feel real to me.

It happens...

I've had mad writers block for like a week now. And I have nothing to write about. So, enjoy this awkwardly-cute picture of me as a child in an airplane. Good night.

Words of Wisdom.

I've been having a terrible day.
I got a parking ticket,
(because my parking lot is being repaved and I had to park on the street)
I can't figure out how the hell to enroll for classes,
And some people just really piss me off sometimes.
But then I read in my good friend JD's blog these words:

Be of Joy when life is bad, when you hurt, when your heart tells you you’re lonely.

And now I feel better :)

Vintage Halloween

[Halloween Circa 1992]

Me as Mickey Mouse and my baby brother as a Stegosaurus.
Tonight, Halloween 2009: Me as Hannah Montana
Always a Disney Girl.

Another post for my lovely Digital Media Class!

A) What are some characteristics of blogs?
-Some characteristics of blogs are the ability to post more than just words. Pictures, videos, links to other websites, lists, etc. Also I would say, the ability to show your personality through your own personal page by means of design.
B) What are they useful for?
-Blogs are useful for a lot of different things. Many people use them as an online journal for expressing their opinions, sharing stories, and sharing content. They connect people from all around the world and allow people to write freely about whatever they wish.
C)How are blog posts a distinctive type of writing?
-Blog posts are a distinctive type of writing based on how each individual writes. Some people post very short blogs that don't say much but say a lot at the same time, others use it as a journal and write longer posts with more details. They are also more creative than formal writing in that you can post pictures, hyperlinks, videos, or anything to add to the post.
D)How might blogging be an effective extension of learning in the classroom?
-Blogging might be an effective extension of learning in the classroom because if a professor was to have a blog that they posted in regularly about classroom topics, it would be more interesting (in my opinion) to read that than to read an article or a chapter from a book. It also would be adhering to technological advances that most people in this generation are "down with."

Winter Wonderland.

I woke up to this:


A beautiful blanket of snow.
Treacherous to walk through, but gorgeous nonetheless.

I've been fighting off the urge to start listening to Christmas music too soon,
but I can no longer help it.
Bring on the White Christmas's and O Holy Night's.

What the Frick?

I mean, I don't care because I write in this blog for myself and anyone who is interested, but seriously how do some people get so many followers?? I've had this blog for a year now and like, no one even reads it. But some people's grow every single day. How do you get all this traffic?

I was talking to my dad about this at dinner tonight because right now social networking is a huge part of my major and I absolutely love it which is why I use facebook and myspace and twitter and blogger, but how do you get people interested in what you have to say?

I just do this for my own enjoyment because I love writing and I love social networking, but what the frick people? How the heck do you get noticed in this kinda community?

Feelings of the night. <3

Coolest. Picture. Ever.

My cousin Chad doing the worm at my cousin Sara's wedding.
(click to enlarge for the full effect)

Quote to live by.

"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

-Juno

Happy Birthday Bean!

Happy Birthday to my best friend in the whole world, Ryan.

I can't believe I met him when I was 16

and now he is turning 21.
This guy changed my life from the moment I met him.
I'm pretty sure we have been through more together
than any other 2 people you know.
We have experienced so much together, been through good times,
bad times, hard times, fun times,
and had every imaginable "1st."
We have stayed by each other through just about everything,
and he means so much more to me than I could say.
He's one of the few people in this world who understands me.
He knows when to talk and what to say and how to calm me down.
Even though I can't have any yet, I can't wait to take him out for drinks tomorrow.
You'll always be my Bean.
Happy 21st Birthday!

Feelings of the Night.

I used to do "Feelings of the Night" on myspace when it was cool. But this is much more awesome.

Feeling so uninspired again.
Sometimes, I just really miss Brianna....
The song "Fix You" by Coldplay is the song of the year for me.
GLEE is the best show on TV. Hands down. Ever.
I feel like being surrounded by my friends.
I need sleeping medication.
I can't find my Hannah Montana costume, and it sucks!
I can't wait to see my bestie tomorrow.
Sometimes I get really hungry late at night.
I didn't do some of my homework...oops.
I think I'm getting closer to something big happening.
I just got MAD flirted with over texting...wee.
If I fell asleep right now I would get 6 hours and 15 minutes of sleep. Not enough.
I had a milkshake at dinner and it made me really hyper and wired.
Class at 8, class at 9, nap, class at 2, home.
Blog blog blog.
Good night? Probly not.

Quote to Live by.

"The only people you need in your life
are the ones who prove they need you in theirs."

Beautiful.

All winter we got carried away over on the rooftops, lets get married.

All summer we just hurried, so come over just be patient and don't worry.

So come over, just be patient and don't worry.

Happy Birthday Randall!

Randall is one of my besties!
He is so easy to talk to, is ALWAYS there for me with some helpful advice,
listens to some great jams, and makes me laugh like it's nobody's business.
He is also my first close friend to turn 21!!
It's a HUGE birthday for the Rand-ster and I hope he has a GREAT day because he deserves it!
-Stop Yourself!
-Totes
-Ratard
-._________
<3 you R-Dizzle!

Hello Digital Media Class!

Hey Class! Welcome to my Blog! While we are studying Web 2.0, I thought it would be fun to take a look at my blog. With a blog you can write entries, upload pictures to your posts, create lists, and follow other bloggers and see what they write about. In the interest of "social networking" here is a blog entry I created to show you some ways blogger is used, and to help you get to know me a little bit better. Enjoy!

My Family
(Sister, Dad, Mom, Brother, Me)

My Best friend
(Jill)

My Tattoo
(On My Hip)

My Favorite Place on Earth
(Zuma Beach, California)

My Pet
(Mooney, Main Coon)My Job
(Nanny for Twin Boys)


My Hero
(Little Brother, Connor)

Insomniac.

Sometimes I have a really hard time falling asleep at night.
It's now 2am and I have a 9:00 class to get to in the morning.
If I fell asleep right now I would get 5 1/2 hours of sleep.
But I need at LEAST 9 hours to function at my best.

So, what to do at this hour?
Some website I just looked at said to write down all the things you are thankful for before bed.
So here goes:

-my amazing family
-my best friends
-being able to go to school
-having support in my life
-my health
-my guardian angel
-music
-love
-faith
-hope for the future
-time I have been given
-laughter
-opportunities
-inspiration
-life

Maybe I can get some sleep now. Off to try. <3

Happy Birthday Erin!

Erin has been one of my very best friends for YEARS.

I met her forever ago through diving which brought us really close.
We have so much in common with our sarcastic attitudes, and having the only 2 liberal families in Colorado.
We live miles away, but somehow have always managed to keep our friendship as if we lived next door.




This girl can make me laugh like it's nobody's business
even if it's by saying something ridiculous like,
"THANKS FOR BEING GAY INTERNET EXPLORER"
When we were myspace obsessed and it wasn't working.
Now she resides in Boise for school,
and I am in Boulder,
But for what its worth, whenever we are able to be together,
it's STILL like we live next door.
I love this lady.

Ahhh :)

Well I was GOING to say "Happy 150th Post to my blog" but I forgot and now this would be number 151. Soooo...moving along!

I just found out we get to go home to California for Christmas which makes me so so so happy! I love spending time with my family and seeing my friends from home. California is where my Christmas's have always taken place since I was born, so getting to go home for it for the first time in a couple years is going to be amazing. It's not Christmas without the whole family in sunny California.

On another note, I got a 99% on my physics exam....? How the hell I pulled that off is a miracle to me! But I'll take it!

I have some D.P. Dough on the way (for those of you who don't know what that is, its this AMAZING calzone place that makes the BEST calzones and cookies!) and it's totally and completely Fall now, and I LOVE IT! It's so beautiful here in Boulder, Colorado.

<3

Haven't Met You Yet

I'm In Love With Michael Buble's New Single!
It's Called "Haven't Met You Yet"
So cute and so true for anyone who hasn't met "the one".......YET.
<3

I'm Not Surprised
Not Everything Lasts
I've Broken My Heart So Many Times,
I Stop Keeping Track.
Talk Myself In
I Talk Myself Out
I Get All Worked Up
And Then I Let Myself Down.

I Tried So Very Hard Not To Loose It
I Came Up With A Million Excuses
I Thought I Thought Of Every Possibility

And I Know Someday That It'll All Turn Out
You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid That I'll Get So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

Mmmmm ....

I Might Have To Wait
I'll Never Give Up
I Guess It's Half Timing
And The Other Half's Luck
Wherever You Are
Whenever It's Right
You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Baby Your Love Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Possibility

Mmmmm ......

And Somehow I Know That It Will All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid I'll Get So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

They Say All's Fair
And In Love And War
But I Won't Need To Fight It
We'll Get It Right
And We'll Be United

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Being In Your Life Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Single Possibility

Mmmm .....

And Someday I Know It'll All Turn Out
And I'll Work To Work It Out
Promise You Kid I'll Give More Than I Get
Than I Get Than I Get Than I Get

Oh You Know It'll All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid To Give So Much More Than I Get
Yeah I Just Haven't Met You Yet

I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Oh Promise You Kid
To Give So Much More Than I Get

I Said Love Love Love Love Love Love Love .....
I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Love Love Love .....
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

FOLLOWERS!

Dearest 5 followers of mine,

I think I have figured out the comments problem! I tried posting one and it worked, so I think you just click where it says 0 comments and then a window should pop up.

If any of you were trying to comment or ever felt like it, I would LOVE to get them! I know my blog has a small number of readers but maybe one day it'll get bigger. Until then, I love you 5 :)

<3

Happy Birthday Faja!

Happy Birthday to my amazing Dad!

I adore my daddy. He is the most amazing man.
He puts his family before anything else,
even if that means moving to a different state to keep supporting us.

He encourages me,
talks me off a ledge daily,
lifts me up, calms me down,
makes me laugh, and loves me.

I may be the one who's hard to deal with,
but I can always count on my dad to be there to make me laugh
by saying something like,
"It's darker than a bag full of buttholes in here!"
And, where would I be without him?

I love you Faja!

Sassy Bridesmaids.

My cousin got some of her professional pictures from her wedding back and I thought this one was just too good to not post on here! I love it. All the girls with the groom looking sassy (especially me in the front...) Enjoy!

Walt Whitman

We have been studying Walt Whitman's archive in my Digital Media class and some of the things he wrote are just beautiful. I can't get enough of his quotes. So wise, and really beautiful. Before I even started researching him, I decided I want to get the quote "Peace is Always Beautiful" tattooed on my ribs (just because I thought it was an awesome quote), and now after reading more of his stuff I am so pumped to do it!

Here are some I like:

"Be curious, not judgmental."

"Every moment of light and dark is a miracle."

"I am as bad as the worst, but, thank god, I am as good as the best."

"I have learned that to be with those I like is enough."

"Each of us inevitable; Each of us limitless--each of us with his or her right upon the earth."

"Peace is always beautiful." :)

"The habit of giving only enhances the desire to give."

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine--and shadows will fall behind you."

Ahh they make me swoon!

GLEE!

I just started watching "Glee" online because I had heard so much about it.
And it turns out I'm in LOVE with it!
The very first episode made me CRY!
It makes me miss choir so very very much,
and makes me think really hard about joining something here at CU.
If you haven't watched it yet,
YOU SHOULD!
My dad says, "It's the best show on TV right now."
And he aint lyin!

Oh Hello Followers

Ok, so. It has come to my attention by my good friend Anna that my blog is not allowing comment posts! I've tried working on this but I think it might have to do with my entire layout so I might have to do some major adjusting. Hopefully anyone who has wanted to comment me will keep trying because I do love getting comments on here! I'll let you know when it's fixed.

Also, I have not been blogging very much lately I just realized. SO, I am going to fix that too and keep the blogs coming.

Even though I only have 5 followers, one of which is my brother, and one of which doesn't use blogger anymore, I really enjoy blogging on here. And I really hope for anyone who DOES read this, that you enjoy my blog too.

Have a good day lovelies, peace and love :)

John Mayer!

John Mayer just posted (via twitter)
his first single off his new album on his website.
And it is gorgeous.

http://www.johnmayer.com/whosays/

He is a beautiful artist.
Go listen!

It's raining, its pouring...

It makes me want to lay in bed with a good movie and a cup of hot cocoa. Cheesy and cliche, I know, but it's the absolute best!

I can't wait to be done will class so I can go relax and listen to the rain...

The dilema.

Jimmy Johns for dinner,
Or D.P. Dough??

Or cook at home I guess...

This is a serious issue people.

The Anticlimax.

Since the most amazing weekend of my life in New York last weekend, I've been feeling really lonely. And it sucks because I've been doing so well lately, living on my own, meeting people, and being happy. But ever since I had SO much fun with my family and meeting some new amazing people, I've been feeling the loneliness like a ton of bricks hit me. The anticlimax of a great weekend, and coming home to nothing. Boooo.

I always get like this too. After something really great happens I always feel like it'll never happen again. Like when will that exact group of people ever be together for such a happy occasion again? If ever, not for a really long time. I hate that! And I always feel like once it's over, I have nothing to look forward to. But really, there's a lot of stuff coming up to look forward to within the next couple months:

-Halloween
-Thanksgiving
-Christmas

Time to keep my head up, and stay happy and positive.

Bright Lights, Big City!

New York was AMAZING!!!!

We spent the first night in the city for the Bachelorette party
at the "Awesome 80's Prom"
And it was one of the funnest experiences of my life!

Second night, rehearsal dinner at the GORGEOUS house
in the Hamptons.

Third night, WEDDING!
It was the greatest weekend ever joining families with the Gehlings
filled with so much family, fun,
and LOVE <3

Just a couple pictures from the weekend.
I have lots more if anyone is reading and is interested.

On the Agenda:

It's going to be one craaaazy weekend! I am so excited for it. I haven't been this excited for something since....well lets just say its been a while. NEW YORK FOR MY COUSIN SARA'S WEDDING!

Tomorrow (Friday):
-Class, class, class
-HOME!
-Help my mama with party favors for the wedding

Saturday:
-Flight at 7am to NY!
-Meet at my sister's hotel to get ready
-Bachelorette party (at a secret place, cant tell you yet because Sara might be reading!)
-Sleepover with my sisterrr

Sunday:
-Broadway show in the afternoon with my family
-Rehearsal and Rehearsal dinner for the wedding

Monday:
-WEDDING!!!!!! In the Hamptons!

Tuesday:
-Fly home.

New York, Here I Come!

The Bird And The Worm

This is the cutest song ever by "Owl City"
Check it out if you like cute things!

If you're the bird
Whenever we pretend it's summer
Then I'm the worm
I know the part, it's such a bummer

But fair is fair.
If my segments get separated
I'll scream,
And you'll be there

Close your eyes
(Close my eyes)
Slide the cotton off of your shoulder
And feel the shine
(Feel the shine)
I'm hooked so toss me over
And cast a line
(Well I'll try)
I'll throw a party and greet my undersea friends
(It depends)
As they arrive
(If they arrive)

You and I left our troubles far behind
But I still have just one more question on my mind
For all my pals who live in the oceans and the seas
With friends like these, well,
Who needs enemies?

If I'm your boy
Let's take a shortcut we remember
And we'll enjoy
Picking apples in late September like
We've done for years
Then we'll take a long walk
Through the cornfield
And I'll kiss you
Between the ears

If you're my girl
Swirl me around your room with feeling
And as we twirl
The glow in the dark stars on your ceiling
Will shine for us
As love sweeps over the room
'Cause we tend to make
Each other blush

You and I left our troubles far behind
But I still have just one more question on my mind
For all my pals who live in the oceans and the seas
With fronds like these, well,
Who needs anemones?

You're the bird, I'm the worm
And it's plain to see
That we were meant to be

We were meant to be
We were meant to be
We were meant to be

80's playlist

I've been listening to so much oldies music this week and I love it! It seems lately, the older the better. The new stuff that's coming out is so unoriginal and everything is a remix with rap. And don't get me wrong, I like rap and some good beats, but I am so tired of the lack of talent that's circling the media right now. It's depressing.

So, I have turned to an 80's playlist! Let's take a look:

1. Wake me up before you go-go - Wham!
2. Funky Town - Lipps Inc.
3. I Ran (So Far Away) - A flock of Seagulls
4. Footloose - Kenny Loggins
5. Uptown Girl - Billy Joel
6. Pump Up the Jame - Technotronics
7. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun - Cyndi Lauper
8. Private Idaho - The B-52's
9. It's All I Can Do - The Cars
10. You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) - Dead or Alive
11. Just Can't Get Enough - Depeche Mode
12. Space Age Love Song - A Flock of Seagulls
13. You Make My Dreams - Hall & Oates
14. Too Shy - Kajagoogoo
15. Holiday - Madonna
16. It's Raining Men - The Weather Girls
17. Super Freak - Rick James
18. Never Gonna Give You Up - Rick Astley
19. Money (That's What I Want) - The Flying Lizards
20. Head Over Heels - Tears For Fears
21. What is Love - Haddaway
22. Maggie Mae - Rod Stewart

Such good classic music!

Woodstock.

How I wish I could have lived at this age during the Woodstock Music Festival. I just saw "Taking Woodstock" and I was in love. It was such a "me" movie. All about hippies and their peace, love, and happiness. I think I was definitely born in the wrong era.

Breakfast with the Prom Date.

My good friend JD came to Boulder this morning to have breakfast with me!
This guy is incredible.
One of the nicest people alive,
So caring, carefree, loving, accepting, and just an amazing friend.
As he puts it for the both of us:
"My secret crush freshman year, my prom date senior year, my best friend every year."
I love him. And he will always have a special place in my heart.

Seizing the Day.

Since I've had the line in my head, "whatever you want to do, do it now, there are only so many tomorrows," I have been seizing the day with everything possible and having no regrets whatsoever. It feels nice. Even just the little things like buying a smoothie on impulse and not analyzing the measly 4 dollars.

Today my impulse is not worrying about the gas money, and driving myself to Greeley after class to see my best friend, Jill. I don't care about the money or the hour drive ahead of me, I want to see her so tonight so I'm doing it. And I like it.

It feels good to be carefree.

It's the little things...

I feel very at peace right now.
Just in this moment.
I am sitting in the University Memorial Center
drinking a Jamba Juice, listening to my iPod, and blogging.
I should do this more often.

Like my Jamba Juice cup says:
"It's hard to frown with a straw in your mouth."
SO true.

<3

I guess the inspiration I was looking for came. I just wish it wasn't in the form of complete sadness. Maybe I should paint. I don't want to continually write about sad things in my blog, but what can ya do when your heart is filled with sadness over someone's death?

I turn to music. All I can listen to is Coldplay. At first every single song made me cry over and over again, but I couldn't stop. And I still can't. I'm no longer crying during every song, but every song is making me think extra hard. I feel like all the lyrics are describing my life right now. It's nice though, feeling like I can turn to it for some kind of support while I go through this.

Whenever someone I know dies, I feel somewhat like I want to die too, just so I can be with them. So that they won't be lonely. So that I won't be lonely. I fail to realize that there is so much life left to live. And I think a lot of us struggle with that. We don't live our lives to the fullest each day. Instead we put things off, or complain but never change. Sometimes we all just need a huge eye opener to make us realize how fragile this life is. Sometimes we just need that push to make us see that time's a wastin'. Unfortunately it sometimes comes in the form of losing a loved one to make us realize this.

I think our loved ones who pass would WANT us to keep living. And to learn from them. And to keep growing and enjoying what they could not. I think they are all around us. They know what we are doing, what we're thinking, and wishing they could scream at us to not waste another second. It's gonna take some time to move on, but I know that Brianna is watching me and hoping that I will live each day to it's fullest. She knows I cared about her so much. And now she cares that I continue on.

Boy... 3 deaths in 8 months is not an easy thing to wrap your head around. I don't know how much more of it my heart can take.

Fix You.

I know my posts have been a little depressed lately,
since my friend Brianna passed away.
I have been listening to Coldplay a lot the past couple of days,
and they have some lyrics that really just get me.
For instance, the song "Fix You."



When you try your best but you don't succeed.
When you get what you want but not what you need.
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep.
Stuck in reverse.

When the tears come streaming down your face.
When you loose something you cant replace.
When you love someone but it goes to waste.
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home,
and ignite your bones.
And I will try, to fix you.

High up above or down below.
When you're too in love to let it go.
Well if you never try then you'll never know,
Just what you're worth.

Lights will guide will you home,
and ignite your bones.
And I will try, to fix you.

Tears stream, down your face...
When you lose something you cannot replace.
Tears stream down your face,
and I...
Tears stream, down your face.
I promise you I'll learn from your mistakes.
Tears stream down your face,
and I...

Lights will guide you home.
And ignite your bones.
And I will try...
To fix you.

Quote of the Week.

Or at least this is MY quote of the week.

“Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say. Whatever you want to do, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows.”

There has never been a truer statement.
Live life with no regrets.
Do what you want and do it now,
before there's no time left.

Brianna Swain.

I'm not one for posting my heart to the public, but this is my blog, and this was my friend. And my little sister figure.

Dear Bri,

I hated you when I met you. I thought your little punk-ass-14-year-old-self wanted to steal my boyfriend away from me. But somehow, we became friends. I started giving you rides to and from school and we started opening up to each other. I used to take you to King Soopers after school for ice cream with my little brother and we would talk about life. You ran up to me and gave me a huge hug on one of the hardest days of my entire life, and that's something I never have forgotten. I tried my best to look out for you. You were like my little sister for a while, and I hope you would remember me as a sister figure for you too.

I'm sorry we didn't stay close when I went of to school. I'm sorry we never got together for a girls lunch like we always talked about. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to help you through hard times. I'm sorry I gave up when I went to school. I should have kept acting like your older sister and kept looking out for you. I hope you will remember me for the times we did have together, because I will always remember you for that loving hug that I needed so badly that one hard day.

I wish we would have taken a picture together. I wish this hadn't happened so soon. I'm having a hard time contemplating how your life was cut so short when we have barely even lived. All I know is that you lived your life the way you wanted to. Whether I agreed with some of your choices or not, I admire so much that you lived your life with no regrets and loved every minute of it. Never let anything get you down or get in your way. That is one thing you have taught me, and I will take away from knowing you.

One thing is for sure, you will never be forgotten. You made an impact on everyone around you. No one is a saint. Let the haters hate, but you Bri, you made your life worthwhile. I hope wherever you are now, you have taken it with you. I don't think this will ever not be a shock to me. I hope you know that I would have done anything for you. I would have always been here for you whether we were close or not, because you were like my little sister. I would have always looked out for you. You have opened my eyes to how fragile life is, and I will try to live it to the fullest, like you did.

Brianna, you are loved.

Best Friend.

In my whole life, I will never find another
like this girl.
She's more than my best friend,
She's my person.
And she's been my person for 15 years.
I could never attempt to live in a world
without her.

1st day as a Buff.

Well, the dread is ALMOST over.
I have 1 more class and then I can walk these blistered feet home
make some dinner
watch some "Sex and the City"
and fall asleep.

I didn't realize what a far walk it is from my apartment.
Having to do it twice a day will get old I'm sure.
I need to look into the bus system.

Tomorrow:
Sleeeeeep innnnnn.
Class from 2:30-3:45.
Relaxation time, and do it all again on Wednesday.

I still get that good feeling from this place.
And if I can survive the first and scariest day,
I can get through the rest.

Last day of Summer.

It's the very last day of 2009's Summer.
How will I spend it?
Walking around campus finding my classes for tomorrow.

Boy am I nervous to start school.

Shmeeee.

Comcast.

Lets never use them, ok?
They have repeatedly screwed me over this week
on installing my
internet and cable.

Cancel my appointment,
reschedule it for days later,
then have the wrong address,
now have 6 minutes to get here
or I raise hell.
(And it won't be a pretty sight.)

Boulder Bound.

I'm here in Boulder! My apartment is all set up (except for internet and cable which comcast screwed me on...) and I am all alone.

I've been talking with my old roomies from Kansas and it makes me sad to not be sitting there laughing with them, but I know this is what was right for me.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with my advisor at 9:00. Then off to do some grocery shopping, then maybe exploring Boulder and getting used to my surroundings.

It's hard being away from home and being alone in an apartment, but I made this decision on my own and I know that I just need to be strong and independent and know I'll get through it.

All the wasted anxiety I have is pointless and irrational and I need to keep reminding myself that this is my new home. This is it. I need to be happy with where I'm at.

Classes start Monday, and hopefully by then I will have the mindset that I am where I need to be. Bolder is great, Boulder is great, Boulder is great.

moving forward.

It was a hard morning saying goodbye to my ninos. I thought I'd get to spend the whole day with them after they got out of kindergarten, but their mom ended up picking them up so I had to say goodbye. Andrew said "bye mommy" to me and I just about died. :( I guess I need to move forward and focus on something new now, as hard as that is.

Also, it's the second to last day before I have to officially move up to Boulder. I don't really want to go yet, but it has to be done. I need to accept it as my new home and move forward because otherwise I'll end up sitting in my apartment all alone everyday, being miserable.

Another thing, do you ever have this like..."itch you can't scratch" kinda thing? Something you want but can't have? I feel like it's been the story of my life for the past couple years now. I need to get it together and move forward. It needs to stop being my ongoing theme.

Sweet summer is coming to a close with a day or Red Robin burgers and errands with my best friend, Jill, dinner with my family and packing. Then tomorrow, lunch with my friend Tyler, more packing, probably some tears, and a lot of ice cream. Then I'll move forward and start up at my new school.

My Twins.

Tomorrow is my last day with the little munchkins I've been watching all summer. I'm really sad about it because I feel like they need me so much. I sometimes wish (but not really...) that I could quit everything and be their full time babysitter and raise them because so far, no one in their lives is doing a very good job.

As I look over and see them gazing at the TV, I feel very sad. I hate change, and I hate endings. As much grief and hard work it was watching them all summer, as many temper tantrums I've witnessed and giggle fits I've been a part of, I am going to miss them so very much.

Maybe I'm just upset and nervous about going back to school that anything is making me sad. But nevertheless, this really is sad to me. I wont have this job next summer, and I probably wont be spending any more time with them. I've gotten to know them so well this summer and it's really sad to let them go.

They're like my precious little devils.

Fall.

Today I woke up, and it was fall.

I can just tell by the air. The sun is shining but there is something different about the breeze blowing. It's cold and crisp and feels like fall.

I love fall. It's the most beautiful season to me. When the trees are changing colors and everything shifts from green to orange and yellow.

The weather is cold enough to need long sleeves but not yet cold enough for a jacket. The skies are half overcast, half sunny, and leaves are falling everywhere.

There is so much to look forward to. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and then Christmas soon after that.

You can sit anywhere and just bask in how pretty and peaceful everything is.

I have a very romantic view of fall.

I want to hold someones hand and walk through the trees and feel beautiful and alive.
I want to roll around in a pile of leaves and act like an idiot while I'm enjoying this beautiful life.

Fall brings me so much hope.

Inspire.

Do you ever just want to write but you have nothing to write about?
I feel that way.
I have this urge to let my creative side flow
and just write freely about something.
But what?
I have nothing inspiring to write about?
I want to be inspired.
I want something I can write about.
Some passion to come into my life and make me creative again.
I want something to take me and overcome me
and make me want to do something.
Make me want to write and sing again and be me.
I want the real me to be here at all times.
I want to be inspired by something so real and beautiful
that I am a changed person.
I want to feel that love for something again.
Something only I understand
but try to share with those I love as best I can.
I want an opportunity to arise that makes me a better person,
that makes me belong to something bigger than me.
I want to feel happy and creative and unique.
I don't know what form any of this could come in
But all I really want is to be inspired.

The Summer's All in Bloom, The Summer's Ending Soon

Summer always goes by way too fast.
I want to enjoy the last few days
Before the anxiety of school sets in.

I want to have fun.
I want to spend time with my friends.
Be with my Family.

I want to do one more "something crazy."
Have one last hoo-rah.
Be free.

Sometimes....
Life is Wonderful.

<3

Grandpa <3

You never really stop missing those you've lost...

I visited my Grandpa's niche during my visit in California.
It's sometimes hard to believe he's really gone,
But I know he's happy, which makes me happy.
Life and death are bittersweet.

Sometimes it's good to just goof around.
I love my brother and his friend Josh.
They bring me down to earth.